“Joy to the World” was always the last song of Christmas mass. Each year, after my grandmother passed, the song would fill my mom with tears. It’s such a happy and hopeful song, but for her, I knew it symbolized an ache of remembrance and brought along a sting of grief.
As the world was preparing the room for the beauty and shine of the holiday season, she was preparing for another holiday without someone she so fiercely loved. When your life is filled with a forever absence, it changes the way each holiday is filtered and experienced. I learned this cumbersome lesson when my own mother passed away.
Grief is complex. It creates empty spaces. It creates delicate hearts. It creates fragile emotions and complicated perspectives.
The vibrant sparkle of lights and the hustle and bustle of the holidays can sometimes mask the emptiness and ache of those who have lost someone they love. As the world smiles, and sings, and rejoices, some hearts are hurting with a magnitude that cannot be fully understood until you experience loss for yourself.
As you find yourself surrounded by those with hurting hearts this holiday season, here are some insights to carefully ensure they feel loved, seen, and surrounded by grace.
Grief will accompany them wherever they are invited.
Once you lose someone important in your life, you gain a new companion– grief. This means grieving individuals will be carrying their grief with them into each holiday event this season. It means they will be hoping both will be welcome at the table and surrounding the tree. It means they hope you welcome their light as much as their sorrow because the two are now delicately braided together. Be gentle with your “Happy Holidays” and your “Merry Christmas’,” for some things won’t feel as “happy” or as “merry” as they once were– and that’s ok.
A scripture that reminds us to approach and welcome others with patience and gentleness:
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." - Ephesians 4:2
As traditions change, our hearts do too.
With loss often comes a newfound responsibility and a new hierarchy of the family. A new tradition keeper and tradition maker. This often creates an ache, a longing, and a heavy weight of duty. While trying to fill shoes that will forever seem unfillable, their hearts are tender and have been chiseled by the pain that comes with losing someone you love. This pain doesn’t diminish with time, for it stays always and while it becomes easier to carry and laced with more reminiscence than excruciating agony, the holidays seem to shine a spotlight on the missing pieces and the missing people. Be gentle as you work through changes that, to some, might feel like an abandonment for all that once was and now can never be.
Scripture that provides the assurance that God sees the broken hearts of us, or those around us, offering love and healing to all:
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." - Psalm 147:3
If we cry, it’s a beautiful thing.
Tears are not only for pain and anguish. Tears are for love and remembrance, too. Please don’t worry about mentioning a loved one's name for fear it might result in crying. Say their names. Tell their stories. Do not let death lessen their influence and their memory. Tears can be a beautiful thing– a sign of honor. A sign of love. A sign that we were blessed with someone so special it has changed our entire lives. Tears are a sign that even through death, love is present tense– always.
Scripture reminds us that crying and mourning are natural pieces of the human experience, just as welcome as laughter and joy:
"A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." - Ecclesiastes 3:4
Grief & gratitude coexist, as do joy and sorrow.
Do not let someone’s grief have you assuming their pain overshadows their gratitude. They hold both, always. Grateful for what they had and what still remains. While also grieving for all they’ve lost, both someone special and all the experiences that cannot and will not ever be. Do not let visible pain and anguish allow you to forget the invisible appreciation they carry. It may not be on display or easily noticed, but it is there. I promise. Once grief enters your life, you become the holder of contradicting emotions. You learn things are always both— a mixture of complexities.
The scripture that serves as a bold declaration of God’s desire to turn grief into joy:
"To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." - Isaiah 61:3
Kindness and grace are the best gifts.
When you don’t have the words and when you’re unsure of how to best support someone who is grieving, the answer is probably more simple than you’d imagine: grace and kindness. Nothing can cure the ache in their soul. Nothing can diminish the loss or reverse the reality that they are forced to comprehend. The biggest relief you can provide is the freedom to choose which events and spaces are a fit for them in this season of heartbreak and mourning. Surrounding them with a comforting, authentic, and compassionate spirit is the timeless gift they want this season. They want to be loved, not fixed. The gifts they want are not costly or in need of fancy bows or ribbons, for they are simply patience, grace, and compassion.
Scripture that reminds us of God’s abundant grace and compassion, which we should easily offer to others:
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." - 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4
This holiday season let’s be a compassionate space for those who are hurting. May we wrap them in love, comfort, and the space to bring both their grief and their joy– both welcome, always.
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Maryviolet
