"Don't apologize for existing. I'm thankful you are here — I need you," is what my friend told me a few weeks ago. I had been struggling with a bout of depression and was once again apologizing for simply existing.
This isn't something new as it is something I have been struggling with for a long time. I feel chronically bad for being in someone's presence, walking the earth, or just sharing my thoughts. I always feel others would be happier if I wasn't here.
Maybe you have also felt the same way, or you know someone who struggles with these thoughts. Whether you struggle with negative thoughts telling you to apologize for existing, know that I'm glad you are here, and God has a special plan for your life, even if you can't see it right now.
Self-Doubt and Depression
When it comes to mental health, it is important to be aware of others’ feelings. You never know what a person may be going through. They could be doing alright, but they could also be on the brink.
Sadly, most doctors don't take mental health seriously until a person is at rock bottom. If you struggle with a mental illness, unfortunately, you cannot count on a doctor to help you with all of your issues.
While they can be extremely helpful, they cannot provide everything you need in your mental health struggles.
I go to doctors and therapists and talk with others about my struggles; however, I have always had the reoccurring thought that everyone would be better off if I never existed. This is why I am so prone to say "sorry" for no reason or apologize for just existing.
The truth is that when I say "sorry," it means I'm sorry for even existing or bothering someone. I can't pinpoint exactly when these thoughts started; however, they have been around for at least a decade. If you feel the same way, know that you are not alone in this struggle.
Feeling sorry for simply existing can be a heavy burden on anyone's back. Instead of feeling like you belong or others are happy to see you, you fear people only pity you or show up to be nice. I don't know how many times I have been with friends and felt sorry for even ruining their day.
I would think to myself, "They would be so much happier if I wasn't here," or "They would have a better time if I wasn't here." These negative thoughts didn't stop with my friends as I also believed the same things concerning my family.
Stop Apologizing
I'm probably the least qualified person to talk about positivity because it's hard for me to believe in anything myself, but I want you to know that you don't need to apologize for existing. There is no reason for you to apologize for existing.
You are a wonderful creation of God, and He loves you dearly. He created you uniquely and loves you unconditionally.
Even before you were born, God knew you and He had a wonderful plan for your life — a plan that only you can do. Maybe you've tried many things and messed up, but God still has a great plan for your life.
If you struggle with depression or other mental health issues, as I do, I understand it can be hard to feel positive about yourself or to feel as though anyone loves or cares about you. What my friend told me, I tell you, "Don't apologize for existing. I'm thankful you are here — I need you."
Not only am I thankful you are here, but so is God and the family of believers. You are needed, cared about, and loved beyond measure.
We are all thankful you are here and that God placed you on this earth. You are not a mistake. You were created with purpose, and God will fulfill His plan for you in your life.
Moving Forward
While I cannot say things will automatically get easier, I can say that God will help you every step of the way. Each time you have negative thoughts, such as apologizing for existing, remind yourself of what God says. Pick a Bible verse that connects with you and commit to memorizing it.
Once you have it memorized, you will be able to turn to it whenever the negative thoughts start showing up. Replace the lies of Satan with the truth of God's Word. You are worthy, you are loved, and your life has great purpose.
It is also important to turn to God in these times and pour your heart out to Him. It is unfortunate that many of us neglect to even bring our worries, fears, and concerns to God when He is the one who can truly help us.
No matter how bad things get or how strong your negative thoughts become, turn to God. You don't have to be "perfect" in your prayers or recite words exactly as you had planned. God wants your emotions, and He wants you to be raw and genuine in your words.
He doesn't expect us to be "perfect" because none of us are perfect. We are all fallen, sinful, flawed human beings, but the good news is we have our perfect, loving, and merciful God, who is always there for us.
Seeking Out Further Help
The combined practice of talking back to the negative thoughts, replacing the negative thoughts with God's Word, and praying to God might help to a great extent; however, there also might be a need for medication management and therapy.
As someone who is on medication and goes to therapy, I can say that there is nothing unbiblical about doing either of these things. God wants us to take care of our health and part of this is our mental health.
Sometimes the only thing we can do to help our mental health might be to take antidepressants and choose to go to therapy each week. There is nothing to be ashamed of for seeking out further help.
Medication management and therapy are taboo subjects in the Christian sphere, but they shouldn't be. Medications can help correct any imbalance in your brain as well as it can help release more serotonin in your brain if your brain needs it.
Therapy helps in the sense that it provides you with practical tools and coping mechanisms to institute when you are struggling with these thoughts. Therapy can also help you talk about your problems and get deep issues off your chest.
If this sounds like something that could help you, try talking with your primary care physician and ask about an anxiety and depression screening at your next appointment. You can ask if they have any recommendations for therapists, or you could research therapists on your own.
At the end of the day, God doesn't want you to feel sorry for existing because He created you, and He loves you for just being you. Even if others have made you feel bad for existing, know that God doesn't feel this way.
He loves you, and nothing can separate you from His love. If you find you can't manage these negative thoughts on your own, reach out to your doctor or try to find a therapist that treats your struggle.
Pray ahead of time and ask God to lead you to the right person. You were placed on this earth for a reason, and God is so thankful He created you.
For further reading:
If a Christian Dies by Suicide, Will They Be in Heaven?
Is God with Us in Our Depression?
Why Do We Not Feel ‘Good Enough’?
3 Things to Remember When You Can’t ‘Not Be Anxious’
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