Editor's Note: Dr. Roger Barrier went to be with the Lord on February 16th, 2024. Dr. Barrier's family is honoring his legacy by continuing the ministry of Ask Roger and preachitteachit.org for years to come as they share more than two thousand still-unpublished sermons and Ask Roger articles. All articles authored by Dr. Barrier that are published and republished are done posthumously.
Dear Roger and Julie,
My sister and I were talking about how people fall in love. I think that there are numerous choices we can make and still have a successful marriage. I know that you believe that there is only one true soulmate for every person. What do you think and why?
Sincerely, Kelly
Dear Kelly,
I don’t think that God has just one way of bringing two people together. The Bible has various examples of how He works. Roger, my husband, and I preached a sermon on this topic and we listed some humorous Bible verses about finding a mate…
“Forget eHarmony or any other online matchmaking service. If you need some tips on finding a wife, maybe these examples from the Old Testament will help.
Don’t be so picky. Grab as many wives as you can get. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit, and you’ll find someone. - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. - Any old Hebrew Guy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (1 Samuel 18:27)
Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Sons of Benjamin (Judges 21:19-25)”
Kelly, your premise that God has several possible mates for you is an interesting one. However, I think it’s beneficial to examine Bible love stories to see if there are underlying principles that guide His process.
The most obvious coupling is Adam and Eve. Although there were no options available, it was clear that God custom-made the perfect “helpmate” for Adam. He first introduced all His creatures for Adam to name. Adam clearly understood none of these would assuage his loneliness. God put His first man under general anesthesia, extracted a rib, and made a beautiful “helpmate” for Adam. The first man looked at his bride and burst into song:
“This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man. Genesis 2:23 ESV
God’s foreknowledge of your life is also clearly stated in Psalm 139:14-16
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.,
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.” NIV
If God did allow you to choose your mate, He certainly knew your choice ahead of time. I believe He created you both to uniquely complement each other.
The key to this premise is to surrender to God’s will.
A second Bible romance is found in Genesis 24.
Abraham wanted his son Isaac to have a godly Hebrew wife, unlike the pagan women who lived nearby. He commissioned his servant to find Isaac’s future bride. The servant wisely prayed to God to give him a sign. He asked God to send a young lady with a generous heart:
Genesis 29:13-14 reads:
“Lord, the daughters of the townspeople are coming out to draw water. May it be that when I say to a young woman, ‘Please let down your jar that I may have a drink,’ and she says, ‘Drink, and I’ll water your camels too’—let her be the one you have chosen for your servant Isaac. By this I will know that you have shown kindness to my master.” NIV
God brought Isaac a bride as an answer to prayer.
You must pray for God to send you the right person, and for you to recognize “the One” when He answers.
The Lord can also speak directly to you about your future spouse.
God clearly spoke to Joseph through an angel and told him to take Mary as his wife. All Joseph knew was that Mary was pregnant and that he was definitely NOT the father:
As he considered this (canceling the engagement), an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream. “Joseph, son of David,” the angel said, “do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife. For the child within her was conceived by the Holy Spirit. And she will have a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.” Matthew 1:20-21 NLT
This example illustrates the importance of looking for God’s guidance through the prompting of the Holy Spirit. He may not send an angel to point out your prospective mate, but it is the job of the Spirit to guide you to God’s will.
“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears (from God), and he will tell you what is yet to come.” John 16:13 NIV
The closest example of “love at first sight” in the Old Testament is the romance of Queen Esther and King Xerxes.
The king had his pick of beautiful women, but when he saw Esther, everything changed:
Esther was taken to King Xerxes at the royal palace in early winter of the seventh year of his reign. And the king loved Esther more than any of the other young women. He was so delighted with her that he set the royal crown on her head and declared her queen. Esther 2:16-17.
Esther had been prepared to meet the king for over a year.
The takeaway from this story is to be the kind of woman a man could love. Esther was godly, wise, humble, and gracious (not to mention she used a little perfume now and then).
My last Bible example is the story of Ruth. Ruth, the great-grandmother of Jesus, is not lauded as outwardly beautiful. She is commended for having beautiful character.
Ruth was a widow, a pagan bride from the country of Moab. Her father-in-law and her husband died suddenly. Rather than staying in her homeland, she faithfully followed her mother-in-law back to Israel. Her devotion and courage were legendary. Boaz, a kinsman of Naomi, saw Ruth gleaning in his field to provide food for her family. He loved her and eventually married her.
The love lesson of Ruth and Boaz to exhibit admirable character. Ruth was loyal, courageous, and tenacious. Boaz saw these qualities and made her his wife.
I can’t answer your question definitively, Kelly. But there are so many ways you can find a mate. Listen to God’s leadership. Be marriage material. Develop qualities of godliness, unselfishness, kindness, and purity. Don’t be in a hurry. Remember, God can bring a soulmate to you. Just keep your eyes open and listen to the Holy Spirit.
Kelly, my own love story sounds like a fairy tale.
I grew up in church but wasn’t particularly spiritual. After dating a wide assortment of teenage boys, I graduated high school without meeting my handsome prince. However, God had a soulmate ready for me even when I wasn’t looking for one.
God miraculously led me to Roger, my future husband. I won a singing competition in high school, and the head of the music department at a nearby university awarded me a full scholarship to study voice with her. She spent months working with me even before college. It was time for university to start. I even had my bags packed.
Then something remarkable happened. God spoke to my heart. He told me not to go to the school I planned but to attend a college 100 miles south of my hometown. I had not even visited the campus. My parents called the music department to see if I could audition. The head of the voice department “coincidentally” was holding auditions near me on that same day. I was immediately accepted into the music program and moved to the new school that same week.
Why did the Holy Spirit send me on a Divine Detour? Only God knew.
Soon after, I attended a small prayer meeting on campus. I gave my life fully to Christ that night. The Holy Spirit had already prepared a soulmate for me.
Roger, my future husband, was preaching at a nearby church. He needed a pianist, and I was dispatched to fill the position. I got lost on my way and arrived 30 minutes late. I burst through the back door and raced to the piano to perform the offertory. I was supposed to accompany all of the worship, but Roger had to lead the songs a cappella.
He confessed later that the moment I began to sing and play the piano, he thought, “I’m going to marry that girl.” I finished singing and sheepishly slid into my seat. As this young man preached, I was enraptured. I had a vision of me wearing a wedding dress, standing with him in front of the altar. I knew without question he was the One for me. Does it sound a little “Pentecostal” to you? Visions and voices? Roger and I joked that it was “love at first sermon.”
Neither of us could explain the mystical events of that Sunday morning. But we passionately loved, laughed, struggled, and served God together for almost half a century.
God gave me the man of my dreams when I wasn’t even looking for him.
Love, Julie
No matter how long you’ve been married, reminding yourself of fundamental marriage truths is helpful. In this episode of the Team Us Podcast, Ted and Ashleigh share four truths about marriage every couple needs to remember. If you enjoy this episode, be sure to subscribe to the show on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode - new episodes drop every Tuesday!
Photo Credit: Annette Sousa HW/Unsplash
This Ask Roger article may feature insights from Roger's wife, Dr. Julie Barrier, co-founder of Preach It, Teach It, worship minister, concert artist, and adjunct professor at Golden Gate Baptist Theological Seminary, or his daughter, Brie Barrier Wetherbee, a sought-after Bible teacher and conference speaker, author, analyst, and Christian theologian.