Respect is defined by Merriam-Webster’s dictionary as “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.” Ephesians 5:24-30 says,
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of his body.
Many couples use this passage as a blueprint for a happy marriage, and, on some level, this is true. But what happens when the wife loves her husband but she doesn't like what he does? What does respect look like in this situation?
Does she have to respect him when he's caught in a sin? Does she have to respect him when his character has been less than honorable? Christians often take this passage as a blanket statement about how marriages should work.
But each marriage needs to be taken on a case-by-case basis. Here are five things Christians get wrong about wives respecting their husbands:
1. They Must Pretend They Have a Good Marriage
The key to a good marriage is open and honest communication. This means transparency with one another. It may also mean transparency with others as well.
Even if you are a couple in ministry, you do not have to fake having a good marriage to be a good example to the people whom you lead.
You can discuss your failures and disappointments and still be a good witness for Christ. Long gone are the days when the pastor's family puts on a fake smile after just having a fight and pretending to lead a congregation.
Transparency and honesty are key to not only healthy marriage but also healthy leaders who make healthy leaders.
2. She Can’t Hold Him Accountable for Wrong Actions
Marriage is tough, and sometimes sin gets in the way. A husband needs to be held accountable for his sins in the same way a wife needs to be held accountable for hers. Privately, it is important for the wife to point out if her husband is in sin and help him repent so he can display Christlike qualities and effectively lead.
But if the husband ignores or dismisses her, it may be time to call in an authority figure. There is nothing wrong with going to your pastor or other leaders and explaining the situation to them. Ask the pastor to be a mediator and handle whatever the situation is.
Respect does not equal being a people pleaser. Your wife does not have to be a doormat to respect her husband. Allow people above him to help figure out what to do if your husband is in sin.
This is where a wife needs to practice submission. It is dishonoring to your marriage to leave the sin unacknowledged and allow it to wreak havoc on your physical, mental, and emotional well-being.
3. To Respect Him, She Must Like Everything He Does
Ephesians 5 makes it clear that submission and respect go hand in hand. However, a wife doesn't have to like everything her husband does. Husbands are human, just like everyone else.
As the head of their home, they are tasked with not only making decisions that will help their spiritual growth but is also responsible for the spiritual growth of both their wife and children. They are bound to make mistakes along the way.
Discern whether your husband is simply making a mistake or has a character flaw that needs to be addressed. Wives do not have to ignore character flaws (or overt sins) to respect their husbands.
By helping them see their flaws, wives are actually demonstrating more respect because they care about them enough to point out their flaws to help make them better people. Husbands or wives are coupled together to not only worship God but to also make each other better.
When Scripture says, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:30), God wants us to couple ourselves with those who love the Lord and want to be men who display Christlike character.
Do what you can to point out something that needs to be improved, but practice submission by trusting that God will handle him accordingly, even if he refuses.
4. She Can’t Have People Pray for Her
For women who are extroverts, it is important that they can talk to their friends about their personal problems, including their marriage. But often, we confuse respect with not saying anything bad about someone. We can love someone and not like what he/she does.
Additionally, it is crucial for them to get some wise counsel on what to do in this situation, especially from those who have been there before. Having said this, they need to strike a balance between gossip and prayer requests.
We often like to wrap our gossip around prayer requests when it's just an opportunity to tell someone about something juicy you know about someone else.
If you are struggling in your marriage, ask the Lord to reveal to you whom you can talk to about getting advice about your situation. It is important to evaluate a person's spiritual maturity to know whether that person can handle what you are about to say.
When you choose someone, ask yourself: can this person keep my confidence? Have I heard this person gossip about other people? Is this person a positive person or someone who tends to look on the negative side?
The answer to these questions will help you find the person whom you can trust to seek prayer and counsel when needed most.
5. Respect Is Not Granted. It’s Earned
Simply because the Bible tells us to respect our husbands does not mean it's naturally given. When a wife is taken for granted or mistreated in her marriage, especially in the form of abuse, she does not have to respect her husband for that.
In the same way, trust has to be earned if it has been broken. Respect also needs to be earned and not simply granted. A woman does not have to admire character traits that are not in alignment with God or his will.
Additionally, sometimes husbands change from the people they were at the beginning part of the relationship to where they are now. If they haven't changed for the better, it is important to help keep them on track.
Wives do not have to respect bad behavior, dismissiveness, or derogatory comments in public or private. While it is important for a wife not to talk badly about her husband behind his back, it is the same for the husband.
Not only are wives called to respect their husbands, but they are also called to honor them. It is not honorable to mock her husband behind his back. This is the same with the husband. To honor each other, they need to speak well about each other in public and seek wise counsel for issues in private.
Ephesians 5 is an important passage to apply to husbands and wives who want to have a good marriage. But it should not be taken as a blanket statement regardless of someone else's actions.
Not only is it important to follow the principles outlined in Ephesians 5, but it’s also necessary for wives to hold their husbands accountable if they are acting in a way that goes against their marriage vows.
Do what you can to fix bad behavior, ask the Lord to give you a change of heart to help you respect your husband, submit to the Lord and let him deal with the rest.
For further reading:
Why Are Husbands Told to Love Their Wives?
What Is the Biblical View of Submission?
What Is the Biblical Definition of Marriage?
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