A glance at many biblical websites related to marriage and counseling suggests that marriage is never too late to save. Counselors and pastors encourage men and women to never give up on their marriages.
They talk about the value of sticking with a partner even when just one spouse is trying, and the other seems not to care anymore. Is there ever a time when a marriage is too late to save?
God ordained marriage to be a union of one man and one woman. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
Christopher Ash summarizes the “biblical view of marriage [as] of a God-given, voluntary, sexual and public social union of one man and one woman, from different families, for the purpose of serving God.”
The biblical picture of marriage between a man and a woman emulates the marriage of Christ to the Church, which is an eternal union.
Earthly marriage is only a shadow of that spiritual reality, just as the respective roles of husband and wife are only shadows of the perfect relationship between Christ and his bride.
Paul’s definition of marital roles in Ephesians 5:22-33 indicates that women should “submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord,” while men are exhorted to “love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Even if men and women could live in an ideal form of marital unity as prescribed in Scripture, their union would still pale in comparison to that of Christ and the church when we are perfected and live eternally with Jesus.
But statistics tell us that American marriages, even Christian ones, frequently end in divorce. Among Evangelical Christians, 26% of those interviewed by The Barna Group had been divorced at least once.
There had clearly come a time in the lives of these men and women when it appeared their marriage was beyond saving. This survey does not explore the reasons for divorcing their spouses or what steps were taken to try and save these marriages.
Nor do the numbers of individuals who remained married at the time of the survey reflect the state of those unions: whether a spouse was being abused, for example.
A percentage of those marriages were either extremely healthy or doing all right. Some might have reached the brink of divorce at one point or another before recovering. The numbers do not reflect those individual stories.
Statistics simply confirm what we already know: although marriage is meant to reflect the Christian couple’s ultimate reality — as part of the Body and also the Bride of Christ — human beings are flawed. They cannot live up to the ideal picture set out by Paul in Ephesians.
According to his definition, the wife should obey the husband, as the church should obey Christ. She should allow him to be the leader of the family, and she should also feel safe to do so.
He should live up to his role as the leader by spending time in Christ, by committing his life to lovingly and respectfully leading his wife and (if they are blessed with them) their children.
Together, they would also commit their lives to Jesus and yearn to reflect this kind of mutually sacrificial and satisfying kind of love to a watching world. They would be best friends, yet with the addition of an intimacy that friendships do not possess.
Paul Carter asserts that “few things are more unprecedented than what the Bible says about sexual generosity within a marriage.” He quotes from 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 in which the Apostle Paul talks about the “conjugal rights” owed to both parties.
The world promotes individualism, so it is easy to lose sight of the selfless love and deep friendship which marriage represents.
When the people and its culture cry, “You only live once” and “you do you,” suggesting that marriage is slavery, and when even Christians take Paul’s words out of context and say that his instructions to the Ephesians about submission are actually oppressive, it takes a great deal of commitment and security in one’s faith to nurture marriage through the difficult times that typically arise, one way or another.
Marriage counselors will tell their clients that saving a deeply broken marriage is always possible — with Christ. But one will find more resources online these days which talk about the biblical grounds for separation.
If a spouse (and potentially children) is in physical danger, it is right to separate, and if the abusive spouse will not repent and go through the counseling necessary to deal with aggression, then divorce is one way to protect all parties both financially and physically.
The same is true of emotional abuse, which can be shouting, insulting, gaslighting, or giving someone the silent treatment, for example.
Leslie Vernick says that it is difficult to navigate through the issue of biblical divorce, but research shows the damage done even by emotional abuse. She quotes Proverbs 12:18, which says, “Reckless words pierce like a sword,” and Proverbs 18:14, which asks, “Who can bear a crushed spirit?”
What about the covenant two people make when they get married? How can one ever consider breaking that promise? “Marriage is a parity covenant [...,] a contract between equal parties–an agreement entered into that includes promises to each other.”
Each party is expected to remain faithful to the covenant — not commit adultery, not commit abuse, not abandon the marriage, and so on.
Vernick points out that adultery can be but is not necessarily the grounds for divorce, and there are other issues that marriages can heal from, such as addiction. “When there has been repentance sought and forgiveness granted, I have seen marriages healed and restored. That brings great joy and glory to God. Just because one has biblical grounds does not mean one should pursue separation or divorce.”
Vernick’s statement is critical — there has to be real repentance, and the other party must seek forgiveness. The offended party must forgive and, indeed, is required by Christ to forgive, though not to subject his or herself to ongoing unfaithfulness or abuse. “For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret” (2 Corinthians 7:10).
Repentance has to be real, and then it is life-giving. But divorce takes time, enough time for both parties to receive Scripturally sound and empathetic counsel about how to repent and how to forgive.
The steps involved in a divorce require at least several months once both parties have agreed to start the process. First comes separation, followed by agreement as to how property is divided, custody arrangements where applicable, then a decision: do we really want to do this?
Once papers are signed by both parties, the courts declare a couple “legally divorced.” The process might differ between states, but this is the general format.
Many biblical counselors will tell stories of couples who chose, at the very last minute, to try to work things out. These couples might eventually experience a deeper unity and a more committed Christian walk.
Unfortunately, those same counselors report that such miraculous stories are rare. A marriage is too late to save if one or both parties do not wish to do the work.
Even if the adulterous individual, or the abuser, will visit a therapist, repents of his or her behavior, demonstrates a fruitful change of behavior and attitude, and seeks restoration, the other party has to be willing to forgive and has to trust that individual to no longer cause harm.
Maybe you are praying for marriage right now. One spouse is guilty of causing most of the damage, and the other spouse would forgive if given the opportunity. But the offender remains hard-hearted, unwilling to see the sin behind the problems, and maintains innocence.
God can work miracles, but the biggest miracle is being united to a God who is completely faithful and trustworthy. He does not want individuals to willingly submit to harm because of a marriage covenant. God values his children more than he values paperwork.
The most important outcome is not saving a marriage but a redeemed relationship with God through Christ, and this might have to take place (for some men and women) outside of the marriage covenant.
For further reading:
What Are Biblical Reasons for Divorce?
When Is it Okay for Christians to Consider Divorce?
Can a Christian Marriage Survive Sexual Betrayal?
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