Martyr Or Malcontent: Discerning the Difference
In a previous article, we looked at the definition of both “martyr” and “martyr complex.” We discussed some biblical examples of what it looks like to adopt the stance of the chronic victim and how this negatively affects one’s life. Now, let’s consider some crucial differences between real victimization and the victim or martyr complex. We will consider its root, some of the real suffering caused by this distortion of truth, and the generosity of God towards those who view themselves as martyrs.
Motives for Martyr Syndrome
One mental health writer indicates that there can be several possible root causes for martyr syndrome, and the outward expression includes several possible traits. For example, besides “frequently sacrificing their own needs for the needs of others,” they also struggle to establish healthy boundaries, work too much, and desire attention.
Failure to say “no” is an example of not seeting boundaries, or for choosing to work long hours for a long time, leading to exhaustion. Another example is when someone shares too much information with virtual strangers, which can help to identify the motive for a martyr complex.
One motive is narcissism. An individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder demonstrates “a persistent need for admiration. In a narcissistic martyr, that need for admiration and praise may play a key role in their self-sacrificing behaviors.” Another reason for acting like a martyr is to manipulate others by encouraging them to feel guilty - someone with NPD is skilled at emotional control.
Another reason to adopt a martyr complex is that the individual’s priorities are unhealthy. They give up necessities to provide a child, spouse, or friend with something that is too expensive. People in healthcare push themselves too far, as do teachers, police officers, and often parents. “Caring for a child with a significant health condition may lead parents or caregivers to develop martyr-like characteristics,” while any sense of “job insecurity or the desire for a pay rise, bonus, or promotion may lead to martyrdom at work.”
A desire to help or to look after family is good, but not to the extent that one causes self-harm as a result. This only makes the beneficiaries of those good intentions feel terrible and only offers short-term benefits. Martyrs fall prey to exhaustion, heart problems, stroke, and workplace injury.
Illusion or Reality?
These categories seem to cover a lot of scenarios, and perhaps most people are guilty of being false martyrs from time to time. But is there such a thing as true martyrdom which is not illusory?
Whether from a secular or a Christian perspective, examining emotional responses, motives, and rewards is a good way to start. Did you ask for all of the responsibilities you are facing? Is abuse involved, as a result of which saying “no” could lead to emotional or physical violence or oppression of some kind?
In the last instance, the “reward” is simply safety. Breaking free of the cycle here will involve counseling and potentially law enforcement and will lead to unavoidable but important conflict. It takes courage to stand up to an abuser by reaching out for help. When a habit of abuse has been established, even getting away is no guarantee that the sufferer will understand that it is safe to say “no” in a new, safe context, and a “complex” might understandably develop.
But a sinful response is to take that habit of finding safety in compliance into a safe place and putting responsibility onto safe people which is not theirs to bear. Understandably, it takes time to break this habit, and a survivor of abuse needs time, grace.Yet, it is also tempting to pursue the rewards of a martyr’s status: positive attention, affirmation, even affection. The emotional high of hearing so much praise or sympathy leads to sin.
A handy guide is to ask what you do when you believe you are slighted, whom you tell, and what the rewards are. The “victim” frequently chooses listeners who will not ask probing, reasonable questions. The so-called victim prefers half-hearted sympathy and impotent commiseration over self-examination. Others try to talk sense, but this person becomes defensive and offended. The “victim’s” response is often extremely emotional and sometimes irrational, disconnected from any obvious trigger. It seems as though he or she blew up over nothing when, in fact, the problems started hours or even days ago.
One might identify someone with a martyr complex by the frequent cycle of new friends (old ones start to ask good questions in the name of truth and love.) You will rapidly realize that the individual is self-consumed and talks a lot about how he or she has come to be a martyr. Usually, the report is full of “woe is me” comments, and this individual does not take any responsibility.
Self-Awareness and Martyrdom
You could be the victim of an ongoing attack on your character, on your peace, or even on your physical person. In that case, the victimization is real. Yet, if you are generally prone to negativity and self-focus, it is difficult to know what is true and what is a distortion of reality. Jesus instructed his listeners thus:
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” - Matthew 18:15
The best way to figure this out is to talk with the person you believe is persecuting you if this is safe and applicable.
When one is being persecuted or being overworked but does not suffer from a distorted and negative view of reality, the attitude is notably different from that of a self-styled martyr. This individual is positive and realistic: maintaining long hours at work is doable in the short term, and the reward is worth it. He or she will not draw attention to the sacrifices being made.
“But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.” - Matthew 6:3
The only time to draw attention is when it is loving to do so. A climate of complaint and putative crisis is a cry for attention and a way to hide at the same time. There is prestige in suffering, even a level of fame. Survivors are respected, but their so-called suffering masks the real problems at play. Someone with a martyr complex probably DOES suffer, but getting to the root of that problem feels too hard, even shameful. A martyr complex is a good distraction.
Our Sin, Our Savior
Balogh points out that such distortions and distractions disable our ability to see sin in our own lives. “A victim mentality magnifies the harm done to us and minimizes our own sinfulness.” We might admit that we are sinners in a general sense, but “our sin is nothing compared to what others have done to us.” Yet, there are usually two sides to the problem unless the sin committed against a person was blatantly one-sided, such as a violent attack.
Sin separates us from God when we refuse to acknowledge and repent. We cannot hear him talking to us through prayer or the Word or through friends. In fact, we tend to run away from God when we are caught up in unacknowledged sin. It is our nature to hide, as Adam and Eve did. Even though God asked them, “Where are you?” (Genesis 3:9), he knew where they were. Shame drove Adam and Eve into hiding despite the futility of their efforts. Adopting a false identity as a “martyr” is a good distraction from our real pain, but God can see inside each person’s mind and heart.
Says Balogh, “When we’re blind to our own sin, we’re blind to our need for rescue from sin. We’re blind to our need for a Saviour. And that’s a spiritually dangerous situation to be in.” As a Hungarian, he was taught from a young age to regard other nations as oppressors and Hungarians as victims. “Hungarian history isn’t a simple case of Hungarians being innocent victims. Often, Hungarians did evil things to others too”. Scale this scenario down to the story of a family where parents taught their children to believe they were never to blame for anything they did wrong, where self-reflection and consideration for others were not taught or modeled. The responsibility still falls to that son or daughter to change the narrative, and it is not too late for mom and dad either.
Self-styled “victims” receive sympathy, attention, and kindness. What they miss, however, is the mercy God offers to repentant sinners and an awareness of his generosity towards us personally. “Repentance is less about feeling bad over behavior and more about feeling awe and delight towards God. The more glimpses we have of the glory of God, the more we mourn for scorning that glory”, writes Matt Erbaugh. Repentance is a gift, and grace is an invitation to truly and fully address a martyr mentality.
Consider it All Joy
What incentive is there for undertaking the hard work to follow? In the third and last part of this series, we will consider some positive examples from Scripture and how they promote both the solution and the reason to undertake the challenge of breaking this exhausting cycle. In the meantime, it is worth noting that even self-inflicted problems are still trials that the Lord has allowed us to endure for our own good and for his glory. It is appropriate for loved ones to be supportive and to acknowledge the difficulty of letting go of a system for coping with stress or controlling one’s environment out of fear while learning to trust that God has a better way. There is every reason to rejoice because change is possible, and the Lord will walk with the one who wants to be transformed.
“Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds.” (James 1:2).
Transformation hurts, but Christ refuses to let us walk through it without him.
Part 1: What Is Martyrdom?
Part 2: Is Your Suffering Genuine or Self-Inflicted?
Part 3: The Powerful Example of Martyrs Who Endured with Faith
Sources: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-heart-of-true-repentance
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/martyr-complex#effects-on-health
Photo Credit: SWN Design
