Why Is Forgiveness So Hard?

One who does not forgive might cling painfully and silently to anger, which turns to bitterness, and, from here, might seek revenge. While we know for ourselves how hard it is to forgive, the Bible helpfully shows us what vengeance can do to individuals and their communities. After Amnon rapes his sister Tamar (2 Samuel 13), their brother Absalom plots revenge, not in the heat of the moment or to defend his sister’s honor, but to appease his own anger. His plan takes three years to unfold. In a summary of events, one scholar explains: “The incident sets off a chain of events that lead to further turmoil and conflict within David's household, ultimately contributing to Absalom's rebellion against his father.”

Vengeance becomes an idol, which is something one loves more than God. The focus of that love can be sex, food, power, or vengeance. Since Absalom plotted for three years, his anger had become central to his life. Not only did it lead to Amnon’s death and Absalom’s attempt to overthrow his father, David, but Amnon’s vengeance did nothing to help Tamar. Unforgiveness crushes fruitfulness and stands in the way of reconciliation.

It is also forgetful. The unforgiving servant in Matthew 18 did not forgive because he was hard-hearted, and he instantly forgot what he had been spared from, what was his master’s right to claim. God has the right to claim our lives in exchange for what we did to his Son. Unforgivers do not understand or believe that they are debtors to Christ.

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Joseph Byamukama explains that “to forgive is to suffer the consequences of the offender’s sin rather than cause them to pay for what they did to you. It is intentional. [...] It is to consciously determine not to hold something against the offender anymore or anytime in the future.” Those who live life apart from Christ cannot do this because it is   “countercultural and counterintuitive.” We want someone to pay, and if the perpetrator does not repent and pay, we either try to force them or look for someone else to take the blame. Unforgiveness takes hold, and it endures until, even if someone repents and seeks peace with us, we cannot let go. It becomes an idol that we love more than we love peace with God.

We can only forgive the unrepentant because “Christ died while we were still sinners. (Romans 5:6, my emphasis). He died before we repented. He died knowing that many would NOT repent or that they might take a long time to do so. He died fully aware that we would sin again and again and would forget that he gave us the gift of life.

Says Byamukama, we forgive, “so that the offender may be freely welcomed into the relationship with time. For reconciliation is the goal of forgiveness [,...] it reveals our character and maturity as followers of Christ. Biblical forgiveness seems unfair because the innocent one suffers so as to set the guilty one free. But true forgiveness is the gospel; it is doable in Christ.” Looking for payment and pushing for a result on our terms and in our time puts up barriers through which reconciliation is either difficult or impossible. In fact, it can turn us into the ones who need to repent.

We need to use discernment in how long we give or in determining the authenticity of repentance as far as trust goes. Forgiveness is not an all-access pass - we might withhold some areas of our lives from the perpetrator because it is wise to do so. There might not BE a reconciliation. Yet, that does not change the process. We do not spread a bad word about an individual who has wronged us. They do not cling to anger and keep a record of wrongs.

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The cross is a statement of forgiveness, the signal to us that we need it ourselves, and the means by which we accept forgiveness. As Christians, we pick up our own crosses to endure the pain of being hurt and not seek retribution, knowing we did not earn the forgiveness we have received. We can do this with peace, not with gritted teeth, because Christ set the example - not only at the cross but also by his resurrection. Forgiveness, like the cross, provides the possibility for reconciliation, which is a miraculous resurrection caused by the Holy Spirit: peace with a person with whom we might have never expected to be reconciled in our own power.

With forgiveness, we “choose to lay down our right to have our offender owe us,” writes Thom. Forgiveness instead “asks us to extend love and kindness even when it’s undeserved, to trust God to avenge our situation instead of ourselves, and to use life’s conflicts as opportunities to display God’s character.” This is our testimony: that we do for others what Christ did for us. Thom reminds us that forgiveness - like love - is active. “If the guilty party offers repentance, the application of forgiveness opens the door in order to restore the relationship.”

Forgiveness is not, ultimately, about us. Thom notices that it is culturally popular to focus on the personal benefits “accomplished when we’ve released hostility toward our offender by resolving our internal emotional pain.” This view suggests that we only hurt ourselves when we hold on to unforgiveness, so letting go is healing. While it is true that we are hurt by a desire for vengeance, which can overwhelm our God-given purpose to share the gospel, to love others, and to be effective in ministry, this is not the primary reason to forgive. Christ has commanded it, Christ has done it, so that is what we do. “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25)

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Being able to forgive requires that we rely on Christ for our peace, not in the payment of a debt. This takes faith, and it requires that we look “to Jesus, the founder, and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before he endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2) Forgiveness is a central facet of the hope we have in Christ. “There’s hope for those on both sides of the hurting,” writes Thom, “the wounded and the shamed. Through the ministry of reconciliation that we have tasted through Christ, being forgiving people is essential evidence of Jesus’ power for when we crave it and when we offer it.” While painful and difficult, forgiveness brings internal peace but also preserves peace in our relationship with God.

The Power of Forgiveness

As believers who follow a Savior King, we remember that the cross led to an empty tomb. Forgiveness brings resurrection. Even if this does not mean a resurrected relationship, it does, however, mean reconciliation with God. There is so much energy expended in vengeance and anger and so much rest in leaving vengeance to God. “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’” (Romans 12:19) The Lord offers the best answer to every injustice. And if we remember how he paid for our own sin, we must understand that this exhortation to forgive also protects us from the pain of being separated from God.

Sources: https://biblehub.com/greek/863.htm
https://ca.thegospelcoalition.org/article/what-is-biblical-forgiveness/
https://biblehub.com/topical/a/absalom's_revenge_on_amnon.htm
https://africa.thegospelcoalition.org/article/forgiveness-is-hard/
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