What do we do with biblical passages like 1 Peter telling women to have a "gentle and quiet spirit"?
I am not a quiet woman. I don't have many quiet friends. We follow Jesus but have been raised to speak up and form educated opinions that we share freely with others. What do we make of the Bible's charge to have a "gentle and quiet spirit?" Is this incongruous with our times? We love and respect our husbands, but are we out of line with Scripture if we tell them what we think?
Where Does the Bible Tell Wives to Have a Gentle and Quiet Spirit?
Our wisest move is to look directly at what the Bible says, who is saying it, and the context in which it was said. To understand how to apply "a gentle and quiet spirit," we must look at the full 1 Peter 3:3-4 passage:
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." (NIV)
We first observe that Peter is comparing external beauty with inner beauty. This passage echoes what God told Samuel when he was searching for a king to replace Saul in 1 Samuel 16:7, "The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
Likewise, Peter tells the women coming to Christ in the early church that God finds beauty within, not from outer adornment. Also, inner beauty, the beauty of our spirits, doesn't fade with time or age or the trials of life. This is a lovely affirmation for all women, including those with low incomes and those who fear their beauty has faded over time.
Reading this should lead us to ask some questions:
Is a gentle and quiet spirit the same as not speaking? Why is Peter writing to women in this passage? Does Peter also speak to men?
What Is the Larger Context of Peter Telling Women to Have a Gentle and Lowly Spirit?
1 Peter 3:3-4 fits into a larger section telling the church how to live as God's people. In 1 Peter 2:9-10, Peter says, "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy."
The early church comprised Jews and Gentiles, rich and poor, men and women, free and bondservant… all learning to be one people. Their salvation in Christ drew them together, but now they must work out how to live together as the people of God. In 1 Peter 2, Peter calls them (and us) to submit to human authorities. They should not be troublemakers. God's laws take precedence over human laws, but short of that, God's people were to submit, even to Rome.
Peter's words about following authority align with Jesus's admonitions that His kingdom is not of this world. He brought Simon the Zealot into His inner circle of 12 but didn't adopt Simon's revolutionary methods. He admonished the disciple who cut off the soldier's ear in Gethsemane. Likewise, Peter is explaining to the church that God's people are to keep their eyes on the kingdom come. Christians are not to think they are here to overthrow governments or disrupt societal order except by advocating for moral causes and transforming souls.
From the 1 Peter 2 discussion about how all Christians should submit to local authorities and obey church leaders, he proceeds further into areas of obedience. Bondservants who came to Christ were to submit to their household heads (Emma Danzey discusses some misconceptions about that passage). In 1 Peter 3, Peter exhorts wives to submit to their husbands—even unbelieving husbands, in the hopes that their behavior might win over their husbands.
In verse 5, Peter refers to Sarah:
"For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands." (1 Peter 3:5 NIV)
In the next verses, Peter tells husbands to be considerate of their wives, treating them respectfully so that "nothing will hinder your prayers" (1 Peter 3:7). These are strong words to husbands that their treatment of their wives could impact God's response to their prayers.
So, within Peter's entire letter, we see God is calling all Christians to exercise respect, submission, and cautious behavior. These instructions include telling women to adorn themselves with "a gentle and quiet spirit."
This is also echoed in Peter's other New Testament passages, exhorting husbands to love their wives the way Christ loved the church, encouraging mutual submission in the body and marriage, and instructing women to submit to their husbands respectfully and to learn in quietness and submission in the church (1 Corinthians 14:34). This is what the passage says and the Scriptural context.
But how do we apply the passage today?
Does the Gentle and Quiet Spirit Verse Mean Wives Can't Wear Makeup?
First, Peter's words do not prohibit makeup, jewelry, or cute hair. They warn about spending more time on our externals than cultivating beautiful spirits. In early church times, people were very much as they are now. Some people competed with others by striving to look more successful, beautiful, and powerful.
This would have been a particular problem when integrating Gentiles of varying cultures and economic statuses into the same congregations as Messianic Jews. New believers would arrive for worship with varying understandings about proper attire and attitude. Peter is instructing women to focus on their internal beauty over their externals.
Jesus ushered in a new order. We were to be one family. We were to consider others' interests as greater than our own. We were not to show favoritism. We were to serve one another and wash one another's feet as Jesus washed the disciples' feet.
Women are as subject to this call as men. We reflexively focus on the word "submit" while glossing over the amazing truth that God elevated women to the status of having specific instruction directed at them by the apostolic writers. Yes, we can look nice, do our hair, and apply makeup (although we don't have to if we choose to eschew them), but these shouldn't consume the lion's share of our time and attention. Instead, we should be like Jesus, who was "gentle and humble of heart." Our lives should be marked by "gentle and quiet spirits."
What Does Having a Gentle and Quiet Spirit Look Like?
Many times in the New Testament, believers are called to listen (for example, Mark 4:3, Mark 9:7, John 10:16, Acts 3:22, and Acts 13:16). And yet, we know that there are also times for us to speak because there are many passages about our speech.
Likewise, the commands to speak the truth in love and let our words be seasoned with salt are not specifically directed toward men, so we can see God expects us to speak.
Further down in 1 Peter 3, Peter says to all the Christians:
"But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander." (1 Peter 3:15-16 NIV)
We must take all these passages together and understand that God isn't telling women to be entirely silent. Remember, God once told Abraham to listen to Sarah (Genesis 21:12). There is a time to be silent and a time to speak. But all believers are to speak with gentleness and respect.
A quiet spirit is attuned to the Holy Spirit. It is a spirit that believes God sees and hears everything and can be trusted in every circumstance. It has less to do with personality and more to do with internal positioning. What does that mean?
The church is full of strong, intelligent, passionate women comfortable speaking up and speaking out. I am one of them. As a Christian, I must not put my faith in my voice, mind, or actions but in Christ alone. To have a gentle and quiet spirit is to be like Jesus. Jesus saw more wrong than I even see. Jesus was completely holy, wise, and righteous. He could have come down from heaven shouting and hurling balls of lightning, but instead, He came in gentleness and humility.
He calls you and me to trust Him. To have the faith that He sees what we see and even more. He designed us so He loves our varying approaches to life, but our personalities are also to submit to Him. For me, that doesn't mean I try to muzzle myself or squeeze myself into a quiet box. Instead, it means I am always listening to Him for how to speak, when to speak, and when to remain silent.
We live in loud times, but volume doesn't equate with being right. The louder people scream, the more it indicates a loss of self-control. In our marriages, homes, congregations, communities, and the world, we are free to use our voices, but they should emerge from spirits submitted to Jesus in every way. This is the path to true freedom and Holy Spirit-fueled power in a pushy, noisy world.
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This article is part of our larger resource library of popular Bible verse phrases and quotes. We want to provide easy to read articles that answer your questions about the meaning, origin, and history of specific verses within Scripture's context. It is our hope that these will help you better understand the meaning and purpose of God's Word in relation to your life today.
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