
In this podcast (episode #593) and blog, I talk to bestselling author and podcast host Elise Loehnen about being a woman in todayâs world, the price we as women pay to be âgoodâ and âon our best behaviorâ, how this impacts our mental wellbeing, and so much more!
Elise is the host of Pulling the Thread, a podcast focused on pulling apart the stories we tell about who we areâand then putting those threads back together. She is a seeker and synthesizer, braiding together wisdom traditions, cultural history, and a deep knowledge of healing modalities to unlock new ways to contextualize who we are and why weâre here.
Sheâs also the author of the New York Times bestseller On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good. This incredible book explores how male-dominated cultures impact women and are embedded in our consciousness, leading to our own self-policing behavior. It is about the way we as women are programmed by society to adhere to certain ideas about âgoodnessâ. In many ways, we are directed from youth to be on our best behavior, while men are directed to be powerful, which affects all parts of a womanâs life.
The idea of a womanâs goodness as external and judged by society is different to the goodness that belongs to all of us, as human beings, intuitively. This external sense of âbeing goodâ is often compelled and performative in nature, and this happens unconsciouslyâit is a script that we as women didnât necessarily choose but it is foisted upon us from birth. It is fed to us as a map to morality, belonging and approval, often suppressing and repressing what it truly means to be authentic to ourselves as women.
In many ways, this âscriptâ is based on social notions of the seven deadly sins found in Christianity: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth. For example, Elise points out in her book that seeing sloth as sinful leads women to deny themselves rest, a fear of gluttony drives them to ignore their appetites, and an aversion to greed prevents them from negotiating for themselves and contributes to the 55 percent gender wealth gap we see in our world today. Elise shows how we, as women, have been âprogrammed to obey the rules represented by these sins and how doing so qualifies us as âgoodââ and determines our worth in society. From youth, we are taught to internalize this way of thinking and acting, often unwittingly reinforcing it through our own choices and behavior: a good woman is never tired, puts other peopleâs needs first, doesnât need attention or praise, has no appetite and is on the small side, is desirable but not desiring or sexual, doesnât talk about money or understand it very well (even though her job is to support the economy), and she never complains about any of this.
Of course, this idea of âgoodnessâ and âbeing on your best behaviorâ is not as simple as men versus women. In many ways, we unconsciously police ourselves and other women according to these standards, which means that we have to work too deliberately to break down these ways of thinking to change them. We have to unsubscribe from these unconscious patterns and ways of being if we want to change the world for the better and help women be more authentic to themselves and their intuitive sense of what it means to be âgoodâ. The more we are aware of this and can observe it in ourselves and others, the more we can challenge and change the narrativeâwe can tell different stories about ourselves and other women, celebrate the âfeminineâ, and lay the groundwork for empowering women in the future.
For more on being a women in todayâs world, listen to my podcast with Elise (episode #593) and check out her incredible work and her book On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good. If you enjoy listening to my podcast, please consider leaving a 5-star review and subscribing. And keep sharing episodes with friends and family and on social media. (Donât forget to tag me so I can see your posts!).
Photo Credit: ŠGettyImages/Tero Vesalainen
Originally published by Dr. Caroline Leaf. Used with permisison.