The bookstore was filled with festive gifts and trinkets. Cards covered in sparkles, and wrapping paper featuring polar bears wearing red scarves, filled the tables as books like A Christmas Carol stood tall on front aisles inviting readers into the glow and warmth of the holidays. I browsed among the newly reorganized shelves, snatching tidbits of storylines. The decorations, ribbons, and wrappings seemed to pull me in, and I found myself excited about the coming of Christmas. Until I heard the song.
The twinkling sound of classic holiday music filled the air throughout my visit. But when I rounded a corner to look at stationary sets, I caught the sound of Burl Ives’ “Silver and Gold.” My mother’s favorite Christmas song. The music tugged at my memory – taking me back to the car rides in the dark winter when we would sing carols and gaze at the light displays around town. It reminded me of the way my mother would make hot chocolate like no one else, using powdered cocoa and a dash of cinnamon. The way she smiled when watching my excitement after opening a special gift. I had not expected the ache of grief at that moment, but it had come. An ache that has lingered and will continue to rise and tug until I am with the Lord in heaven.
No one truly prepares us for this aspect of grief: the hidden heartaches that continue long after a loved one or friend has died. Lots of people like to quote the adage that time heals all wounds. Yet, I have seen grief in the eyes of the young and old – a sadness that lingers years and decades after the initial loss. It testifies to the reality of living in a fallen world and the holes death leaves in the lives of people.
Time might lessen the pain, but only God can heal. And He will on that day when He makes all things new and wipes every tear from our eyes (Isaiah 25:8; Revelation 21:4). Until then, we can be aware of the unexpected and overlooked sorrows that continue long after losing a loved one, while also finding hope and comfort in the Savior.
Photo Credit: © Unsplash/Riccardo Mion
1. Mourning Moments You Did Not Get to Experience
I have always wanted to take my mother on trips to Paris and New York. She had dreamed of traveling to these destinations but never had the opportunity or financial means to go. For years, I saw my mother work tirelessly to support my sisters and me, and I decided as a teenager to save money to eventually give her a fun and relaxing trip. I diligently placed extra money from what I earned into savings, and I accumulated a sizable amount of money (or at least, that is what I thought at the time). Still, it was not enough. I assumed that when I got older and had a better job, I could take her on the trip. But that day never came. My mother died when I was nineteen years old.
Not only did I never get the opportunity to take my mother on a trip, but she has missed, and will miss, many other parts of my life. She did not get to see me graduate from college or start my first professional job. So many other things could happen in the future. Yet, I will not get to share those moments with her.
Although individual circumstances vary, often we will encounter significant milestones in life without loved ones. And not only that, but we will miss the simple, everyday encounters like joyful conversations or quiet work together. These are areas in which we acutely feel the pain of loss.
As believers, we should not be so quick to dismiss the intensity of such moments as if grief is unspiritual. Scripture never downplays the sorrow of loss. Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus (John 11:35), and Paul mentions grief as a reality we will all face (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18). We do not grieve like those who have no hope, but we do grieve (1 Thessalonians 4:13).
So, we can mourn these moments, even the everyday ones, but we do so with hope. Our Lord came to free us from sin and death so that we could live in joy with Him forever on a restored earth that will no longer be marred by the effects of sin. Death is not the end of our story.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Martin Dimitrov
2. Seeing the Empty Chair, Room, or Home
When someone who is close to us dies, we see their absence in everything. The friend who we used to visit regularly is no longer in his or her house. That restaurant where we feasted and fellowshipped with a beloved member of the church seems emptier now with the loss. And the chair at the table where our mother or father once sat is more vacant than we want to acknowledge. These places in our lives are empty.
Often, we are encouraged to remove and haul away the clothes and items of past family members. It is as if people think they can store away or remove their sorrow. But life does not work this way. All the items that our loved ones owned could be donated, or the house would be torn down, but there would still be reminders of their absence.
There were days when I could almost imagine my mother sitting in her home office until I saw the empty chair and untouched keyboard. In these small, bittersweet moments, I must remind myself that the emptiness is not forever. One day, our believing loved ones will be resurrected in glorified bodies. Right now, they are absent from our lives while they are in heaven, but one day, they will be present with us again on the New Earth. We will create new memories as we worship the Lord together.
Then, there will be no more empty chairs, rooms, or homes.
Photo Credit: Pexels/Daniel Reche
3. Something You Hear, See, Smell, Touch, or Taste Reminds You of the Loss
People inhabit places. We leave marks on the houses and apartments we live in and the items we cherish, which turn into memories. Hence, individuals often associate certain tastes, scents, fabrics, music, or objects with a memory of a loved one.
A cup of homemade soup or a unique dish from a family recipe makes you think of your aunt or grandmother. Memories of days working with your grandfather in a garden come to mind whenever you smell freshly tilled earth or herbs. Or perhaps, like me, a certain song jolts you back to a special time you shared with a loved one.
Such little reminders can pop up throughout our days. They can bring us joy mingled with sadness. Even then, we can use these moments to give thanks for the time we were able to spend with our friends or family members and the ability to remember them. For cherishing memories is not sinful, and neither is acknowledging the pain of loss.
In these times, which lots of people around us may not notice, we can talk to the Lord about our memories and feelings. He cares about us, including our hurts and heartaches (1 Peter 5:7). Scripture is filled with examples of individuals casting their sorrows on the Lord (see Psalm 6:3; 119:28; Lamentations 1:12). We can do the same in these hidden moments of grief.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/urbazon
4. A Shadow Hangs Over Holidays
Holidays are more special because of the people in our lives. We gather with others for birthdays, graduation and wedding celebrations, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other festive days. Our memories of and fondness for these occasions are connected to our friends and family. For instance, imagine what it would be like to worship on Christmas Eve in an empty church. We could still worship and give thanks for what God has done, but it would not be the same without the fellowship of our brothers and sisters in Christ.
During holidays, grief is often more evident. The person who died is no longer present in the celebration, which casts a shadow over the day. Our loss need not be recent either for this shadow to be present, as we can celebrate a holiday a year or ten years after death and still feel sorrow. No holiday is ever the same after the death of a best friend, mother, brother, spouse, child, or other loved one.
Just because they are not present, though, does not mean they are forgotten. We can choose to remember our loved ones on these days, such as making a favorite dish they always cooked, using inherited dishware, or visiting the grave to leave flowers. As we do, we can grasp onto the promise that a grand celebration is coming – Scripture speaks of the Marriage Supper of the Lamb and the banquet in Christ’s coming kingdom (Matthew 26:29; Revelation 19:9). No shadow will loom over those festive gatherings.
As the Bible says, “On this mountain, the Lord Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine—the best of meats and the finest of wines. On this mountain, he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove his people’s disgrace from all the earth. The Lord has spoken” (Isaiah 25:6-8, NIV).
Photo Credit: © Getty Images/tommaso79
5. Increased Sadness on the Anniversary of a Loved One’s Death
Despite the amount of time that passes after a loved one’s death, the anniversary of their departure will continue to bring feelings of sadness. I have experienced many such annual reminders of the death of my mother, and none of them are easy. There are times I want to rush through the day to avoid the painful memories. Yet, in other years, I desire to be intentional about honoring my mother – and looking ahead to the assured hope of the resurrection.
Sorrow will resurface on the anniversary of our loved ones’ passing. We may struggle with increased stress or just generally feel low. These days, we need to show ourselves grace, take time to rest in the Lord, and find strength in His promises. A close friend or family member may even send a card or stop by to show that they, too, remember and care. They are willing to mourn alongside us (Romans 12:15).
Bouts of increased sadness will likely flare up even on normal days. During these times, we can find strength, remembering that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18, NIV).
Let us mourn and lament the loss of friends and family but also hold onto the hope that we have in Christ. Our sorrow will one day turn into rejoicing.
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Fizkes
Originally published Sunday, 08 December 2024.