Modern shows, movies, and books all depict the situation—a couple waking up in the same bed, eating in the same kitchen, and returning from work to the same home. A scene might be thrown in that shows the buzz of activity as moving trucks arrive and the two begin unboxing their possessions, excited to take a new step in their life together.
The image can be so idyllic that you may not catch what might be missing. Writers and directors may want it that way or be far too used to a cultural norm. Regardless, what’s often cut out of the picture is marriage—the binding legal and spiritual commitment that, for almost everyone, was the step that sealed the deal for so many other steps to take place. Marriage was what you did so you could live together, sleep together, and start a family together (though this is certainly not a complete list).
Living together before marriage, or cohabiting, is an increasingly popular option among couples regardless of faith background. Pew Research findings reveal a definite trend that differs from generations past:
“The share of U.S. adults who are currently married has declined modestly in recent decades, from 58% in 1995 to 53% today. Over the same period, the share of adults who are living with an unmarried partner has risen from 3% to 7%. While the share who are currently cohabiting remains far smaller than the share who are married, the share of adults ages 18 to 44 who have ever lived with an unmarried partner (59%) has surpassed the share who has ever been married (50%.)”
The culture is clearly heading one way when it comes to cohabitation. But what does the Bible have to say?
The Bible paints a beautiful picture of what marriage is and should be—both the Old and New Testaments contain detailed descriptions and commands.
We also find pictures of what romantic relationships shouldn’t be. The most frequently used Biblical term for this divergence from God’s plan is “sexual immorality.” Living together before marriage is not as explicitly mentioned in the Scriptures. Still, when one more closely studies the Bible’s views on marriage and sex ethic, one sees the Bible describes them as essentially the same.
In “Christians and Cohabitation: What You Need to Know,” author Hope Bolinger describes the connection to cohabitation and Biblical marriage:
“In biblical times, after a man asked his bride to marry him, he would immediately start work on building an apartment as an addition to his father’s house. Only his father had the authority to declare when the apartment his son was building was finished.
The bride would wait and wait until her groom came back, which could have been at any time of day or night. As soon as the apartment was finished, he would whisk her away to the new home that he had built for their new life together. The wedding celebration would start immediately after finishing this momentous project—not one second before.”
The implication is that joining homes and living as one before marriage lands square in the category of sexual immorality. If so, there “must not even be a hint” among Christians (Ephesians 5:3).
We’re told that our physical bodies are not designed for such things (1 Corinthians 6:13)—more specifically, that sexual immorality is unique in that it is a sin against, rather than outside, one’s body (1 Corinthians 6:18). It is listed as an “act of the flesh”—along with things like idolatry, witchcraft, and fits of rage—that work in direct opposition to the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:16-21).
In a stunningly sobering warning, Jude 1:7 states that the sexually immoral “serve as an example of those who suffer the punishment of eternal fire.”
The simplest Scriptural warning regarding sexual immorality—and by extension, living together before marriage—is “Don’t do it!” But God never denies us something without having a good reason for doing so. Here are three implications of living together that serve as a warning in the Scriptures:
1. It’s not God’s original design. The first couple recorded in Scripture belonged exclusively to each other—their act of becoming “one flesh” set the tone for all marriages for all time. This was God’s intent.
2. It exploits some of the key benefits of marriage. Marriage involves not only the union of bodies but the sharing of one’s whole life and the willingness to adjust to the other’s needs, regardless of personal desire or preference. This deep, binding commitment requires vulnerability beyond the bedroom. In his sermon “Love and Lust,” which compares consumer romantic relationships to covenant relationships, Tim Keller says of premarital sex, “You’re asking someone to do with their body what they’re not doing with their [whole] life.”
3. Anything less than God’s design for relationships is inferior. God does not leave room for plans that do not include Him or His blessings.
Some of these consequences will be alluded to later in this article. However, here is a short list of possible consequences that come with living together before marriage:
- Delayed marriage/lack of commitment
- Growing insecurity about the relationship due to the aforementioned lack of commitment
- A commitment based on pressure and circumstances rather than love and respect
- Pregnancy out of wedlock
- Painful breakup after having merged lives in an intimate way
- Perpetuation of misinformation about the importance and beauty of marriage
Some would argue that living together before marriage is a normal step that doesn’t warrant a lot of uproar or critique. But the concept of living together as an unmarried couple is wholly unlike, say, having a roommate. With the co-mingling of homes comes the co-mingling of possessions, finances, etc.—and it inevitably becomes difficult, in such close quarters, to remain sexually pure.
Here are some common defenses—and answers—to this type of arrangement.
“We’re going to get married soon anyway.”
This is the couple for whom marriage is already on the horizon. The implication is that it’s only a matter of time before their cohabiting becomes acceptable, and the intent to marry is there, so what’s the harm?
Simply put, the harm comes from seeking to enjoy the benefits of a binding commitment before that binding commitment is made. I can intend to become a doctor after completing my M.D., but no one would let me perform their surgery or deliver their baby while I am still a student. In other words, my aspirations for the future still do not negate where I am in the present, and I remain incapable of fulfilling my future goal as things currently stand. Capitalizing upon marriage’s exclusive benefits before marriage, arguing that you will eventually marry doesn’t quite cut it.
“Marriage is just a piece of paper. Why do I need marriage to prove how I feel?”
What about those for whom marriage is not all that enticing of a reward? While some are moving toward marriage, others might dismiss marriage as an unnecessary piece of paper for a healthy and happy romantic relationship. Indeed, in the times we live in, many unmarried couples live together and seem quite happy and unfettered.
According to this argument, marriage might be considered a hassle, inconvenience, or old-fashioned notion. Some may even fear marriage (the word for this is gamophobia). What if they say yes to someone only to “lose feelings” down the road? This, of course, goes against the beautiful picture the Lord has for marriage. In “Love and Lust,” Tim Keller says of relationships that place sex and cohabitation before marriage, “You’re asking someone to do with their body what they’re not doing with their whole life”—offering complete vulnerability and openness in one area but not others.
Keller also argues that “when you make a binding commitment despite your feelings, deeper feelings grow.” In other words, the very act of legally and spiritually committing yourself to another person produces the feelings of adoration that some think are squashed by marriage.
“This will help us gauge compatibility.”
Let’s be frank. Marriage is a major commitment, one that’s meant to last a lifetime. It’s not meant to be entered into flippantly. Those surrounded by healthy marriages know this, as do those who have witnessed divorce or been divorced. No one wants to “get it wrong.” To that end, countless books and articles have been written in recent years on compatibility—various complementary factors and similarities that, in the right combination, ensure some measure of relationship success. (Do we have similar hobbies? Are we introverted or extroverted?)
Sex being an intense experience, many will argue that sexual compatibility is crucial in a relationship and that “testing it out” by sleeping together is a selfless step to help both parties avoid long-term heartache. So, too, is the step of moving in together—that way, the argument goes, couples can witness each other’s lifestyles and habits up close to decide best if they’re a good marriage match.
This argument, while well-meaning, is still flawed. Ample research shows that those who live together before marriage exhibit many negative outcomes—such as a higher divorce rate, greater negative communication, lower marital satisfaction levels, and a greater likelihood of infidelity. Some may argue that this is due to incompatibility and irreconcilable differences. Yet further research reveals both men and women who cohabit suffer from higher levels of abandonment anxiety, generalized anxiety, and depression. The data suggests that it’s not an issue with the relationship; rather the cohabitation setup seems to cause extreme insecurity and doubt. Without marriage, living together is not a safe haven, a reliable test, or a wise emotional investment.
“We love each other so much that we couldn’t wait.”
This reply is less of an argument and more of an impassioned statement. The implication here is one borrowed from romantic novels, movies, and songs peddled to Christians and non-Christians alike—the idea that romantic love is a force too strong to combat with reason or responsibility. For some, this facet of romance seems to make it all the more enjoyable—the wildness and unpredictability of it all. Scripture tells us that romantic love is “as strong as death” (Song of Solomon 8:6) but uses that fact as a cause for caution.
Elsewhere in Song of Solomon, the woman who is one-half of the couple urges her single friends to “not arouse or awaken love until it so pleases” (Song of Solomon 2:7). This would suggest that as wonderful as romance is, it comes in degrees and there is an appropriate time for each one. It is not something to be awakened lightly or prematurely. No doubt she says this even in the throes of her own romance, as we can see in the rest of the book, and thus is a reliable source.
It can be difficult to unlearn this cultural understanding of romantic love. It can be difficult not to fawn over the idea of a romantic partner urging you to compromise your values or rush a timeline because of your burning passion for one another. Yet it is clear from the Scriptures that anything of the kind is against God’s will.
Can you love your romantic partner even if you are not married? Absolutely! But let that passion and love drive you toward healthy, Christ-centered marriage instead of a cohabitation situation that causes confusion and heartbreak.
Photo Credit: © Getty Images/ Ridofranz
Anna Oelerich is a Chicago-area church youth director, freelance writer, and graduate of Taylor University. She received her B.S. in Professional Writing in 2018, but has loved words—reading, storytelling, list-making, and even handwriting—for as long as she can remember. Previously, she served as the marketing and communications coordinator for a community foundation, where she shared powerful stories of generosity, and encouraged others to give. When writing an article, or developing programming for her students, Anna enjoys highlighting the historical and cultural contexts of familiar Bible passages so others feel they are living the stories for themselves.