Hands up if you have ever met anyone who wanted to share with you and be listened to over and over as they told the same story, and then didn’t want any commentary. Didn’t want direction, advice, exhortation, or a new perspective — anyone? Yeah, me too. They’re the ones who say, “I wish I could stop doing this thing” or “I really should read my Bible more.”
They say, “Yeah, I know it’s wrong, but I love him” or “it’s just the way I am.” They declare “I’m just being honest” but to what end? What motivates them to not change and yet to share this, to our obvious frustration with and for them? What motivates our frustration and our desire to help?
Empathy Comes First
One thing we learned in counselor training is to let people tell their stories. Don’t interrupt, or judge, or try to pinpoint an answer to a problem. Make no assumptions. Even if the person sitting in front of you has mostly gotten himself into a mess, it’s still a disturbing and painful mess.
If someone tells you he is ashamed of his porn addiction, encourage him: “it is so good that you shared this with me. Now we can take it to God together.” Ecclesiastes 4:9 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.” Make no mistake: this is work. In fact, it is spiritual warfare, and both parties are fighting on the front lines. Each one is doing something important.
This isn’t just true for a lay support worker, or for the professional counselor. It’s for everyone who engages with people anywhere, even the non-Christian. If you want to be a helper, the other person has to know you are on her side, rooting for her.
She needs to know that you believe she is worthwhile. She needs to be reminded that she is made in the same image you are: the image of God. Not everyone will be saved, but everyone was formed to reflect God’s glory in some way to the world.
If we jump in and try to fix things or tell someone, “Well, what do you expect when you screw up like that?” then she isn’t going to open up, be honest, or grow: be transformed. Why would she if you (and, by implication, everyone) is going to judge and condemn?
Exhort One Another
Let’s face it: everyone you help will present a challenge of one kind or another. Think about the last time you were in trouble and be honest. Did you go immediately to God with the problem? Did you share your story with a friend right away and hear everything she said, nodding with each gem of wisdom, taking notes?
I spoke with a woman recently who was raped in her 20s and only recently, in her 50s, shared that fact with anyone. She believed that it was her fault and she deserved it and in her 50s she was finally willing to believe (after many counseling sessions) that God hates what happened to her and loves her unconditionally.
I didn’t want to hear wisdom or empathy from my counselor or my friends when I was hurting, not at first. Admittedly, I’m slower to respond to grief. I just wanted someone to fix it without me having to look too closely at the painful issue. But my helpers persisted. Eventually, some of their wisdom got through to me when I was ready to hear it.
I was exhorted to hear the truth about God’s love for me just as Paul exhorted the church at Galatia to continue exhorting one another. “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9). I pray for the patience to also persist with those around me who are suffering but not ready to hear — yet.
Exhortation is a much stronger noun than encouragement, one weighted with urgency. It’s a necessary step too. But it will not be effective, loving, or God-glorifying if:
1. Our words start with “you should” or “you need to.” Says who?
2. Our words are phrased as an attack: “Why did you do that?” “Didn’t anyone ever tell you…?” “What did you expect to happen?”
3. Our words don’t find their root in prayer.
I kick myself when someone is hurting and I simply sort through what I have learned and read, before (or instead of) talking to God about the issue in front of me. It’s so important to pause and hear from him.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear (Ephesians 4:29).
Since we are prone to corrupt talk, just because we’re sin-machines, sifting our thoughts and words through the Holy Spirit lessens the chance we’ll blurt out something we wish we could take back later, or which undermines our helpful intentions.
How the other person receives what we offer is another matter, but you can be sure that if it’s what the Holy Spirit prompts you to say, it’s good. Good isn’t the same as easy or popular.
We Can Pray
Whether a hurting person receives our counsel or not, prayer is important. We have to give this stuff up to the Lord. Not so we’re successful, but so we remember that our purpose is always to lead people (back) to Jesus. And sometimes, our efforts seem to be misunderstood, taken poorly, or ignored.
But we don’t know what God wants to do in the life of the sufferer. That’s his business. Meanwhile, he is also doing something in the helper’s heart. He is guiding us to the throne all the time. We can’t produce anything good on our own, especially good and godly counsel.
Luke 6:43–45 recounts this wisdom from Jesus: “For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit. [...] The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”
I’m guilty of behaving like a concordance, appendix, glossary, index, sticky note, or highlighter. We lead people to the truth that’s already there so they can find it for themselves, apply it, and lead others to the same truth, but they follow because of Jesus; because of his love, not because we’re so smart.
It’s good to memorize Scripture, but what’s more important is that Christ is indelibly stamped onto everything we are and that others see him by the ways in which we love them. “And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:2).
An Unnatural Love
I don’t know about you, but I find I love people more and I love them better when I pray for them. God provides a depth of love that’s unnatural to me in my own strength, in my flesh.
Out of that love, I hope to counsel better, even if the only counsel I give is to cry real tears with someone, so she doesn’t feel like the only snotty wreck in a world of well-put-together people. She’s not right, and the best way to prove it is to get messy with her.
For further reading:
What Is Exhortation in the Bible? Definition and Meaning
5 Prayers for When You’re Desperate for God’s Help
Can God’s Mind Be Changed by Our Prayers?
5 Encouraging Psalms to Give Hope in Difficult Times
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This article is part of our prayer resources meant to inspire and encourage your prayer life when you face uncertain times. Remember, the Holy Spirit intercedes for us, and God knows your heart even if you can't find the words to pray.
Prayers for Healing
Morning Prayers
Prayers for Family
Prayers for Surgery
Prayers for Strength
Night Prayers Before Bed
Prayers for Protection
The Lord's Prayer: Our Father
