Ice cream, chocolate, takeout, movies, and naps! Those are the top things I wish we spent more time sharing together during those early postpartum days with each of my kiddos. We were so eager to show, share, and get one with life that we didn't take the chance to slow down and honor the crazy state we were living in as we welcomed our babies into our home.
Those first weeks are pretty wild as you recover, welcome, and adjust to life with another tiny human to nurture. Each child adds a whole new level of joy but also creates an added level of stress and exhaustion. Marriage can get tense when you both are dead tired, unsure how to handle your new family dynamic, and hormones are all over the map! Grace upon grace is required to navigate the way forward well. It's a marathon, not a sprint, and giving each other space to process, even lamenting at times how different life feels now, is so important.
I remember when I prepared to meet our second little man, only 20 months after our oldest entered the world, my wise midwife told me that it's okay to grieve the change from only focusing on our one perfect toddler to splitting our attention between the new baby and the toddler. She knew something I was yet to experience: our lives would forever be changed with each new child that joined our family.
This advice was useful when my husband found himself exasperated and frustrated with our new baby when he would cry between 8 pm and 11 pm. We would do all the things to soothe him, but he didn't have it. My husband was overwhelmed because he knew this tiny baby was making life with two kids difficult. If we couldn't sleep, we could barely function. We learned that seasons pass, and frustration happens, and as a parent, we must embrace God's grace through it all!
Marriage is tough in the trenches of change, but family was meant to be grown with a team (aka Mom and Dad) working together to keep everyone together. We must not lose sight of each other when we feel in over our heads. The hardships and joys are something to share, not power through!
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1. Keep Life Simple
As much as it is in your ability, do what you can to simplify your life in that postpartum season. Say 'no' lots to everyone you love. Say 'yes' to meal trains, takeout, and anything that makes life easier. Commit to being home together as much as possible. Soak in the snuggles, discuss the struggles, and be together in this precious moment.
Ease back into work, life, friends, and more! Don't sprint back to normal because your marriage is the easiest thing to take last place when a new baby plus all your responsibilities need to be managed. Make 'simple' your marriage mantra until you both feel fully ready to step back out into your old roles.
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2. Check in Often
Emotions run wild the weeks after giving birth or welcoming a child into your home! With each of my kids, I experienced some level of euphoria, life-changing love, exhaustion, depression, crippling anxiety, and more! That's a lot to process. Dads also deal with uncertainty, joy, love, tiredness, and more. Basically, our emotional plates are full when new life is brought into our homes. We need to make a point to be available to each other to help process some of what we are feeling.
Check in multiple times of the day, asking each other how we are feeling and how we can help each other, and being willing to share as best you can. Practicing this vulnerability will strengthen your marriage as many, many more seasons of uncertainty are on the horizon. Parenting is never a dull journey!
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3. Relax Together
Do not plan elaborate dates together; instead, plan to relax whenever possible together. If you have bigger kids, let them watch TV while you both nap while the baby naps. Send the older kids to grandma's house or the babysitter's so you can just be home on the couch with that new little one in the swing for a while. Don't attempt the Whole 30 right now. Eat all the carbs together. Fitness and weight loss are something for the future. Just support each other in the effort to nourish your body during an incredibly physically and mentally taxing season.
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4. Show Affection
This may be harder for us Mommas because our bodies are over-touched, needed, and so drained in the months after having a baby. Yet, a strategic hug from your husband may be what you need to help your body unwind. It also reminds each other that even though your bodies feel different and overused, you are still committed to loving each other. A lot of insecurity is felt, especially for birth moms in the months after having a baby. Nothing is as it was! Words of affirmation, gentle affection, and reminders that you are beautiful for the work your body has done are powerful. Make sure to put in the effort to see each other and still show each other tenderness even in the midst of the crazy!
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5. Encourage Each Other
I remember getting home from the hospital with my first 6-pound baby boy and needing to use the bathroom. I froze because I had no idea how to potty with a baby. Did I put him on my bed? In the crib? Do I hold him while I potty? Do I put his bouncy chair in the bathroom with me? He just felt so fragile, and at the young age of 25, I felt totally clueless about how to do life while caring for this kid I loved so very much.
Parenthood is wild! It's a learn-by-trial-and-error game. We are rolling the dice daily, hoping for good results! We have to be each other's cheerleaders on this journey. Even if your husband uses too many wipes, puts the diaper on backward, and burps the baby too late, you have to lift him up with your words. He is learning as he goes too. I know we want our husbands to understand when our milk comes in late, when we start crying hysterically for no obvious reason, and when our bodies don't 'bounce back' like the Pinterest models did. This is hard work for Moms and Dads. We have to be each other's encouragers for this sacred journey.
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Final Thoughts
All my advice comes from a place of doing what I say and not what we did. My husband and I had entirely too much on our plates with every child we added to our family. We didn't relax enough, I definitely was critical of my husband's parenting, and he was clueless about my emotional struggles. We didn't get it all right, but we've stuck together and learned a lot along the way. Even if your postpartum season feels chaotic and your marriage feels tense, give it time and keep at it. You'll get better at this thing in time.
Originally published Tuesday, 22 August 2023.