A Hardened Heart
By: Michelle Lazurek
"Jesus replied, 'Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.'" Matthew 19:8
The year 2020 was one of the most challenging years for my marriage. Not only did COVID profoundly impact our lives, including the lives of our church, but also work tensions and other personal tensions were piling up. Our marriage felt like a large Jenga tower, swaying back and forth, waiting for anyone with even a gentle touch to knock it down.
Forced to stay home for long periods, we had no one to talk to but ourselves. This caused us to fight more than ever. One fight led to days of not speaking to each other. For the first time, separation was a word that I entertained in my heart and mind.
One day, after taking some time away from speaking to my husband, we sat on the basement couch and had it out. We hashed out all our problems from the past and some of the current fights we were having. My husband and I had sought help from counselors individually and in our marriage.
Although it was not the most effective at healing our marriage, it did show both of us that we were still committed to each other and wanted to make the relationship work. My husband turned to me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "I don't want to get divorced. I want this to work out." Then he held his face in his hands and sobbed. I rubbed his back and sobbed, too.
How had we gotten here? How did we go from such a loving couple to two people who considered separating permanently?
The answer was easy: my heart had become so hardened against all the verbal attacks and character assassinations that I put up a wall and sought to protect myself. When I sat down for some quiet time, I knew God had much to work on in my heart. I had to take responsibility for the fact that our failing marriage was not just his fault; it was mine, too. We both had said and done things that contributed to the failure. I cried out to God, both for his forgiveness for my sins and for help to forgive my husband of his. As I prayed and cried out to God daily, I realized something.
My heart softened a little. Soon, I didn't look at him with disgust or irritation. I started to see him the way Jesus saw him: as a broken individual needing a Savior. The more I saw him through Jesus's eyes, the more I found my love rekindled for him.
In the above verse, Moses granted divorce certificates because of people's hearts. In those days, women had no say about whether they could remain married or get divorced. A man could divorce his wife for any reason. He could find someone else, become bored with her, or feel she was not fulfilling her wifely duties.
Regardless of the cause, a man could issue a certificate of divorce to a woman for any reason. This left the woman destitute and in desperate need of someone to take care of her. However, a divorced woman was like an indelible mark on her heart. It was as if she was damaged goods to anyone else who would know her.
God never intended for us to feel like we were damaged goods. Both parties must work together to make a marriage work. But even the Holy Spirit knows that no matter what he does to protect, comfort, or intervene in a person's life, a hardened heart is almost impossible to break. Much like the calluses that build on a person's fingers after playing an instrument for so long, those calluses take time to soften. A couple wanting to strip away their hearts' calluses will do so, but it will take time.
Take the time to see your spouse. See them like Jesus and allow yourself to see them as broken individuals who need salvation. That's how Jesus saw us when he went up on the cross. He knew his children were damaged and in need of a Savior. This helped him grow in compassion for his children and do the almost impossible task of enduring his crucifixion. Allow your heart to soften for your spouse, and you may choose to find your love rekindled, too.
Prayer:
Father, let us see people who see our spouses as we see ourselves. Let us not think of ourselves as superior. Rather, let us take responsibility for our part in our marriages. Let us soften our hearts, cry out to you, and allow you to fix the broken pieces of our marriage. Amen.
Related Resource: Engaging with God in a Technology-Saturated World
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