The Bible explores real life with all of its many powerful, often painful emotions. One of these is grief. How does the Bible portray grief? Where do we see it? And how does Scripture teach us to deal with grief?
Three Biblical Portrayals of Grief
We grieve over the death of a loved one or say goodbye to our grown children when they leave home. We grieve over violence committed against ourselves and our loved ones and violence against our communities.
Tamar grieved her sexual abuse. Mordecai and the Jews of Persia grieved their future suffering when Haman plotted to destroy them. Paul’s friends grieved as he left them because they knew they would not see him again (Acts 20).
Christ grieved the death of John, his cousin, and also at the death of Lazarus and the pain his sisters endured, even though he would raise Lazarus from the dead.
Sometimes, Scripture’s portrayal of grief is filled with despair; other times, God’s Word allows us to find hope amidst the tears.
No one came to Tamar’s aid; the situation appeared hopeless, “Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the long robe that she wore. And she laid her hand on her head and went away, crying aloud as she went” (2 Samuel 13:18-19).
The conclusion of her story leaves us wondering if she was ever able to find hope and courage, although we learn that “Tamar lived, a desolate woman, in her brother Absalom's house” (2 Samuel 13:20).
The victim was punished; no one gave her permission to grieve in a healthy and restorative way. The Lord had put a measure in place to protect a violated woman: Deuteronomy 22:28-29 says that Amnon should have married Tamar, as she had begged him to do.
Instead, he rejected and hated her. As for comfort, wrote Glen Scrivener, all she was fed was a “false peace” from her brother Absalom and silence from their father.
Job lost his children, his health, and all he possessed. He wondered if God was still good now that his life was in shambles. Surely bad things happened to bad people, not to one who “was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil”? (Job 1:1).
Job angrily presented his grief to the Lord. The Message has Job crying out, “I’m not letting up — I’m standing my ground. My complaint is legitimate. God has no right to treat me like this — it isn’t fair!” (Job 23:1-7).
Scripture depicts grief in all of its mess, but despair and anger are only two possible responses. After John was beheaded, Jesus “withdrew [...] to a desolate place by himself” (Matthew 14:13). Jesus’ heart was full — John was his cousin, after all, and a faithful believer that Jesus was the Christ.
The Messiah spoke of John thus: “Truly, I say to you, among those born of women there has arisen no one greater than John the Baptist” (Matthew 11:11).
In his grief, Jesus immediately sought to be alone — with the Father, we might reasonably assume, because frequently, “he would withdraw to desolate places and pray” (Luke 5:16). His first impulse was always towards prayer, the Father’s peace, love, hope, and comfort.
Anger and despair are understandable phases of grief, but God does not intend for us to stay angry or hopeless. Ongoing anger turns to bitterness and distortion. It separates people from God as they become judgmental and negative, isolated, and hurtful.
Despair is no better when one no longer believes that God is good, that God has a plan, and that He is Sovereign.
An angry person sees other people as inferior, forgetting that we are all made in the Image of God. The despairing person forgets that she is not identified as a “victim” but as one made in that same Image.
How the Bible Teaches Us to Deal with Grief
Here are just four points that emerge from an exploration of the three scenarios above: choose your confidante wisely; seek out God; be honest with the Lord; let your grief lead to transformation.
1. Choose a safe person to share your feelings with. What did Absalom say to Tamar? “Now, my dear sister, let’s keep it quiet — a family matter. He is, after all, your brother. Don’t take this so hard” (2 Samuel 13:20, The Message).
Tamar might not have had as many choices as women do today, but if Absalom had been empathetic and trustworthy, his supportive and wise response might have helped Tamar to regain her sense of personhood, albeit slowly.
In time, if Absalom had dealt with Amnon using the godly resources available to him, Tamar might have felt safe, loved, and seen. Choose empathetic but truthful people who will also stand up for justice and walk beside you.
A fixer might focus on what to do instead of hearing how you feel and offering comfort. A husband might decide his pride was the true victim and seek revenge, increasing his wife’s grief and distress with additional violence and selfishness.
There are those whose response becomes a crisis, sucking much-needed support away from the one who is truly grieving. Empathetic people will share the grief, but they will address their own needs without burdening the grieving party they desire to help.
2. Turn to God first because he is trustworthy. Jesus walked with God and talked with him every day. It was natural for him to turn to the Father both in happy times and when he grieved. The Father cries with us.
Give him your grief as an offering, and he will reward that trust, that faith, with his closeness. It is far better to entrust it to him because, though “darkness shall cover the earth, and thick darkness the peoples; [ …] the Lord will arise upon you, and his glory will be seen upon you” (Isaiah 60:2).
The objective is not to push down or cover up those feelings of loss but to experience the exquisite joy of having our Savior walk with us through the heartbreak, the sorrow, and the pain.
3. The Psalmists frequently cry out to God, asking “why” and “when” their pain will be over. “I plead for mercy to the LORD. I pour out my complaint before him; I tell my trouble before him” (Psalm 142:1-2).
Job questioned the Lord after suffering staggering loss: “I cry to you for help, and you do not answer me; I stand, and you only look at me” (Job 30:20).
God responded with rebuke because Job’s pride caused him to forget who God was, but we know from the outcome that he favored Job because of his faith.
Jesus said, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). He declared, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4).
The word “mourn” indicates an outward expression of an emotion “so severe it takes possession of a person and cannot be hid.”
Jesus encourages those who are crying out in their grief to direct their mourning to the only one who provides reliable and lasting comfort.
4. The Lord’s transforming work on the hearts and minds of sinners who love him always leads to peace with him.
Why else would we feel safe telling him how we feel (which he knows already) when we are angry with him or confused? Job learned that his pride had clouded his view of the Almighty and distorted his perspective.
John Bloom explained: “God designed your emotions to be gauges, not guides. They’re meant to report to you, not dictate you. The pattern of your emotions [...] will give you a reading on where your hope is because they are wired into what you believe and value.”
God demanded, “Will you condemn me that you may be in the right?” (Job 40:8). Job’s heart was humbled to realize that God “can do all things, and that no purpose of [his] can be thwarted” (42:2).
The Lord made his Sovereign position clear and put Job in his place. But he also honored Job’s honesty and his faith. What we believe about God is often revealed in how we handle grief.
Do we turn to God or turn against him? Do we listen to him or listen to worldly voices? Does our own experience of grief make us more effective comforters for others when they, in turn, suffer grief?
The Power of Christian Grief
No one will gain comfort from a testimony in which a Christian suffered terrible loss but was so stoic as to be unmoved. What the world needs to see is honest grieving, which finds hope and purpose in the resurrected Jesus.
Nothing more effectively points to the risen Christ than the picture of a life that seemed destroyed by loss, out of which hope was resurrected.
Life after loss will feature scars, just as Christ did when he returned to the disciples after the crucifixion, but those scars demonstrate that the world cannot destroy us. “The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth” (Psalm 145:18).
For further reading:
What Does it Look Like to Deal with Grief?
How Should a Christian Respond to Grief?
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