All families have drama, and children often find conflict with their parents. Yet the fifth commandment from God tells us to honor our father and mother.
Young people require guidance along the path to independence, yet part of maturation includes receiving and appreciating wisdom, which is not always easy. Parents also have their issues; even the best parents only imperfectly pass on what their children need. Sadly, parents can also be abusive or absent.
We live in a broken world, and while God designed and values family, human sinfulness and our spiritual enemy corrupt the process.
God, in his love, commands us to live redemptively. So, how can we live redemptively and practice the commandment to honor our father and mother, even in the worst scenario?
Where Does the Bible Say to Honor Our Father and Mother?
The fifth commandment sits at the core of the Mosaic Covenant, which still affects us today, even as New Testament believers.
The Israelites, led by Moses, experienced a miraculous deliverance from Egypt through the parting of the Red Sea. Reaching Sinai, Moses ascended the mountain, where God revealed his presence through thunder, lightning, and a thick cloud. God gave Moses the Ten Commandments, establishing a covenant with the Israelites.
The Bible lists the Ten Commandments in two primary locations: Exodus 20:1-17 and Deuteronomy 5:4-21. The Fifth Commandment specifically appears in Exodus 20:12 and Deuteronomy 5:16. The two versions essentially read the same: “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”
The Hebrew text uses the word kabed for “honor,” which conveys the idea of giving weight or significance to someone. In the commandment’s context, it implies showing deep respect and reverence: valuing one’s parents highly. This honor goes beyond obedience, encompassing care, appreciation, and recognition of their role and sacrifices.
The commandment to honor our father and mother establishes a foundation for respect and obedience within the family unit. The foundation fosters social stability and harmony. By honoring parents, we learn to respect authority and develop a sense of responsibility and gratitude, further applying this idea to God. While the Old Testament didn’t always apply the idea of father to the Lord, those writings did express him as Creator from whence all life comes. God was the Israelites’ source and deliverer, as he brought them out of Egypt. Honoring parents further signifies valuing and acknowledging who cared for us and where we came from.
The commandment doesn’t include the phrase “if they deserve it.” God expects us to honor our parents, not because they deserve it, but because he will bless and reward us.
What Else Does the Bible Say About Honoring Mothers and Fathers?
Beyond the fifth commandment, the Bible contains numerous passages emphasizing the importance of honoring parents.
Proverbs 1:8-9 advises: “Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. They are a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.” This passage highlights the lifelong benefits of heeding parental guidance, portraying it as valuable and honorable. Proverbs 23:22 further emphasizes respecting parents, especially in their old age: “Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.” Our parents gave us life, and we give them ongoing respect and care, acknowledging their lifelong contribution and emphasizing the duty to honor them throughout their lives.
The New Testament also reinforces the principle of honoring parents. In Ephesians 6:1-3, Paul instructs, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with a promise: “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’” Paul reiterates the Commandment and highlights the promise of well-being and longevity, encouraging children to obey and respect their parents as a fundamental Christian duty.
In Colossians 3:20, Paul reinforces the principle of honoring parents: “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Here, the apostle links obedience to parents with pleasing God, suggesting that honoring parents is essential to a faithful and godly life.
Additionally, 1 Timothy 5:4 guides readers on how to support parents, particularly in their old age: “But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God” (NIV). This passage emphasizes the responsibility of family members to care for their elderly parents, framing it as an act of piety and devotion to God.
Jesus even cared for his mother as he hung on the cross. He saw Mary standing nearby with the disciple John. Despite his immense suffering, Jesus addressed his mother, saying, “Woman, behold your son,” and to John, “Behold your mother” (John 19:26-27). By doing this, Jesus entrusted Mary to John’s care, ensuring she would have someone to look after her after His death. John obediently took Mary into his home from that moment on. This act highlighted Jesus’ deep compassion and responsibility, even in his final moments, emphasizing the importance of honoring and caring for one's family.
What Does Paul Say about the Fifth Commandment?
Paul notes in Ephesians 6:1-3 that “Honor your father and mother” is the first commandment with a promise: “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
The commandment contains a promise for several reasons. First, it emphasizes the family unit’s foundational role in God’s design for human society. Beginning with Adam and Eve, even before the Fall, God established the family to spread his creative order through humans made in his image. The family maintains stability and integrity by ensuring that children honor their parents, supporting a well-ordered and harmonious society.
Secondly, the promise of well-being and long life serves as an incentive for obedience. Family and community structures are crucial for survival and prosperity. Therefore, the commandment assures divine blessing for honoring parents, and a future reward for the assurance of divine blessing for honoring parents reinforces the importance of this commandment. Interestingly, as we all hope to be parents one day, honoring our parents (as imperfect as they are) sows blessings upon our future selves, which we reap upon having our own children. Loving and giving grace to our parents now also bestows grace upon us in the future.
Paul’s emphasis on this commandment reveals the continuity between the Old and New Testaments. While he often addresses the transformative power of Christ’s sacrifice and the new covenant, Paul also affirms that the moral laws given to the Israelites remain relevant. By highlighting the Fifth Commandment, he bridges the Old Testament ethical teachings with the New Testament principles of Christian living. He shows that respect for parents does not change with the new covenant: it remains a vital aspect of a righteous life.
Moreover, Paul’s instruction to “obey your parents in the Lord” (Ephesians 6:1) provides a Christ-centered perspective on the commandment. We do this in God, with his help, since family was his idea.
How Do We Honor Abusive Mothers and Fathers?
No perfect parents exist apart from God. So we must all forgive and repent of our mistakes, humbly seeking restoration and reconciliation.
Unfortunately, some parents abuse their children. In these extreme cases, we can still honor our parents, but it may look different because of safety issues, whether emotional, spiritual, or physical.
First, honoring abusive parents involves forgiveness (Matthew 6:14). Forgiveness isn’t about condoning the abuse or forgetting the harm done. It is about freeing ourselves from the burden of resentment and bitterness. Forgiving an abusive parent is a step towards healing and aligns with Christ’s teaching of love and mercy.
However, forgiveness does not mean allowing continued abuse. Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial and loving for everyone involved. Paul tells us we should live at peace with others when it depends upon us (Romans 12:8). However, we can’t compromise truth and safety and let abusive people manipulate the situation.
Christians can honor their parents by setting clear limits on their interactions, ensuring that these boundaries protect their emotional and physical well-being. For example, limiting contact, seeking counseling, or cutting ties temporarily or permanently may be necessary to maintain safety and mental health. We can’t control the behavior of others, nor should we try, but we can set boundaries to stand in truth.
Furthermore, showing love can mean encouraging abusive parents to seek help. Lovingly confronting their behavior, if safe to do so, and suggesting professional counseling or support groups can be a form of honoring them. This action aligns with the biblical principle of speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), and love participates in the process toward reconciliation if possible.
What Does it Mean for Christians Today to Honor Our Father and Mother?
Honoring one’s father and mother is a timeless command that remains relevant for Christians today. Here are several ways Christians can honor our parents.
- Show Respect and Reverence. Respecting our parents is foundational to honoring them. Leviticus 19:3 commands, “Each of you must respect your mother and father, and you must observe my Sabbaths. I am the Lord your God.” Respect involves speaking kindly to parents, valuing their opinions, and treating them with dignity.
- Obey Their Instructions. When we are children and live with our parents, the Bible calls us to obey them to honor them. Obedience involves listening to parents’ guidelines and adhering to their rules. As adults, we may no longer need to obey their every word, but we must still honor them in our conduct and speech.
- Care for Them in Old Age. As parents age, the responsibility to care for them becomes an important aspect. 1 Timothy 5:4 instructs, “But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.” Providing physical, emotional, and financial support to our aging parents is a tangible way to honor them.
- Seek Their Wisdom. Honoring our parents includes recognizing the value of their experience and seeking their counsel. They love us and possess more experience. Consulting parents for advice and considering their perspectives demonstrates respect and appreciation for their wisdom.
- Express Gratitude. Showing appreciation for parents’ sacrifices and efforts is another way to honor them. Gratitude can be expressed through words, actions, and gestures, such as thanking them for their support, writing notes of appreciation, or giving thoughtful gifts. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 encourages us to “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
- Maintain Communication. Regular communication helps sustain a strong relationship with our parents. Keeping in touch through visits, phone calls, or messages shows that we value and care about their well-being.
- Honor Their Legacy. Living a life that reflects the positive values and lessons imparted by parents honors their legacy. Proverbs 10:1 states, “A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son brings grief to his mother.” Demonstrating integrity, kindness, and faithfulness reflects well on our parents and honors our upbringing and the sacrifices mothers and fathers make.
- Pray for Them. Praying for parents is a powerful way to honor them. Prayer can include asking for their health, happiness, and spiritual growth. Philippians 4:6 encourages believers, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
No, our parents aren’t perfect. However, as Christians, family stems from God’s created order and his design for blessing us and others. These actions, grounded in biblical principles, ensure that we fulfill this important commandment, reflect God’s love and respect for family, and receive great blessings in this life and the life to come.
Peace.
Photo Credit:©GettyImages/Eda Hoyman
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