1. Give yourself permission to be sad.
You don’t have to have all the answers. It’s okay just to feel your feelings. Grief is the loss of anything significant, so it’s important to give ourselves (or our hurting friends/loved ones) permission to grieve anything and everything –from medical concerns to job losses and family conflict to divorce, even the loss of friendships, etc. It’s also incredibly helpful to remember that grief is dynamic. While many of us have some understanding of the “five stages of grief” in our minds, these stages are not consistent. In other words, we don’t need to be hard on ourselves if our grief doesn't follow a particular pattern.
The reality is that not all suffering is reasonable. Not all agonizing questions can be answered sensibly, and though it feels counterintuitive, we can find resilience by embracing, rather than avoiding, our physical and emotional pain.
2. Create a repeatable event or symbol that honors your loss.
Symbols are deeply meaningful for humanity. We are people who need to mark, remember, grieve, and celebrate. Consider creating an annual event, getting a special piece of jewelry, or planting a garden in your loved one’s honor. These seem like simple ideas, but the intentional act of remembering and marking—with your community around you—can create strength in sadness.
3. Know that the first year may not be the hardest.
In spite of what people say, the first year of grieving a loved one is not always the hardest. The first year is the year of adrenaline, the year of “firsts.” It is the year of putting one foot in front of the other, the year of doing the next thing you are capable of doing. It’s a year of reckoning—a year of listing that which has been lost and trying to make sense of what will never really make sense—this new reality.
Resilience after year one takes support – in a support group, in grief counseling, in a restorative exercise class, etc. If you are a person of faith, this can be a meaningful time to join a faith-based support group.
4. Be mindful of other sufferers.
There are folks around the globe living under systemic oppression, poverty, and pain. Others have survived natural disasters, tragedy, or abuse. Join them on their mourning benches. If you are a praying person, pray for them. Consider donating money to a cause that you are passionate about. Volunteer your time with a relief organization. Send a hurting friend an encouraging note. If we can reach out of our pain into the pain of others, this increases our own compassion, moves us out of myopic focus, and supports those who are hurting.
5. Engage in the enjoyable.
This can come across as trite, but in the midst of our deepest pain, if we can make efforts to engage in healthy things that we enjoy— hiking, photography, music, art, exercise, writing, a great conversation with a friend—these help us come out of our isolation, one day at a time, and move us towards a place of hope.
Bonus- How to offer support for those who are grieving:
- Sometimes, we are afraid to bring up someone’s loss. But simple questions like, “How’s your grief today?” or “How are you doing with your loss?” are supportive.
- We tend to want to say things that try to “fix” or balance the emotional scales of grief. But those attempts (even well-meant) can come across as invalidating. Know that your presence—even crying with someone or sitting silently beside your hurting friend—is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer.
- Jot down the dates of important anniversaries, and be sure to send a card, a text, or flowers that day. If you are uncertain of what to do, ask your friend, “How can I honor that person/that life experience with you?”
- Offer practical support: drop off meals, hire a house cleaner, send over a babysitter, help with laundry, etc.
- Above all, gauge, with sensitivity, what your friends can tolerate. Maybe today they want to go on a walk with you, but tomorrow they don’t. That’s okay. Grief can’t be rushed. Your job as a supporter is to keep showing up. That, more than much else, will help strengthen a hurting person’s resilience.
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