Confronting someone about a sin is uncomfortable. We can struggle with knowing how to approach the issue or what to say. Fears of being misunderstood or rejected are also legitimate concerns. Yet, if we love the person and desire the best for him or her, we must say something.
As believers, we have the guidance of Scripture to help us lovingly rebuke others. Not only do we have examples of people in biblical history who did this, but we also have the words of our Savior to instruct us about confronting other believers with tact. One such verse in the Bible specifically deals with relationships among disciples – Matthew 18:15.
If we examine this verse in its context, we can understand the attitude and approach we should take when confronting another disciple about sin, including when they have sinned against us. Our first inclination may be to want to punish and ridicule the person who hurt us. But the Lord calls us to a life of humility and love, as we will see while studying the surrounding passage.
What Is the Background and Context of Matthew 18:15?
Matthew 18 starts with the disciples asking Jesus a question: “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” (Matthew 18:1, NIV). To their surprise, Jesus did not describe a charismatic leader or an influential ruler. He did not mention a heavy-handed person or someone known for military prowess. Instead, he brought before them a child. As He said, “Whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:4, NIV). Humility is a vital part of the life of a disciple.
A person who is humble will look out for the needs of others and be careful not to cause anyone to stumble into sin (Matthew 18:6; see also Philippians 2:3-4). They will develop a heart for what God desires, which includes not wanting anyone to perish (Matthew 18:10-14). If the Lord cares about the one wandering sheep in His flock, then we should, too.
We cannot passively observe people engaging in sin. To fail to redirect them to their Shepherd is to show a lack of love – we merely watch as they wander away into danger and sorrow. Acting in the best interest of others necessitates that we go to the person and confront them.
The Need for Humbleness and Gentleness in Rebuke
Taking the superior role of a judge in a conflict is tempting, especially if we have been wronged. We want the person to see the terrible things they did and to pay for their deeds. However, that is not the approach God wants us to take, as shown in Scripture.
When someone wanders away from the Shepherd and sins, we should go to that person and gently rebuke them. As Jesus told the disciples, “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over” (Matthew 18:15, NIV). Notice that our Lord did not tell us to publicize the person’s fault on social media or declare it to our friends. He told us to talk privately with the person.
Keeping in mind the earlier emphasis on humility in the passage, we should not take a superior, self-righteous attitude when rebuking others. If the person who is greatest in the kingdom of heaven takes the lowest place, like that of a servant, then we should talk to the offending person as a fellow disciple, not as a judge. We, too, have sinned and are not spiritually greater than anyone else. Evaluating ourselves and praying before confronting others is a wise choice, lest we hypocritically point out a speck in their eyes without dealing with the plank on our own (see Matthew 7:3-5).
In addition to dealing with an offending brother or sister in humility, we also need to be gentle. There is a difference between telling the truth and intentionally heaping blame. The truth will convict and is often painful to hear. Yet, we should correct someone in love, not with cold words meant to cut down (Ephesians 4:29). The Holy Spirit will be working to convict the believer and can use our words to bring him or her to the place of repentance.
Our job is to confront our fellow disciples when we see them wandering away from the Shepherd and getting caught in sin. We cannot manipulate the situation or their response – they could grow angry or deny the issue. If they do not listen to us, then we can bring the matter to the attention of other mature Christians and then to the wider community of believers (see Matthew 18:16-17). Although the church was not yet established in the context of this verse, the body of Christ is the next level we would go to when dealing with an unrepentant brother or sister in Christ.
Regardless of the person’s response, we must be faithful to Jesus’ instruction to “go and point out their fault” in love, gentleness, and humility.
Restoration of Fellowship and Forgiveness
The point of rebuke is not to shame a disciple but to correct and restore him or her to fellowship. We do not want our brother or sister wandering, vulnerable to the disastrous effects of sin. To confront another is to act in love, desiring that person to be restored to a close relationship with God and other believers (see Galatians 6:1).
Of course, to do that, we must also be willing to forgive. Jesus emphasized the importance of forgiving our brothers and sisters after they have sinned against us in the latter verses of Matthew 18. Peter asked the Lord how many times he should forgive his brother (Matthew 18:21). Seven times was the suggested limit from Peter, but Jesus multiplied it by telling him to forgive seventy-seven times (Matthew 18:22). This was not to give a direct number, but to emphasize a continual willingness to forgive.
God the Father has forgiven us of our sins because of Jesus’ work on the cross. We receive forgiveness for our sins even though we do not deserve salvation. If our Lord was willing to die for us while we were still sinners to give us eternal life, then we should be more than willing to forgive those who sin against us (Romans 5:8; Colossians 3:13).
To withhold grace is to act like the unmerciful servant in Christ’s parable. The man was forgiven a massive sum by the merciful king but refused to show the same grace to another man who owed him a small amount (Matthew 18:23-35). We should extend mercy and grace to an erring disciple because we have been shown immeasurable grace by our Savior.
What Does This Mean?
Confronting a fellow believer about sin is not about lording other people’s sins over them to make ourselves feel morally superior. Instead, to address an issue of sin with another person in a biblical way is to serve and love him or her. We should go to the person privately to rebuke him or her with an attitude of gentleness and humility. Though we cannot control the person’s response, we can speak in truth and love with the desire to welcome the wandering but repentant disciple back into fellowship.
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