Making and keeping friendships has to be one of the hardest things in the world. As children, it can be very easy to make friendships. It feels as though making friends is second nature when we are children.
However, when we become adults, it can feel the exact opposite of natural. Making friends is one thing, and keeping friends is another task altogether.
While many people may be good at making friends, they might be terrible at keeping friendships. From personal experience, I have had many nice people befriend me; however, there are never times when we catch up or meet up.
This alone can make me feel as though the person does not want to be my friend or wasn’t my friend in the first place. Maybe you have also felt the same in your encounters with friends. It can be very painful and cause you to question your worthiness.
If you have ever had an encounter with someone and they made you feel bad, know that it was not your fault.
Unless you straight up said something mean to them or hurt their feelings, which you most likely did not, know that the problem is them — not you.
The Lord does not want you to have fake friends or fair-weather friends. Instead, He wants you to be surrounded by loving, caring, and meaningful friendships.
If you have trouble either making or keeping friends, know that there are many things you can do. While it is impossible to make friends overnight, you can build up new friendships rather quickly.
It should be noted that it will take time, energy, and effort to build friendships and to maintain them. Making a friend is not a one-time thing. Rather, it is something you have to cultivate and feed into just as you would do if you were trying to grow a garden.
Friendships work in similar ways as gardens. You have to cultivate them in order to watch them bloom. If you don’t properly care for them, they will slowly die.
This will happen in friendships, too because a friendship can die if nobody is putting in the time and energy. If you truly want to work on making and keeping friends, here are five ways.
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1. Be Intentional
One way to make and keep friendships is to be intentional. Just as you would do with any sort of relationship, you have to be intentional. If you are not intentional in making and keeping friends, the other people will quickly catch on.
You have to be intentional. While this may sound intimidating, it is something you must do. You have to be present — not passive. In the same way, you have to be active in communication rather than reactive.
Making friends is hard as adults, but it doesn’t have to be. Make yourself available to the person. Do this not only at the beginning of your friendship but also maintain this availability.
It could be the person you are trying to befriend has been going through a difficult time or is struggling with a mental health concern. Be there for them and be intentional in your time with them.
Be present and alert. It is not helpful when someone isn’t paying attention to us when we are talking with them. In the same way, other people do not like it when we are not paying attention to them.
If you truly want to make and maintain friendships, you are going to have to be intentional, even if the other person is not. This intentionality has to be maintained as well because many friendships end simply because they both drift apart.
If you want to ensure your friendship doesn’t end up this way, you have to be intentional. If you both live on opposite sides of the world, arrange video calls or phone calls every once in a while.
Keep the communication going, and don’t allow so much time to pass by that they think you don’t want to be their friend anymore. Instead, be present and be intentional in your dealings with others.
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2. Go Out of Your Way to Meet Up with Them
A second way to make and keep friendships is to go out of your way to meet up with them. Many people we know would not go out of their way to meet up with us. This, in turn, can leave us feeling awfully sad and unwanted.
It is our responsibility to make sure nobody feels like this from our own doing. A great way to do this is to go out of our way to meet up with them. Maybe the time for the meet-up isn’t convenient for you, but you do it anyway because you know it works for them.
If you are never willing to go out of your way to meet up with them, the meet-up might never happen.
Whether you are trying to make a new friend or trying to maintain a friendship with someone else, if you aren’t willing to sacrifice your own time or your own schedule, you might never get to see the person.
Instead of carving the time out in stone, allow the other person to set up the time for the meet-up.
By doing this, you will be showing that you value their time and schedule. This small act of kindness can make them feel valued and know that you are a good friend.
On the other hand, if you never go out of your way to meet up with them, the friendship will quickly die.
If there is never any communication between two friends, then there won’t be a lasting friendship present. Strive to go the extra mile and go out of your way to meet up with them.
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3. Do Little Things
A third way to make and keep friendships is to do little things for them. Maybe the person you are trying to befriend or maintain a friendship with is sick. Offer to pick up groceries for them, go to the pharmacy, or take their dog for a walk.
Any of these small things can mean a lot to a person. Not to mention it also shows you care about them as a person. In order to have a friend, you have to be a friend. Nobody will be a friend to someone who is selfish or only thinks about themselves.
This is why it is important to do little things for your friends. Whether you are new friends or have been friends for a while, do something nice for them. Maybe your friend recently had a baby.
Drop her off a nice dinner or cook one yourself to take over and spend some time with her. Or maybe your friend recently went through a job loss. Offer to take her out for coffee and the two of you can talk things out.
Your listening ear, your small act of kindness, and your sincere heart will mean a lot to the person you are trying to befriend or the person you are trying to maintain a friendship with.
Even something really small, such as “I’ve been thinking about you” text can mean a lot to someone.
If they are struggling with something, such as a mental health issue, going through a breakup, or living in the aftermath of the death of a loved one, they could really use some kind words. Never underestimate the power of your words and your actions.
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4. Keep in Contact
Keeping in contact is a fourth way to make and keep friendships. If you never keep in contact with a person, you won’t ever be able to continue to cultivate the friendship. There are many people I’ve known from years ago that I have not seen in years.
While I still consider them friends, I can’t say I still know them. Outside of seeing occasional updates on social media, I do not know what is going on in their lives. Maybe you have found this to be true with your friends also.
While we know them, we don’t actually know how to present them. People change, and this includes our friends. Even if they haven’t changed on the outside, they are sure to have changed on the inside.
You cannot truly get to know them again unless you rebuild contact and keep in contact after you part ways. This is the hard part because everyone has their own busy and hectic lives.
Especially as adults, many people now have children, and that can be hard to maneuver as a parent. It is best to be flexible with their schedule and not get too down if they only have time for a quick phone call.
Cherish the time you get with them, and try to be an active listener. After the phone call ends or your quick coffee meet-up ends, try your best to keep in contact. It is true that you cannot make them stay in contact, but you can try your best to keep in contact with them.
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5. Don’t Neglect Spending Personal Time with Them
A fifth way to make and keep friendships is to not neglect spending personal time with them. Most of us meet up with our friends in a friend group. While there is nothing wrong with friend groups, it can be hard to talk to specific people in the group.
Sometimes when I have met with various friend groups, I didn’t have enough time to just say hello to some of the people. This is why it is best to not neglect to spend personal time with your friends.
By spending personal time with them, it will be you and your friend with no interruptions. You will be able to give them your full attention and they will be able to give you theirs. Personal time with friends can really help your friendship to flourish and bloom.
Maybe you have already noticed this to be true in your own life. The people you spend more one-on-one time with are probably the friends you are closer to rather than the other friends you see in the friend group.
When you spend personal time with them, think about doing an activity they might be interested in doing. If they like hiking, go hiking with them. If they adore coffee, go get coffee with them. If they love books, go to a bookshop with them.
There are endless activities on how you can spend some personal time with your friends. By investing in personal time with your friend, your friendship will grow and last.
However, if you never invest in personal time with them, you will begin to feel more like acquaintances than friends.
Making and keeping friendships can be hard, but not impossible. A few different ways is to be intentional, go out of your way to meet up with them, do little things for them, keep in contact, and don’t neglect spending personal time with them.
For further reading:
5 Proverbs for Friends When They Disagree
What Does the Bible Say about Choosing Friends?
What Does the Bible Say about Friendships?
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Originally published Thursday, 11 January 2024.