Emotional maturity is having the ability to manage your emotions. It's understanding them. It's being self-aware of your emotions. It's being able to recognize and share your feelings appropriately. It's the ability to form and sustain healthy relationships, hold yourself accountable, and engage in healthy conflict. Being emotionally mature is a skill everyone should possess because it produces quality relationships. Building and sustaining quality relationships is taught and learned by the first teachers in a person's life: their parents. Parents are a child's first teacher. They are the first people children meet. They provide encouragement, guidance, and support in many ways for many reasons. In short, parents are essential to the well-being of a child's life. Many children and adults look to their parents for guidance in various areas of their lives because they are the trusted individuals who shaped and molded them into the people/person they are. They are expected to nurture children from the time they are small and when they transition into adulthood.
While it is an automatic expectation of parents, or parental figures, to nurture their children maturely, the reality is that many parents have developed emotionally immature relationships with their children. Emotional immaturity is defined as the tendency to express emotions without restraint. It is having limited insight on how their actions and reactions affect others. It is lacking effective communication, demanding attention, avoiding responsibility, and failing to hold oneself accountable for their actions. It often stems from untreated trauma, an unsupported mental health condition, growing up with insecure attachments, and so on. Emotional immaturity can be attached to suppressed experiences that may manifest through various behaviors. As a result of these unhealthy behaviors, toxic relationships develop between parents and their child/ren. For believers, the Bible makes it clear that we are to honor our mother and father as it demonstrates our love for Christ. It teaches respect for authority, and it honors God. So then, for believers and non-believers who have emotionally immature parents, how do they honor their parents? By setting clear boundaries for everyone to honor. If you don't know how to set boundaries with emotionally immature parents, take a look at the following list.
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1. Be intentional about what you share, when you share, and how you share it.
Sharing is the act of giving a portion of something to someone. It is an act of kindness and selflessness rendered from the heart. Sharing details of your life from any aspect is a sacred act that indicates trust in the one you are sharing with, and it shouldn't be taken lightly. If you are dealing with an emotionally immature parent, you must be careful about what you will share with them. Being intentional when opening up to your toxic loved one means identifying what you will share with them, when, and how. It also means that you have taken into consideration their reaction and your feelings. If you decide to share your life with parents who are emotionally disconnected from you, be sure you limit the information to a need-to-know basis where you are comfortable, and that avoids triggering a negative response.
2. Be clear about the boundaries you need and why you need them.
Boundaries are one of the many love languages people take for granted. Setting clear boundaries protects your peace, reduces resentment, and promotes healthy relationships. When setting your boundaries, you must first be clear on your needs. You must understand how to protect your mental, physical, and emotional space. Take some time to write out your personal needs and identify your negative triggers when it comes to the relationship with your parents. Once you've clearly identified your needs, effectively communicate them to others to ensure they understand them. In some cases, you may have to go the extra mile and show them how to honor your boundaries. Setting clear boundaries with your parents can create a space of peace and respect for everyone while maintaining a healthy parent-adult child relationship.
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3. Learn how to communicate clearly with them.
Communication is vital to maintaining healthy relationships. If you're dealing with emotionally immature parents, you must know how to communicate with them. Doing this requires you to understand what to say to them, when to say it, and how to say it. It also requires you to know what form of communication is best for you to use. Phone calls, text messages, emails, penning a letter or in-person communication are a few ways you can communicate, but of course it's up to you to decide what you are most comfortable with. Once you've decided how you want to communicate, be clear on what you will say to them, and be mindful of your tone. Many times, when we have encounters with emotionally immature people, emotions can shift, and the tone used can create an emotionally hostile environment. So, as you continue to engage with parents who may be emotionally immature, be sure you know how to effectively communicate with them to share your needs and avoid triggers.
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4. Identify and protect your peace at all times.
Peace is freedom from disturbance. It is a state of calmness. It is a state of tranquility that one defines on their own terms. Identifying and protecting your peace is a must when it comes to engaging with toxic parents because it allows you to build a significant relationship with yourself and helps you respond to others who challenge your peace. A few ways you can protect your peace before or after engaging with emotionally immature parents are to pray to maintain your peace, journal your feelings, speak to a professional, or engage in activities that bring you joy. Protecting your peace is an essential life skill that is often overlooked. It should be practiced more often than not.
5. Redefine your interactions with them.
When you redefine something, you change it. When dealing with an emotionally immature parent, it may be best for you to redefine your interactions with them. Changing how you interact with your toxic loved ones can reshape your relationship. To redefine your interactions with emotionally immature parents, you can maintain a respectful yet cheerful demeanor around them; speak kindly to them, listen to them, and, most importantly, don't let your thoughts get the best of you. Changing the way you interact with a toxic person can ultimately change their outlook on your relationship and cause them to look inward at themselves.
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6. Limit your time with them.
If you are changing your interactions with your toxic loved one, then it may be time to limit your time with them. Time is a special thing that you can't get back, and it should be spent wisely. If you have emotionally insecure parents, then it's best that you restrict your time with them. You can limit it to special occasions, scheduling short monthly visits, a phone call, or whatever makes you comfortable. Limiting your time with parents who aren't good for your spirit will help you maintain your peace while creating a healthy relationship with them, whether they know it or not.
7. Learn to engage in positive confrontation.
Positive confrontation is when people can bring up a subject that is typically deemed as negative or can trigger negative responses constructively. Many times, toxic relationships continue because people or the person who is suffering from the toxicity avoids confrontation. However, confrontation can be a helpful tool to mend broken relationships when done correctly with pure intentions of mindful healing. Some ways to engage in positive confrontation are to always remain calm, be empathetic towards yourself and the parent, find common ground, and communicate effectively and respectfully.
Knowing how to set healthy boundaries with emotionally immature parents is something that mature adults must implement in their lives. No one chooses their birth parents, and no one can predict their relationships with them. While the biblical and societal expectation is for children to honor their parents, it's also the expectation for parents not to provoke their children, no matter how young or old they are. Parents and children should honor and respect each other and foster positive relationships. Fostering those healthy relationships is important to everyone's well-being. No matter the age, children need proper nurturing from their parents in many aspects of their lives. Adults must learn to hold themselves accountable for their emotions and interactions with each other, especially interactions with family. Creating healthy boundaries for yourself and making them clear to your toxic loved ones is essential to mental, spiritual, emotional, and familial health. Learning to manage and interact with emotionally immature parents, or people in general, is something mature adults must learn how to do to maintain their peace and sustain healthy relationships. Setting healthy boundaries can foster the necessary change to bring parent-child relationships back to the standard God has set in place for the families He's created.
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Originally published Friday, 26 April 2024.