The walk of life is filled with all kinds of relationships. We pray that they’re mostly good ones that enrich our lives, but that’s not always the case. They say people are here for a reason, a season, or a lifetime; unfortunately, some fall in the former. Lucky for us, God redeems all things for good, and losing a friendship or just not clicking with someone from the start are no exceptions to that rule.
It doesn’t make it easier at the moment, though, and spending time around these people can be inevitable. However, it’s during times like these that I’m often reminded of one of the more remarkable concepts in the faith, one that can be challenging when the temptation is to do the exact opposite. Treat everyone like Jesus died for them. Because He did. Yes, even that stranger who was rude to you at Starbucks, even that ex-friend from your past who won’t stop spreading rumors about you, even that peer who won’t get off your nerves.
All of them have the same opportunity for salvation as you. It’s inviting to let those people ruin your day, to snap back, maybe to say something bad about them too. That’s not how we’re supposed to conduct ourselves. It’s one of the more powerful exercises for self-control, but you have to remind yourself in those moments that they are a child of God and loved just the same as you. You can’t treat them as anything less.
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1. Love God
It’s a simple concept. When Jesus was approached and asked outright what the greatest commandment was in Matthew 22:37, He didn’t hesitate to answer that it was to love the Lord your God with all of your heart. He continued to say that the second is like it and that you shall love your neighbor as yourself.
However bothersome that person is to you, they are your neighbor, and you are not asked to like them; you are commanded to love them. Otherwise, you would not be loving God. The two are so closely intertwined that you can’t have one without the other. Now, what is love? How do we love someone who has done us so wrong?
“And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.” Luke 6:31
Christianity demands kindness and just treatment, but the Bible has never instructed us to be doormats or pushovers. Matthew 7:12 echoes the same sentiment referenced above. To start, we can simply treat others civilly. In fact, it truly is the most mature course of action for any interaction. Being respectful is the bare minimum, and no one benefits from snarky comments or dirty looks.
It’s certainly not expected to treat someone as a friend when they haven’t been one; it’s not good to reward unacceptable behavior, but there are a few ways to have decorum going forward.
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2. Pray for Others
It’s incredibly hard to continue feeling anger toward someone if you’re praying for them—not praying because you feel obligated, but genuinely sitting down and praying for that person. Putting yourself in your enemies’ shoes very quickly gives you a new perspective.
I’ve tried this out myself on occasion, and it had me thinking in ways I never would have thought about someone who betrayed me. I felt compassion and even empathy. It brought me peace in ways I didn’t know it would. I found myself thinking about all that may be going on in their lives to make them act in those ways.
Maybe the grumpy lady at Starbucks had received some bad or devastating news that morning. I didn’t have to imagine the scenarios for ex-friends because, funny enough, I already knew them so well. They’d always had struggles with their family or even their own self-worth. We didn’t need to keep being friends, but I could pray for them.
“But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Matthew 5:44
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3. Extend Grace
Remember, revenge, picking a fight, and gossiping are not the path to healing. Instead, embrace the power of love and grace. It's not necessary to maintain a friendship that causes you pain. By choosing to love yourself and others, you can overcome the hurt.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29
However, responding with malice or cruel intent is also not loving. Act with grace and treat the other person with dignity. Jesus wants us to set boundaries and defend ourselves in respectful ways, but seeking revenge is not our job. God will repay; He expects us to do what is honorable.
"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." - Romans 12:17-21
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4. Pause before Reacting
There are two different paths to take when dealing with someone we don’t get on with, whether we’ve just met them or known them for a long time. Confrontation is the first option. Is the situation worth having a conversation? Obviously, that lady in the Starbucks probably doesn’t need a conversation, but someone who did you wrong and you will likely keep seeing may need to be spoken to.
That peer from before, maybe you’re working on a project for school with someone who won’t do their part, or you have a coworker who won’t stop bugging you. They may need kind and intentional confrontation. If there’s something you can do to make that everyday reaction better, you should. If it’s that friend from your past, sometimes an honest discussion can go a long way. But conversation isn’t always meant to salvage something. Sometimes, it’s meant to help you part ways.
Distance is the other option. Tough love is love, too, and I’m a firm believer in that. That can be executed by taking space if it’s possible. Remember, you won’t always get closure the way you want it, and on occasion, that is all the closure you’ll get. You’ll save yourself a lot of pain and struggle by making that choice to step away. Even if your relationship used to be close or maybe that person was just in your life quite a bit, they won’t always need confrontation. Talking doesn’t solve everything. Walking away can be the best course of action.
Pray for discernment to determine which would be best for your situation. God will help nudge you in the direction you should take. It’s important to be astute going forward to protect yourself.
“Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you. Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse.” Proverbs 2:11-12
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5. Remember, You Are Loved
Sometimes, in our heads, it can feel like, ‘How could a person who is so mean, rude, or awful have the opportunity for forgiveness in the same way I do’? Why would Jesus do that for them, too? It’s because they need it, and you need it too. You need forgiveness like they do because you, too, have sinned. Jesus didn’t come to condemn; He came to save.
I need the reminder that we are all sinners in need of His forgiveness and that while I may feel like the victim now, there have most definitely been instances in the past when I was the villain in someone else’s story, instances where I may not have conducted myself with grace and dignity. It’s why we all deserve to be treated like Jesus died for us—because, thank goodness, He did!
“For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Matthew 6:14-15
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Originally published Tuesday, 18 June 2024.