I am a Mama who has been through the heartache of worrying my daughter would take her life due to the mean words that peers spoke over her and the physical and emotional bullying that she endured. I felt so alone in my journey, and I drudged through the pain to try to figure out the next steps to take for our daughter and family. Behind the Hidden Doors: Bullying, Hope and Identity will lessen some of the blow for you and save you from some of the heartache we went through by creating an easy-to-follow bridge and guide for your child and you, the parent, guardian, caregiver, or community. One that would support you as you find healing, hope, and identity and as you unlock the doors of bullying and walk in redemption—not only for your child but also for your heart. The chapters in this book lay out the next right action steps to take in helping a child find hope and identity again on the other side of bullying. In addition, it is intertwined with my daughter’s stories of being bullied and the healing journey I took as a Mama. Ultimately, it will help the child being bullied and her family feel seen, heard, and valued as they navigate the healing journey that they have embarked on together to find hope and identity as a SURVIVOR not a victim. It will give both the survivor and their family a voice, a path forward, and a deep understanding that they are not alone in this battle. They will overcome this together and emerge stronger and more empowered on the other side.
As your personal guide in this book, I walk with you through several doors and shine the light into each room of your child’s bullying story (at home, school, and counseling office). Just like a museum or foreign country’s guide, I lead the way, share important information to get you through safely, encourage you to ask more questions, reveal things that only a local or professional guide would know (as a fellow parent of a bullying survivor), and take your hand when it gets hard or dark. You are not meant to do this alone! Before you officially walk through each door, I will prepare you for what you might experience when you enter. I want you to come out victorious for your child, to help her gain back her hope, worth, and identity and to not just survive but thrive!
“Bullying happens in all shapes and forms. It knows no boundaries when it comes to gender, race, personality, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, or IQ level. No school is exempt! It happens in public, private, magnet, academy, charter, secular, and parochial schools. As long as free will exists, bullying will happen. In 2023, nearly one out of five students reported being bullied. That is almost 20 percent of students! In the South, in 2023, that was over 8.5 million students ages twelve to eighteen. And that stat only reflects the students who shared they had been bullied. Research and my professional and personal experience show there are even more students who are not divulging to anyone they have been bullied, especially students who are scared of repercussions or revenge brought upon them by the child who is bullying if that information is disclosed. I am not condoning this at all; I am merely bringing to light the nature of the beast. Know my professional and mama heart here. I have taught for more than fourteen years now and have been a strong advocate for stopping this problem in its tracks.
As Dr. Sally Kuykendall says, “Bullying is when one or more persons with power repeatedly abuse a person with lesser power for the purpose of causing harm, distress, or fear.” To be considered bullying, the act must contain the following:
Purposeful action.
Malicious intent (hurt, embarrassment, humiliation, or intimidation).
Repetition (but it doesn’t always have to be the same action).
Imbalance of power between the victim and bully, where the bully has greater power.”
These are four distinct characteristics that sound easy to spot, but adults are not always attuned to bullying that may be going on in the schools because they don’t walk the halls and into the classroom with their child. “However, as a child enters her home, she feels safe and lets her guard down as the home becomes her safety zone. She knows she is loved and will not be judged for immature responses to the world around her. Emotions are complicated though. Often, the action and emotion adults see on the surface is only a piece of what is really occurring underneath the visible emotional puzzle; the emotion iceberg. Just like a real iceberg, adults can only see the tip of what is going on, and most of what is unfolding is hidden below the water. Since children are still growing and their brains are still developing, the emotion that initially comes out sometimes isn’t even the emotion they truly feel. This emotional overload that happens inside a child is an internal tornado. Children’s brains can easily go into fight, flight, or freeze mode.”
We are now going to get a glimpse inside a child’s mind. Please remember, this is a delicate space, so tiptoe as you go along, and do not touch anything right now. Some things you see in this room have been kept secret for many reasons:
As you tiptoe into the child’s mind, you might feel taken out at your knees by the swirling exclamatory sentences. You duck to save your footing, but you can’t help but notice the bright, bold, red words that keep coming at you. It’s as if they are on fire. No one likes me! Everyone hates me! I am the worst. No one wants to be my friend. No one will play with me. I’m the worst person in the world! I wish I wasn’t alive! This is anger. Your child is angry with how she is being treated at school. She is shaming herself because of all the untruths the child who is bullying her is saying. Internally, your sweet child has lost her innocence. The child who is bullying is robbing her of the truths you’ve helped to lay as a foundation, and that person has filled her head with toxic lies. She is struggling to see her worth and identity because she is being torn down emotionally, mentally, or even physically.
As you trek, all of the red disappears, and now the room is bathed in ultraviolet light. Ideas are flying all over the place, like a whirlwind, but they are not landing. Instead, they are colliding as they fly around. This is shame. I am dumb. I am ugly. I am unlovable. I am unseen. I am weak. I am useless. I am unlikable. As this internal monologue swirls, a big, bold warning sign brightens the room. “Just don’t share anything! Don’t tell anyone what’s happening! No one will believe you!” A whisper comes across: Shh, keep this to yourself this is not safe to share. You are the reason this is happening. Even your parents won’t believe you. Keep this to yourself.
A blue-gray hue now engulfs the room. It is a thick haze that takes over. This is sadness. Images start flashing through her mind. Today’s bullying experience is taking over her thoughts. Flashback feelings of her pain and sadness exist on replay. The mean words leave wounds in her mind, like scratches on her brain. The emotional bullying is playing Tug of War with her emotions. The physical wound aches. Questions saunter through her mind: Why is she so mean to me? Why does she hate me? Why won’t she leave me alone? Why me? Then the flood comes; the tears cannot stop falling.
The room immediately shifts to a dark gray color. She has buried herself in a pillow, and her mind is almost numb. It does not know what direction to go now. What to think at all. Her mind is tired of going back and forth. In the distance, a quiet voice enters: “Time to eat. Dinner is ready.” The gray lingers, and the words fall to the ground. She is feeling detachment from the present and from her emotions. Food sounds gross, unappetizing.
Thankfully, this time, the room lightens to a brighter gray. With the bit of energy she has left, she mouths the words, I am not hungry. Then the room fades off into a dark gray cloud once again.
After what seems like hours (but is only minutes), the room lightens again. Images of her family fill the room. They appear to be eating dinner. You see her plate float into the room. All of the food is blurry. She is still feeling detached. Parts of phrases blow through the room, but they are jumbled. Her family is speaking to her, but she does not understand anything they say. She is numb, not present.
The room turns eerily black. Fearful dreams are flashing throughout the room. The child who is bullying is shoving her down. Insults pierce her side. Friends walk away from her on the playground. She is alone on the swings. No one is in sight. The recess teacher points a finger at her. “This is all your fault! You bring this on yourself!”
A bright orange light shines through the room. Your eyes burn. This is anxiety. Nightmares flash through the room once more, and she is anxious about the next day at school. The room has a clashing sound ringing through it. This is all the noise that fills her head as she frets about the what-ifs that may happen in the upcoming day. She’s going to be mean again! She’s going to make me feel bad. My friends are not going to play with me. I am going to be all alone. A loud heartbeat blares in the room. It is her racing heart as she thinks of the unknowns and worries about the nightmares becoming real.
A mirrored reflection shines into the room; it is her image in the mirror. She has cuts and bruises. Those are the hurts the child who is bullying or children who are bullying have placed in her mind and possibly on her body. Her face is downcast, tear-stained, and scarred. She looks for hope in the shadow of the mirror. That is you! She is looking for your hand and a piece of your heart to help her get through.
“Kids are not resilient! Instead, just like adults, kids are human. Children have breaking points. This precious child has hit her breaking point head-on! Her head is being filled with negative thoughts and false “I am” statements.” Your child needs your hand, your heart, and your mind to help guide her to reclaiming hope, identity, and freedom as a SURVIVOR not a victim of bullying.
Now is the time to pick up this book and start shining a light through one door at a time towards your child’s healing journey. Your child, with your help, gets to choose to rise from the ashes and live in the truth of who she is, walk in freedom, and not let the past define and dictate who she is in the present and future! It’s time to take back what is rightfully your child’s: her true value, her worth, and her identity!
Behind Hidden Doors: https://www.amazon.com/Behind-Hidden-Doors-Bullying-Identity-ebook/dp/B0DKFWNX6T
This excerpt is from Behind the Hidden Doors and is used for illustrative purposes only. We do not own this content. All rights to the original work are retained by the copyright holder.
Photo Credit: ©Getty/AlexLinch
She is mostly known for her gift of mercy, helping all who meet her feel seen, heard, and valued. With a passion for empowering women and children to walk in freedom, she dedicates herself through her vlog, books, Freedom Diaries Podcast, speaking, and community engagements and events to help them reclaim hope, identity, and joy. Connect with Rachel on her website and Instagram.