A situationship is a quasi-relationship between two people that can often lead to confusion, aching hearts, and discouragement. Typically, they arise due to a lack of communication and have become a common problem amongst several generations. At times, they have the feeling of a very serious relationship while never being officially called and determined to be in a legitimate romantic relationship. Situationships can and should be prevented so that all involved feel respected and understood.
1. Be Intentional
Intentionality is key to avoiding situationships and living a life marked with an authentically purposed heart. Know the defining line between being friendly and being flirty. Practically speaking, know that you can be warm, kind, and sincere without creating invitations for more. Be mindful of how you navigate conversations; remember that often, continuing a conversation or being too casual can offer mixed messages. Keep conversations to an appropriate depth and length so that they do not overstep that line of friendly and flirty, and be mindful of being intentional with what you are discussing. If you do not desire to date someone, then it is best not to cultivate a relationship like you would in a dating relationship. This could mean getting to know someone in a way that is beyond friendship, or that would create uncertainty on their end regarding your intentions.
2. Boundaries
Boundaries are important in any relationship, be it friendship and beyond, but they are especially important in avoiding situationships. Some boundaries can be as simple as no texting after 9 PM with someone of the opposite sex unless it is an emergency or a rule not to hang out one-on-one. Typically, one-on-one hangouts are reserved for dates, so if it is a date, define it as such. Other boundaries to keep in place would be what exactly you are discussing, ensuring that you do not overshare with someone, and that limits of depth are explained. As much as it is nice to have someone to talk to, it is wise to keep a boundary for yourself in terms of how much, in what context, and to what amount you share with someone of the opposite sex. Vulnerability builds relationships, and if a romantic relationship is not something you see with them, it is unfair to invite them into much of your sacred space.
3. Communication
Communication is so very, very important in avoiding situationships. You do not have to be overly blunt or hurtful, but you can kindly make your feelings known and understood by another person. If you feel the other person is being excessively flirty, is perhaps oversharing, or is showing indications that they have feelings for you, be transparent and discuss it. Instead of avoiding the metaphorical "elephant in the room," acknowledge the elephant! Having an open conversation about it will free you and the other person from lingering questions and allow for less awkward interactions. If you are truly dating, define it as a date. Call a spade a spade and make the courageous choice to define the relationship and avoid the gray zone. Many situationships are birthed from what is not said, so choose to communicate. Remember that it is not only for your benefit but ultimately for the other person's benefit to feel respected.
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4. Know Not Everyone Is Trying to Date You
Not to lower self-esteem or deflate egos, but not everyone has the intention of dating. Some people genuinely will express interest and concern for you out of a sincere desire for friendship or fellowship in the Lord. Watch how they interact with those around you and see if it is similar or the same as how they treat you, the amount of attention they give you, or the time they spend talking to you. Don't shy away from gently making yourself known as well to clear up any potential misunderstandings. Don't quickly assume that those seeking friendship or fellowship are only seeking romance because that can be something to stifle and discourage the health of the Body of Christ.
5. Friendship and Fellowship
The Body of Christ, the Church, is a beautiful place to build not only fellowship but friendship through the Lord. You don't have to avoid every person of the opposite sex; remember, that person is your sibling in Christ and deserves respect. The person you are interacting with is a son or daughter of God; when you interact with them, it is vital to remember that fact. Many times, we confuse someone desiring something romantic when, in fact, they are seeking to edify the Church through fellowship. Ask the Lord to help make intentions known and the light to expose their desire so that you do not miss out on a beautiful facet of doing life together as the Body.
6. Invite God In
Don't limit God to predictability or underestimate what He might have to say regarding romance. If you truly desire a spouse one day, inviting God into the process is vital. This includes asking for His insight, His heart, and what He desires when potential partners arise. God may have something for you to learn in your journey to your spouse, or He may have someone in mind you would not have considered if it weren't for His leading in that area. Don't answer for Him, but instead, place the person with respect before Him in prayer and ask Him to reveal to your heart what He wants you to know. It may just surprise you.
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7. Ask the Lord for Wisdom
Above all else, ask the Lord for wisdom in navigating your love life. God knows what is best for you and who is best for you. Remember, just because you feel led to date someone does not atomically mean that is the person God has for you. They may prove to be someone who was a part of your journey. This is why staying in tune with the Lord is important, asking for His leadership and guidance in your life. Ask God to bring about a relationship that will be entwined with Him, not one entangled with uncertainties and confusion due to situationships. Though it may be counter-cultural and though it may be very much unlike something you would write, trust His Authorship. A God-ordained and written relationship is worth the wait, the journey, and trusting Him for in the end. God wants His best for you!
RELATED PODCAST: Many women want to know why it’s so hard for men to open up and share their feelings. Listen to the full podcast below and hear Avery Martin explain how guys think about “short-term fun” women, intimacy and communication all from a Christian perspective with host Dana Che, founder of Thrive Relationships.
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8. Don't Settle!
Situationships are very common in our culture, but they do not need to be part of your story. Navigate all relationships and interactions with those of the opposite sex with God so that you may truly know what His will is for your life. God will lead you in the right direction, give you the words to say, and supply you with all you need in the process. Listen for that still, small voice and know He can help you through even the most complex of situations. Also, remember that you are worth more than a situationship. You are a child of the Creator of the Universe; you matter! Hold out for the respect, honor, and healthy relationship you truly deserve, for sticky and superficial interactions are not what you must settle for in your life.
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Originally published Wednesday, 13 March 2024.