Marriage is often portrayed as a beautiful, romantic journey where two people fall in love, work as a team on everything, and never face serious conflicts. But anyone who has been married more than a few days knows this picture-perfect rendition isn’t usually reality. There may be times in your marriage when you feel you just don’t like your spouse. Sure, you may love him or her, but their likeability, in your mind, is quickly declining. Perhaps they’ve done something to irritate you, frustrate you, or hurt you. Maybe they’re lazy or boring, or, for whatever reason, you are starting to find it hard to be around them.
This isn’t something you’d admit to most, if any. But it’s the nagging truth you wrestle with on a weekly, if not daily, basis: you do not like your spouse. Here’s the thing: Christian marriage supersedes “feeling in love.” Genuine love isn’t only about loving when it’s easy but about commitment, sacrifice, and loving your spouse even when you don’t particularly like them. This is what unconditional love looks like. It’s God-like. It’s how He loves us, and it’s how He expects us to love one another, especially our covenant partner. Loving when you don’t feel like it is the true test of genuine Christian love. In these moments, your marriage has the potential to grow deeper and stronger than you ever imagined.
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1. Distinguish between Love and Like
It’s important to understand the difference between love and like. When we’re kids, we love everything. We love our new pencils, our new bookbag, our role as line leader, and we love the little boy or girl who smiles at us from across the room. But grown-up love is different. Liking someone is based on emotions, shared interests, or just that awesome feeling of being in the company of someone you find intriguing. It’s easy to like someone when they make you laugh, give you things, or just because they make you feel good.
Love, however, is much deeper than like. Love is a choice, a commitment to see the good in and seek the good of another person, regardless of your feelings. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 gives a clear picture of what this love is: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others; it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” But it’s not enough to know what love is; we must live what love is. Helping people to live these truths is why I wrote my interactive devotional Love Is.
This kind of love isn’t dependent on liking the person. It’s about choosing to enact love even when your emotions war against you.
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2. Remember Your Vows
Let’s go back to your wedding. When you stood before God, your soon-to-be spouse, and your loved ones, you made vows (covenantal promises) to love and cherish your spouse for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. These vows were not just for the good times but for the tough times as well. These vows remind you to pursue love even when you don’t feel love, even when you don’t feel like. When your marriage is “sick,” poor, or worse, it’s precisely during these times that your commitment is being tested.
Your marriage vows are a covenant, a sacred promise to love your spouse to love him/her as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25). Christ’s love for the church is sacrificial, unconditional, and steadfast. God loved us while we were yet sinners, while we were unlovable (Romans 5:8). History has told the story of how the people of God have constantly been unfaithful. Yet, God remains faithful. That’s what marriage is supposed to exemplify.
ALSO SEE: 4 Things Christian Marriage Requires of Us Beyond Love
Loving your spouse when you don’t like them requires you to recognize that you cannot do this in your own strength. Human love has major limitations. It often falters when faced with frustration, fear, or failure. But God’s love is limitless, and He is willing to pour that love into your heart so that you can pour that same love on your spouse.
In John 15:5, Jesus says, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing." When you’re struggling to love your spouse, this is the time to lean heavily on Christ. Pray and ask God to fill you with His love and to help you see your spouse through His eyes. Ask Him for the strength to love in the way He has called and empowered you to love.
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3. Intentional Love
Loving your spouse when you don’t like them involves intentionality. You must choose to make deliberate decisions to act lovingly, even when you don’t feel like it. This might look like speaking kindly when you’d rather curse, choosing to serve them when they are ungrateful, and showing affection when it’s the last thing on your mind.
In Colossians 3:12-14, Paul writes,
"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
Notice the language here: “clothe,” ‘bear,” “forgive’ (this one’s listed twice!), and “put on.” These are action verbs: active, intentional decisions. They don’t happen organically; they require intentional effort . . . a conscious choice to walk in love.
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4. Forgiveness Melts the Cold Heart
Forgiveness is a cornerstone of love. When you feel like you don’t like your spouse, it’s often because there’s been some kind of hurt, misunderstanding, or unresolved conflict. Holding onto hurts can create a cold, hardened heart; a barrier in your relationship, making it even harder to like your spouse.
Ephesians 4:32 encourages us to "be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Forgiveness is not just a one-time event; it’s an ongoing process. It releases your spouse from the debt of their wrongs and chooses, instead, to move forward in grace.
This doesn’t mean that you ignore your problems or pretend that everything is okay. It means you address your problems with a softened heart of forgiveness. Instead of seeking retaliation, you seek reconciliation. It’s being willing to let go of bitterness. When you forgive, you free yourself from the burden of resentment and create space for love to grow. As Olaf, from the movie Frozen, reminds us: “Only an act of true love can thaw a frozen heart.”
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5. Focus on What You Do Like
When you don’t like your spouse, it’s easy to focus on all the things that annoy you or make you unhappy. But Scripture encourages us to "think about such things" that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8). In other words, focus on the positive aspects of your spouse and your marriage. What do you like?
Make a list of the qualities that initially drew you to your spouse. What about him/her made you smile? Reflect on the good times you’ve shared, the ways they’ve supported you, and the good memories you’ve experienced together. This shift in focus can also help soften your heart and remind you of the reasons you chose to love your spouse in the first place.
It can also be helpful to express gratitude for your spouse, even in small ways. We tend to believe what we say aloud. So give it a try. It may feel untrue or unnatural at first, but keep at it. Thank your spouse for what they do, acknowledge their efforts, and express your appreciation for their presence in your life. Gratitude is life-changing. It has a way of shifting your perspective and expanding your heart.
Loving your spouse when you don’t like your spouse is one of the hardest acts of marriage. Yet, it can grow into one of the most rewarding aspects of marriage. It’s a love that reflects Christ’s unconditional love for us even when we are not at our best. Remember, marriage is a journey, and there will be ups and downs. There will be seasons when love comes easily and seasons when it requires intentional effort. But through it all, God is for you; He is with you, and He has given you the strength, grace, and love you need to fulfill your marriage vows and love your spouse as He loves you.
Need to have a hard conversation with your spouse? Get my FREE Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict Here.
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Originally published Wednesday, 04 September 2024.