What Is Bullying?
Bullying is a commonly used term in the school system, workplace, and everyday life. However, sometimes a person is just being mean or rude but not truly bullying a peer. In order for an act to be considered bullying, it must have the four following criteria:
- Purposeful action
- Malicious intent
- Repetition
- Imbalance of power between the victim and bully, where the bully has greater power.
Purposeful action means the person is intentionally doing the action towards the other person. For example, a boy wants only certain boys on his recess football team and not another boy, so he verbally bullies the other boy by saying, “Don’t pick Ben for our team. He has butterfingers and sucks at football. Choose _____ instead.” The boy bullying is purposefully humiliating the other boy so that he feels lesser than and the peers don’t want him to be on their team.
Malicious intent is performing the action with the goal of wanting to hurt, embarrass, humiliate, or intimidate a peer. The purpose is to tear down the peer and take control away from them. This could look like punching a boy in the face (physical bullying) or a girl saying, “Leah, you are so fat. Why would you try out for the cheerleading team? You won’t even fit into the cheerleading skirt (physiological and verbal bullying).
Repetition means that the action is happening more than one time to the same peer. However, in order for it to be repeated, it does not have to be the same action. For example, at recess, Noah glares at Caleb when he joins his soccer team and makes a cutting-his-throat gesture (non verbal bullying). The next day, Noah shoves Caleb into the locker in the hall (physical bullying). Noah performed a different type of bullying each time, but he purposely targeted Caleb with the intent to hurt or intimidate him.
The fourth criterion that must be met is an imbalance of power between the victim and the bully. Power can take on numerous forms. The most obvious is physical stature. If a person is taller, stronger, or both, then physically that person will have more physical power over a peer. Another form of power is job title or authority. An example of this would be a Manager at a job compared to a coworker with a lower rank. The third is popularity. A child example of this would be a popular girl vs. another girl who isn’t a part of the “in the crowd.” Influence is the fourth type of power. At the childhood level, this would be the school club president, leader, or captain of a team. As an adult, this can be a donor of an organization or school, a social media influencer with a big following, a television host or superstar, or a political leader.
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How Should I Respond to Bullying?
Top 5 Ways to Respond to Bullying
- Be a detective and determine what type(s) of bullying are happening
- Document all the facts and gauge how the person being bullied is doing mentally, physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
- Reach out to the leader of where the bullying is happening
- Seek a spiritual mentor and counseling as needed
- Replace the lies with truth from the bible.
1. Determine the Type of Bullying.
The first step in responding to bullying is to determine what type(s) of bullying is happening to yourself or your child. There are four broad forms of bullying. In some cases, only one form is taking place, and the person bullying escalates that form. Whereas in other instances, the bully is performing multiple types of bullying.
4 Forms of Bullying Parents Need to Know About
1. Physical Bullying
The easiest form to determine is physical bullying. Antibullyingsoftware.com defines physical bullying as “using one’s body and physical bodily acts to exert power over peers.” Physical bullying can be a simple poke in the belly or a powerful punch that lands the person being bullied on the ground, bleeding and bruised –or anything in between.
2. Verbal or Nonverbal Bullying
Verbal or nonverbal bullying is the second broad form of bullying. Sometimes, this bullying happens by itself, while other times, it happens in conjunction with physical bullying. Verbal bullying consists of insults, taunts, name-calling, cruel gossip, and other spoken language used to hurt a child verbally. A childhood example of this would be a child calling another child a name such as snitch, loser, etc., with the malicious intent to intimidate the child he is bullying. Nonverbal bullying can stand alone, but often, it is paired with verbal bullying. Common forms of nonverbal bullying are eye-rolling, nasty looks, obscene gestures, expressions of dislike or put-downs, and messages sent through letters, notes, or electronic devices.
3. Psychological Bullying
The third broad form of bullying is psychological bullying. This is “actions intended to result in embarrassment, humiliation, indignity, grief, or emotional upset.” Common forms of psychological bullying are mocking, sarcasm, belittling, ignoring, excluding from a group, lying, humiliating, spreading nasty rumors, depriving a peer of needed resources so that person has to ask or beg for assistance, threatening to hurt someone, forcing someone to do something against her free will, getting a peer in trouble purposely exaggerating a minor offense or providing false information, or ganging up on others. This type of bullying tends to be very sneaky and is harder for professionals to see in schools.
4. Cyberbullying
The newest, most advanced, and potentially most dangerous form of bullying is cyberbullying. Cyberbullying is the use of electronic communication to bully a person. Unlike other forms of bullying, cyberbullying follows the child where she goes, through texts, gaming, social networks, and apps, even right on her phone. This means a child can be bullied online and offline at the same time.
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2. Document the Facts.
Once you have figured out how the person is being bullied, you need to document all the facts and gauge how the person being bullied is doing mentally, physically, emotionally, and psychologically. The following are the facts that you will want to have before following the next steps to responding to bullying:
- Where the bullying is occurring.
- When it is happening.
- Who is bullying?
- What type of bullying is occurring (you determined this in your first step to responding).
- How frequently does it happen?
- If the teacher/manager/boss is present when it happens.
- What other adults are present when it is taking place
- What has the person being bullied tried to do to stop the bullying on her own?
- How do you know it is going on (this one is only for a parent of a child being bullied)
- How it affects the person being bullied.
- If you have started counseling, you can share anything the counselor recommends sharing with the teacher (this one is only for a parent of a child being bullied)
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3. Contact the Adult in Charge.
Step 3 is to reach out to the leader of where the bullying is happening. For a child, there is a proper chain of command. As long as the teacher is trustworthy and has your child’s best interest at heart, you reach out to the teacher first. If the teacher is untrustworthy or the bullying continues and you don’t feel the teacher is helping, the principal is the next leader to meet with. It is important, though, not to jump to the principal right away if the teacher has your child’s safety as a top priority. Suppose neither of those leaders takes it seriously, or the bullying constantly repeats, and they have exhausted all the help they can give. In that case, you need to go to the Superintendent or School Board, depending on the school your child is attending.
As an adult, the leader of where the bullying is happening can be a manager, boss, organization leader, etc. This looks different for various places and spaces, so you have to be very conscious and careful of who you contact with the bullying information and facts to respect the chain of command and for your privacy. For example, if you are a store cashier, you should meet with a trustworthy manager to discuss what is going on instead of going straight to the store manager. If you are in the business field, you would go to your team leader, manager, etc., first instead of going straight to the company's CEO. However, the exception to this rule is if the bullying person is the leader above you, you will go to the next title, rank, or position above that person.
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4. Seek Additional Help.
When reaching out to a leader, it is very important to create a written agreement. Anyone can give their verbal agreement, but if the bullying continues, then a verbal agreement does not carry weight moving forward. Unfortunately, a verbal agreement is one person’s word against another and is not documented. Documentation is very important when it comes to bullying. Together, the leader and you need to draft a clear plan on the action that will be taken if the bullying continues, the consequences that the person bullying will receive, how you or your child will be kept safe, and ways to report the bullying if it does not cease.
Once sharing about the bullying, it is important for you or the child to seek a spiritual mentor or Christian counselor. Bullying is not just a worldly problem. It is a spiritual battle. John 10:10 clearly states, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (NIV, emphasis added). The enemy is trying to steal joy, power, identity, worth, and more from the person who is being bullied. He is trying to destroy the person’s mind, emotions, physical body, and psychological well-being. If help is not sought, then he may even kill, as suicide is on the rise. It is imperative that the latter doesn’t happen, and instead, a spiritual mentor, Christian Counselor, or both are pursued. These spiritual leaders can sow truth back in your or your child’s mind, heart, and soul. They can lift you up in prayer and fight the spiritual battle for and with you. They can bring the lies to the light and declare them as just that, lies.
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5. Replace Lies with Biblical Truth
Along with the spiritual mentor time, independently, the child or adult being bullied needs to replace the lies with truth from the bible. The important process that I go into more detail in my personal book, Behind the Hidden Doors: Bullying, Hope, and Identity is the following:
- Identify the lie.
- Recall who spoke the lie over you/your child.
- Recognize where the lie was spoken.
- Replace the lie with the truth.
- Match the truth with Scripture for power.
By following the 5 step process, you are taking power away from the lie and uprooting it in your heart and mind. Then, you can pair it with a scripture that speaks the truth about that lie. For example, the lie is “I am stupid.” A classmate called the child stupid after she answered a math problem incorrectly in front of the class. The truth is I am smart/I have been chosen.
“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession.” - 1 Peter 2:9
May these tools empower you or your child to raise the victor’s flag in the face of bullying instead of your surrender flag. Or may they prepare you for the days ahead to help those who need it as you advocate. May you or the child hold onto the truth that Scripture declares over your life, remembering that the word of God is living and active. As it states in 2 Timothy 3:16-17, “All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16-17, emphasis added). Take your stance as the daughter or son of God of the King of Kings, and walk in that truth and identity.
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She is mostly known for her gift of mercy, helping all who meet her feel seen, heard, and valued. With a passion for empowering women and children to walk in freedom, she dedicates herself through her vlog, books, Freedom Diaries Podcast, speaking, and community engagements and events to help them reclaim hope, identity, and joy. Connect with Rachel on her website and Instagram.
Originally published Friday, 15 November 2024.