Mentorship can be one of the blessings of being in a faith community. While mentoring is built into some relationships, other mentoring relationships are harder to form. If you’re seeking to gain life experience from someone in your faith community, eager to learn ways to focus on maturing in your faith, a mentor may be exactly what you need. Here are some tips that have worked in my life. But first let’s discuss what mentoring is and what it’s not.
What Mentorship Is Not
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens a friend” (Prov 27:17). There is no shortage of mentoring relationships found in both the Old and New Testaments in scripture. Titus 2:2-4 gives the instruction, “Older women teach younger women to love their husbands and love their children.” This passing on of habits from an elder to a young person is a common theme in scripture. What we also see is that mentoring is relationship-driven. It is different than the relationship of pupil-to-teacher or coach-to-player. Though you can find a mentor in those environments, those predetermined relationships may not be mentorships because mentorship is not based on performance.
Mentors are not counselors. If your primary goal is to get through a tough experience or a challenge in your personal life or career, then a counselor is the best person to talk to. A mentor will not necessarily have the skills to counsel someone effectively. A mentor’s qualifications are who they are holistically, not necessarily their occupation. A mature woman at church may work as a bus driver when she isn’t at church. If you’re looking for a mentor in your faith, be careful not to confuse depth of faith with job responsibilities.
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Mentorship Takes Time, Flexibility, and Effort
Mentors must have the time and will to be loyal to the mentoring relationship. You can observe the characteristics of loyalty as you watch from afar before approaching the potential mentor. Then, you should be direct about the type of commitment you’re asking for.
I am fortunate to attend a church with an established mentoring ministry, complete with a mentoring covenant. When approached to be a mentor, I felt it was a great honor to be selected. Beyond the mentoring agreement, I attended a lunch that introduced me to the mentoring ministry and met other women who had served as mentors in the past. I benefited from the experience and organization of others in the process, and I had opportunities to ask questions. If at any time I thought I would be unable to fulfill the responsibilities of the covenant, I was under no obligation to continue in the ministry.
I appreciated this well-planned and executed approach and enjoyed being in the company of mature women committed to mentoring others. However, I want to be clear that mentoring is not usually as neatly organized or as serene and tranquil as this invitational experience was at my church. In his book Mentoring, Tim Elmore writes, "Mentorees must be willing to do the work.” In your search for a mentor, you may encounter someone very active and must couple your meetings with their daily workout in a gym or on a track. They may have constraints that only allow the two of you to talk while you walk, run, or get lunch quickly on a 30-minute to one-hour lunch break. Instead of feeling disrespected, value the time they have set aside to mentor you despite a busy schedule. Even those shorter increments of time can yield quality advice and life-on-life mentoring. Yes, a mentor should commit his or her time to you, but if two hours don’t fit into their schedule every time you meet, don’t snub what could be a life-changing opportunity. Be encouraged by the words of Proverbs 20:5, “Counsel in another’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding draws it out.”
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What to Consider When Looking for a Spiritual Mentor
While it takes initiative to find a mentor, potential candidates are all around you. Once you’ve decided that you want this type of relationship, decide what type of faith mentor you want or need, and do a little background check. If your prospective mentor is not a public figure or just isn’t active on social media, you’d only get to know them by talking to the people who know them more closely or observing them yourself. Is there someone you know who serves selflessly, speaks gracefully, and works diligently? Are those the qualities you want to build in yourself? If the answer is yes, then maybe you’ve just found your mentor. But that’s just one leg of the journey. What comes next?
When you approach someone to be your mentor, be ready to do most of the work. Tim Elmore offers the tips below:
1. Ask him or her to help you ask the right questions.
2. Decide what degree of excellence you want (The object of mentoring is improvement, not perfection).
3. Accept a subordinate learning position.
4. Respect the mentor, but don’t idolize him/her.
5. Immediately put into effect what you are learning.
6. Set up a discipline for relating to a mentor (arrange for an ample and consistent time schedule, select the subject matter in advance, and do your homework to make the sessions profitable).
7. Reward your mentor with your own progress (Your progress is the highest reward).
8. Learn to ask crucial questions.
9. Don’t threaten to give up (28-29).
A 1995 “Promise Keepers” newsletter printed these words:
“Will you take a risk with us, and allow us to serve alongside you in the spiritual warfare we all face? Will you let us share with you our burning passion for Jesus Christ while receiving the treasure of your experience? We need you to help us find our place in a confusing world.”
Where are the [ones] to accept us with no strings attached, to let us serve alongside them without fear of failure? Where are the [ones] willing to share their mistakes so that we might not repeat them? Where are the [ones] willing to love us enough not to leave us the way we are?” (qtd. in Mentoring,12)
Those words may be your heart’s cry. If that’s you, I’ve suggested some places below where you might find your next mentor.
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Where to Look and How to Pray for a Spiritual Mentor
Small Groups
These groups are set up for life-on-life relationships, but they’re often also grouped by similarities. So, peers are grouped: 20-somethings with 20-somethings, 30-somethings with 30-somethings, and so on. While you might not find a mentor in your same small group, look for another small group of more seasoned believers. You might find your mentor there.
Lay Ministers at Church
Do you see someone serving consistently at church in the same ministry or a few ministries? Is there a Sunday school or youth minister you would love to emulate? After watching for a while, approach that person and ask them to become your mentor. Even if they don’t have the time to mentor you, they will probably know someone who does.
Campus Organizations
In your school environment, you may find a mentor. If you’re a student, do you have a professor who reveals their faith in their lessons or when you meet them during office hours? If yes, then maybe you’ve found your next mentor.
Look for the People God Has Purposefully Placed around You
Be a good listener when you join other organizations, and keep your eyes open for clues about the people around you. You may be involved in local organizations like The Boys & Girls Club, 4-H, or a local Little League. If, while performing regular duties in the civic organization, you see godly qualities in a person, consider asking other probing questions, like “Do you attend church regularly?” You could even ask to go to church with that person. If all the clues point to that person as a strong person of faith, invite them to mentor you. Outline how the mentoring relationship will be organized regarding time for that person. Ask him/her to suggest a book you can read together. Ask if they can devote an hour or more regularly to meet with you and check on your progress.
Praying for a Mentor in Faith
If you’re a new believer, take my word for it. God loves to answer prayer. If all the tips above seem overwhelming, this one is the most important. Pray. God loves to answer the prayers of His children. Let Him know you need a mentor, and wait to hear how He answers you.
Finally, remember mentors aren’t perfect. They are just willing to share their lives. We see strengths and weaknesses in Naomi, a mentor to Ruth (Ruth 1:13, 21), and Paul, a mentor to Timothy (Acts 8:1-3). With the right expectations, a mentorship can be a refreshing, deeply rewarding experience for both involved.
References: Elmore, Tim. Mentoring: How to Invest Your Life in Others. Indianapolis: Kingdom Business Ministries (1995).
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Originally published Wednesday, 02 April 2025.