London, a young mother of three, sat quietly, staring off into the distance as she pondered the question I’d asked as our coaching session approached its ending. After several minutes of silence, she nodded slowly and whispered a simple, “Yes.” I knew our work had reached a milestone and at the same time was just beginning.
Will you trust that the Lord has a plan even in this? I’d asked her. It was a serious question. London knew her answer would confirm the difficult decision she’d been wrestling with after learning her husband of seven years had broken their marriage vows, committing adultery with a woman he worked with.
The couple originally sought my help to repair their broken marriage, but after three sessions, I discerned the husband was still actively involved with the woman. Not one to dance around the truth, I asked him outright during our next session. His eyes darted to and fro, and a panicked look washed over his misty face. As if someone had turned a light on in a darkened room, London squinted her eyes as the truth became clear to her.
She had inclinations that the affair wasn’t over, but it wasn’t until that coaching session that her fears were confirmed. Her husband made no apologies; he knew his game was over. So, instead of repenting and repairing the marriage, he left—not just our coaching session but also London and their kids. Now a single mother, London weighed her options. She knew she had biblical grounds to divorce her husband, as he had both committed adultery and abandonment (Matthew 5:32, I Corinthians 7:15). But what about remarriage? Was she free to remarry if the Lord should bring along a godly man?
The Purpose of Marriage
To have an accurate understanding of God’s view of divorce and remarriage, it’s important to understand the purpose of marriage. Our culture tends to invalidate or idolize marriage. A growing secular trend teaches that marriage is just “a piece of paper” or an option for those looking for financial or tax advantages, but not necessary for a flourishing family. On the other hand, many churches hold marriage as the gold standard of God’s favor and acceptance, often causing those who are unmarried to feel less than or forgotten. Neither extreme is beneficial.
As I read Scripture, however, I am awestruck at how God interweaves the meaning of marriage throughout its pages. Marriage is about more than companionship, financial stability, or raising a family. The Bible teaches the purpose of marriage is to reflect the image of God in the Earth (Genesis 1:27) and to expand His kingdom (Genesis 1:28), exemplifying the faithful, covenantal relationship Christ has with His Church (Ephesians 5:25-27, Revelation 19:7).
Marriage is important to God. It is not a throwaway relationship to be taken lightly. This is why I will not marry a couple who has not dedicated themselves to investing in premarital counseling and committing to honoring God and his principles in their marriage. Couples need to be reminded that marriage reflects Christ and His bride (the Church). How does Christ treat His bride? How should His bride treat Christ? Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate (Matthew 19:6).
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When Divorce Is Permissible
Sadly, as in the case of London’s husband, not everyone takes their marriage vows seriously or holds them up to God’s standard for marriage. To some, marriage is simply a convenient option until something, or someone, “better” comes along.
In Jesus’s day, the Pharisees, a group of religious leaders, tried to trip him up with the question of divorce. Citing Moses’s exception to the rule of marriage (Deuteronomy 24:1-4), they wanted to know what Jesus said about divorce.
Jesus’s answer should be written on the hearts of all who take the marriage vow. He went on to explain that Moses only permitted divorce because of the hardness of their hearts (Matthew 19:8). In Biblical times, women often had little to no civil rights. If a woman did not please her husband, the husband could simply “send her away” with a certificate of divorce. This was a great travesty, as most women were unable to support themselves or their children financially without the help of a man. To divorce a woman was to subject her to a hard, cruel life. The prophet Malachi goes even further to describe divorce, in these cases, as “treacherous and violent” (Malachi 2:13-16).
However, there were times when divorce was permitted. In cases of adultery (Matthew 5:32), abandonment (I Corinthians 7:15), and what most mainstream Christians believe to be abuse (Exodus 21:10-11). It is important to note that these are permissible cases for divorce, not obligatory cases. Many of us have witnessed cases where the Lord has so dramatically transformed a person’s heart that, although the hurt spouse could have legally and biblically pursued a divorce, the marriage was redeemed. It’s important that in these cases, fasting and prayer, along with godly counsel, be pursued.
Can Remarriage after Divorce Be Godly?
Every divorce is a breaking of a covenant. Every divorce is due to one or both spouses’ hardness of heart. But as Jim Newheiser writes, “While every divorce is due to human sin, not everyone who divorces sins.”
Sin can be defined as anything that we say, do, or think that displeases God. It displeases God to break covenant. However, there are times when the breaking of the covenant is beyond our control. In these cases, God makes provision for remarriage (see Matthew 19:9).
We serve a God who brings beauty from ashes, joy from mourning, and praise from despair (Isaiah 61:3). One of my clients, we’ll call her Joy, was in a terribly abusive marriage. Her husband claimed to be a Christian and would even use the Bible as a weapon (literally and figuratively) against her. Thankfully, Joy escaped that marriage, got some much-needed counseling, and eventually settled into a quiet life as a single mom of their then-six-year-old son. Eventually, Joy met and married a godly man, but just a few years into their marriage, he was unfaithful. Not wanting to be twice divorced, Joy learned about my marriage coaching. She knew she needed someone who could help her and her husband overcome the infidelity in their marriage.
Because her husband was humble and repentant, I decided to work with them. Week after week, both Joy and her husband grew as individuals, and we were all elated to see their marriage breathe new life again. Could Joy have divorced her second husband? The Bible says so, but she chose to stay and see what the Lord could do. Her remarriage is a godly testament to the God who restores, redeems, and heals all things.
The Better Question to Ask
Instead of asking “Is remarriage after divorce” a sin, I believe the better question to ask is how can God get glory out of a second marriage? How would the second marriage bear witness to His will and nature? Marriage is not easy. It will take daily sacrifice, full surrender, and continual forgiveness. This is why it should never be entered or exited lightly.
The apostle Paul warned, “Everything is permissible,” but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible,” but not everything builds up (I Corinthians 10:23). Before seeking to remarry, it’s important to ensure your heart is healed, you have fully forgiven (yourself and your spouse), and that you invite the Lord into your future. If you divorced for a biblical reason, and the Lord brings you another spouse, honor your covenant. If you did not divorce for a biblical reason, you would be wise to heed the voice of the Lord and to remain in the condition you are in (I Corinthians 7:25-39).
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Antonio Guillem
