On May 14, 2020, I was called to my father’s nursing home because he had COVID, and the nurse said he was laboring in his breathing. When I got there, I found him confused and writhing in tremendous pain while he waited for pain medication. All I could say was, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, please help him.” Then a nurse came in with a look of war-zone shock and handed me a card with the Lord’s prayer on it. I had no idea where he stood with the Lord, even though we had many discussions about Him. But as soon as I started reading the prayer, he stopped moving and mouthed the prayer along with me. When we were done, he started suffering again. God gave him a moment of respite and connection at the most horrible time of his life. He died several hours later.
My six siblings and I processed the grief of his passing in very different ways. Being the only Jesus-follower in my family, my pain was not that he was gone but that I didn’t know if God had taken him home. I had no right to question or judge his salvation, but I never knew whether Jesus was his savior, which haunted me. My other siblings worked through their grief with agony over missing their Dad, peace that he was no longer suffering, and for one sibling, there was relief that she no longer had to worry about taking care of him.
First, we need to know the difference between grief and lament. According to Merriam-Webster, to grieve is to “cause to suffer distress,” while lament is to “mourn aloud, or wail.” Does the Bible allow one over the other? If we grieve quietly, is it more holy?
If you search for the words “grieve” and “grieved” and how many times they occur in the Bible in various translations, you will find nearly 150 references. Search for “lament,” and you will find about 75 times—there is an entire book called Lamentations.
Clearly, there are many instances of people suffering deeply. And no wonder since Jesus promised us that we would have trouble in this world. But He also said in His Sermon on the Mount that “blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4).
Not only do we have a direct affirmation that grieving is okay with God. We also have a promise that God will do something about it. There is no need to add condemnation on top of grief. God sees, knows, understands, and comforts.
There are countless examples of people in the Bible who had significant grief in the Bible. When grieving, I’m drawn to those who suffered more than most.
First, I can relate to Job and how painful it was to lose his children, possessions, and health. I can also track with how it must have been to question God and then repent in sackcloth and ashes. God’s response to Job’s line of questioning may sound harsh to us, and scholars debate whether it truly sounds harsh in context. But even if God was criticizing Job for questioning Him, the Bible makes it clear that God doesn’t criticize Job’s lament. I’m encouraged to see the immensity of God’s mercy in His allowing Job to express his pain and give Job back twice what he lost.
Even more, I think that Jesus is our greatest example of lament and what to do with it. In the Garden of Gethsemane, as Jesus set his face toward the physical, mental, and spiritual torment that His Father was opening before Him, He was so viscerally upset that He sweat blood.
Here too, God does not hold Jesus accountable for his gut-wrenching grief. On this side of heaven, we can’t know what God told or showed Him in those last moments, but we know that while Jesus could have given in to Satan, He didn’t. He could have walked away from the plan of sacrificing Himself for our sins. Instead, He said, “Not my will, but Yours be done” (Luke 22:42).
God makes it clear in the Bible that it’s okay to grieve. While we can fight, bargain, be sad or angry, all of us should pray for the strength to say, “It’s up to you, God. Do what you will in my life.”
Annette Griffin reminds us that grief is long but not indefinite. God will bring an end to our pain and suffering in His perfect timing.
While we wait, we can cry out to our Savior as He” cried out to His Father. We can mourn as Jesus did for his friend Lazarus who died. We can stand at the foot of the cross and cry over our loss, knowing that our spirits will be resurrected, and one day, grief will turn to memories of God’s sustaining grace.
When we are grieving, it’s hard to remember anything, much less how to be comforted by the word of God. Here are five simple instructions from God’s word: trust in His love, come and find rest, remember all He has done, stay in His word, and thank Him for the millions of blessings He provides each day.
1. Trust: “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
2. Come: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
3. Remember: “God parted the Red Sea and led them through it. He made the water stand up like a wall. He guided them with the cloud during the day. He led them with the light of a fire all night long. He broke the rocks open in the desert. He gave them as much water as there is in the oceans.” (Psalm 78:13-15)
4. Read: “Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation.” (Psalm 25:5)
5. Thank: “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:18)
1. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)
2. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)
3. “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” (Psalm 73:26)
4. “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. . .” (Isaiah 43:2-3)
5. “The God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” (1 Peter 5:10)
Despite the pain and suffering that causes our grief, we can grow closer to God or allow it to drive a wedge between us. I can say honestly that I have done both, and there is nothing but more grief the further away from God I wander in my pain. But with my Abba Father, “there is fullness of joy” and constant reminders that He understands and loves me. He gets all the glory when I can run to Him with my grief and be reminded that He is working all things for good.
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Mary Oelerich-Meyer is a Chicago-area freelance writer and copy editor who prayed for years for a way to write about and for the Lord. She spent 20 years writing for area healthcare organizations, interviewing doctors and clinical professionals and writing more than 1,500 articles in addition to marketing collateral materials. Important work, but not what she felt called to do. She is grateful for any opportunity to share the Lord in her writing and editing, believing that life is too short to write about anything else. Previously she served as Marketing Communications Director for a large healthcare system. She holds a B.A. in International Business and Marketing from Cornell College (the original Cornell!) When not researching or writing, she loves to spend time with her writer daughter, granddaughter, rescue doggie and husband (not always in that order).
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