Statistics in the U.S. show that there are almost 20,0000 marriages in a year and nearly 7,000 divorces: a ratio of roughly one in three.
These numbers are startling but more surprising is the fact that divorce among Christians is also rife: several resources suggest that the numbers are not much better from within the church than they are in the secular world. God has said that a man and a woman “shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
Divorce, then, is like ripping a body apart. Surely, two people must have a very good reason for getting divorced — is that always the case, given the seriousness of this step and the significance of marriage in Scripture? Here are five real and terrible reasons to want a divorce.
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1. Unwilling to Forgive
One writer states that “the main reason Christian marriages end in divorce is due to the inability to forgive. When disappointments occur, a couple has to be ready to deal with the issues and choose to forgive. Otherwise, bitterness wells up in the heart and casts a dark cloud over the marriage.”
In other words, whether the issue is adultery or overspending; a violent temper, or a DUI: the real problem is unforgiveness.
All of those other problems are serious, but a couple can overcome them if the offending party is repentant, makes true progress towards transformation, and the other person is willing to forgive.
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). Paul is not merely suggesting that people be nicer; he is reminding the Ephesians that their Savior’s forgiveness was sacrificial. He was nailed to the cross for each person’s sins.
In Matthew 18, we see that Jesus expects us to be generous with forgiveness. He did not, however, counsel his people to overlook sin and unrepentance.
Divorcing someone who chronically cheats, lies, or lashes out and does not care to be transformed could be a wise choice. While these two people might decide to remain married under such circumstances, that would require tender and wise counseling.
But if the offended party decides to leave, this does not mean he or she is freed from the responsibility to forgive.
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2. You Are Bored with Your Partner
David, Samson, and King Artaxerxes were all men of power who happily ditched one woman to move on to the next when the mood suited them. For these men, the lack of commitment even led to trouble. David’s lust for Bathsheba caused a spiral of sin and suffering including two deaths.
In today’s society, commitment is less important than ever, at least when it comes to romantic relationships. Pew Research indicates that “feeling pressure to be in a committed relationship is highly dependent on age.
Younger singles feel much more pressure [while] a majority of singles 65 and older — the vast majority of whom are widowed or divorced, in contrast to young singles who are mostly never married — say they feel no pressure at all” from family members and friends.
The Bible, however, instructs us not to let our former desires distract us as they did in our youth. Back then, our heads were easily turned. Today, in our maturity, we must “flee from youthful passions, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace” (2 Timothy 2:22).
Paul continues exhorting Timothy, not only to behave righteously in his own life but to avoid fights. “Reject foolish and ignorant disputes” (v.23). When a spouse becomes bored, he becomes irritated and quarrelsome about silly things.
This is a time for introspection and prayer; a time to realize that pettiness could destroy a marriage. Talk to your spouse about ways to add new life to boring patterns.
Ask friends or a wise counselor for suggestions. It might not take much to find common ground again and to rekindle enthusiasm for one another’s company.
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3. The Romance Is Gone
What is romance? Various dictionaries define the term as both a fantasy, (a genre of literature for example), and as short-term love (think “whirlwind romance”). Romance is a relationship dream that does not last unless it is found within a stronger sort of marriage.
Dave Dunham remarked that “romantic love is a wonderful gift from God, but all of our relational needs cannot be met in one relationship. We need more than romantic love to be happy.”
Marriage as friendship reflects the pattern of Christ’s love for the church. “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). Day-to-day life is not romantic.
Marriage requires selflessness. When one person receives a cancer diagnosis or endures sleepless nights while the baby is tiny, the other needs to provide support humbly and generously, without drawing attention to his or her behavior.
Certainly, building romance into the relationship is a sign of intentionality and generosity, but in the long-run, it cannot be the basis for marriage. “Too often, we reduce romantic love to self-interest,” says Dunham, a big problem given that the Apostle Paul tells both parties that marriage is about submission.
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. [...] Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:22,25).
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4. One Partner Found God
Writing to the Corinthian church, Paul advised that “the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy” (1 Corinthians 7:14).
A spouse can win his or her partner over to Christ; there are many stories within the church, which prove as much, including Lee and Leslie Strobel’s. She won him over to Christ through loving persistence.
Lee Strobel wrote, “Staying riveted on the plight of a mismatched marriage bogs us down in our troubles rather than lifting our eyes toward the One who deserves our primary allegiance [...]. God recalibrates our life, and He empowers us to love our spouse when that person is not very lovable.”
“Unlovable” can look like many things, perhaps even abuse or repeated instances of adultery, but Strobel is talking about the everyday conflict that can arise when one member of the relationship becomes a believer, and the other does not.
Divorce might be the answer if a conflict becomes dangerous or leads to abandonment whether physically or emotionally. But there is honor and — potentially — joy to be experienced in the loving pursuit of a lost person, especially when that person is your spouse.
Hoping can hurt, but that hope is never wasted, even if the ones who are inspired by a spouse’s faithfulness are not the other spouse but children, friends, and co-workers.
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5. A Mid-Life Crisis
God willing, two people will grow old together. During that time, one or both spouses might experience what is popularly known as a “mid-life crisis.”
Shelby Simon wrote that this is a time of “emotional turmoil in middle age, around 40 to 60 years old, characterized by a strong desire for change.”
In mid-life, one spouse might believe he or she has missed out on something or yearns for a change of some kind before it is too late.
During this time of questioning priorities, a marriage of many years might fall apart, especially when one party starts to believe they married too young and have missed out on their youth as a result.
Personal happiness — that rallying cry of the 21st century — beckons, while righteousness sounds like an old-fashioned idea.
When the signs of aging are difficult to ignore or to hide, there can be a sudden sense of urgency about proving one is not really old, or doing every youthful activity before it is too late. Who better to make a person feel young than a younger partner?
Values Paul associates with love (1 Corinthians 13) are abandoned in favor of self-fulfillment which sounds like self-love but is merely selfishness. Love is not “self-seeking [and] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (vv. 5,7).
When a husband no longer wants to be the head of the household he fails to protect and persevere. When the wife does not want to be led, she no longer hopes and trusts.
Individuals who leave their marriages for the reasons above often struggle in second and third marriages too because the problem is sin, taken into every new relationship.
When a husband and wife are honest and they trust each other, they can solve their problems, even emerging stronger than ever, particularly if they share a focus on serving the Lord.
For further reading:
5 Reasons to Want a Divorce That Are Not Biblical
What Are Biblical Reasons for Divorce?
When Is it Okay for Christians to Consider Divorce?
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Originally published Thursday, 30 November 2023.