Why Your Husband Struggles With Loneliness
JEFFERSON BETHKE
Lee en español
“… I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” John 15:15 (NIV)
“I can’t feel anything,” I said to my wife, Alyssa, over our morning coffee. I felt as if a deep fog was over my mind and spirit.
Alyssa noticed it too. “When was the last time you felt alive and joyful?” she asked me.
A few memories from the last decade came to mind, certainly some moments in marriage and parenting. But the answer that came into my head almost immediately was: college.
Why?
In college, I had deep, rich, life-giving, energetic friendships.
I lived with 11 guys at that time. We shared deep dreams and worked on projects together. We were sharing our hearts as brothers in the trenches of life.
In the years since then, loneliness had crept in.
Maybe you’ve seen this happen to men in your life too. We have responsibilities and have people depending on us, so we don’t stop to think about it. We just keep chugging along. All too often, we reach a place where we can’t feel anything. At first glance, we might think that we’re strong, that it’s a superpower to move through life without emotions overwhelming us. But the reality is that we’re suffering, and we’re too numb to realize it.
How can you help your husband, brother, dad, friend or son fight the shadows of loneliness?
Jesus formed a close circle of friends who He ate with, walked with and visited in their homes. On one of His final nights with His disciples before His death, Jesus spoke these remarkable words: “I have called you friends” (John 15:15).
Many guys don’t have even a few close friends. But it’s a lie that loneliness is just part of being a man. Men and women are created for community.
God Himself is relational — Father, Son and Spirit. The very possibility of friendship — with one another and with God — starts with the fact that God Himself is a communion of divine Persons eternally in a relationship of mutual love.
Men need godly encouragement to make space for the deep relationships they are created for. We have to fight for the time and intention that good friendships require.
When I realized my loneliness, I invited 15 guys that I knew in my area over for burgers. Fourteen showed up. Our get-together became a quarterly tradition that has continued for years. It’s one of my most life-giving practices — not only is it fun, but it does something for my soul.
I’ve learned two principles for friendships. First, create gatherings around your interests. I love to cook, so I do that when I get together with friends. I encourage other men to bring together a tribe of brothers who are genuinely glad to spend time with one another and who enjoy the same kinds of activities. This creates a space for friendships to grow.
I’ve also learned the value of great questions, whether in a group or one on one. It’s easy to stay on the surface. But when a good question-asker guides a casual discussion, you’d be amazed at how men are ready to open up.
We are made in God’s image, and part of being faithful image bearers is being in community. The Kingdom of heaven will be in our midst — and the shadow of loneliness will have no power over our hearts.
Lord, help me know how to encourage my husband, brother, dad, friend or son in his friendships. Put people in his life who will draw him closer to You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
OUR FAVORITE THINGS
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FOR DEEPER STUDY
Proverbs 17:17, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity” (NIV).
What have you found to be most effective in cultivating deep friendships in your own life?
© 2024 by Jefferson Bethke. All rights reserved.
Proverbs 31 Ministries
P.O. Box 3189
Matthews, NC 28106
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