3 Tips to Become a Better Listener
By Aaron D’Anthony Brown
Bible Reading:
“My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.” – James 1:19
As I get older, the more and more I think people have either not read this verse or, more likely, not taken the time to heed these words. Being slow to speak is like an art form. You may have interest in the craft, but becoming a master takes time. A lot of time. Like, a lot of time! There are people in my life, and, perhaps, in yours as well, who if asked, would say that they are great listeners. Though, if the question was posed to those they supposedly listen to, those people would disagree.
This verse in Scripture was relevant when it was written and is still relevant today because it applies to so many people. Most of us are quicker to speak than we are to listen. We just don’t realize it. Consider that we live in a culture that preaches the idea of self.
We may not want to be so focused on self, but if we’re not striving to put others before ourselves, the natural result is to put ourselves first. Someone has to be the priority.
I remember trying to get to know a lady I met at church. We were texting back and forth and the conversation very quickly felt one-sided. I asked why she wasn’t asking any questions about me and only just responding. She said, “My brain is not reciprocal.” The sentiment was humorous, but she was serious. And she’s not alone in that sort of thinking. While some overestimate their ability, others don’t consider themselves sinful or wrong to not listen. It’s just who they are, the way God made them.
Perhaps we all need a reality check every now and again. The Bible encourages us to be great listeners and patient speakers. If that’s not you today, don’t fret. Instead, see today as an opportunity to become more like Christ. Just as the text tells us what to do, it also tells us how to do it.
Intersecting Faith & Life:
Take Inventory
Part of being a Christian that is often overlooked is introspection. We talk about wanting to right our wrongs and fight back against sin, but not many of us know how to sit back and take inventory of our own lives, at least, not on the regular. We wait until things get really bad and we’re forced to reflect.
The better choice is to not wait until times get desperate. Make introspection a daily habit. You don’t have to spend hours in a corner of your home thinking about your choices, though you could. A simpler approach would be to think over conversations and choices made at various points during the day, maybe at nighttime. Reflect on things such as your ability to listen. Take inventory of how much you spoke and how much you heard over the course of the day.
If you’ve known someone for a long time and don’t know much about them, but they know plenty about you, chances are you’ve been talking a lot more than listening.
Get Curious
One big reason people don’t listen enough is that they aren’t curious enough. They know more about themselves than the other person and thus, talking about themselves is easier and more comfortable. But, if you know so much about yourself, why is that your topic of choice? Why talk about only the things you’re familiar with? How does that lead to becoming more like Christ?
Other people don’t ask questions because they don’t want to be offensive, or they don’t know what to ask. That being said, being fearful of offending someone is not a healthy foundation for a relationship. Offense will happen because conflict between two sinners with differing personalities is inevitable. On the contrary, handling conflict well is a great foundation for a relationship.
Now, if you don’t know what to ask, never asking anything isn’t going to inform you. Meanwhile, if you’ve listened to what interests people, you would, in fact, know what to ask. When you meet someone new, they are a blank slate, a mystery. The more you ask them questions about anything and everything, the more you’ll be able to take note of what interests them and what doesn’t. Moreover, you’ll be able to figure out what you have in common.
We may give ourselves excuses to talk and not listen, but by listening more we would actually give ourselves more things to talk about. More mutually interesting topics, too!
Set Boundaries
Listening to someone, or many people, talk about themselves is draining. Terribly so. That’s why, in the art of communication, boundaries are important. For one, as a listener, you don’t want to get bogged down. People sharing and never asking about you is a recipe for self-induced loneliness. Secondly, set boundaries for yourself as a speaker so that you don’t take advantage of people who listen, intentionally or not.
Now, being realistic, this will not always be a 50-50 dynamic. Sometimes one person will have more to give than you, but that also means sometimes you will have more to give than that other person. The key takeaway is to make sure you’re not solely a listener, but probably more applicable, that you are not solely a talker. Be slow to speak, and quick to listen.
Further Reading:
Ephesians 4:22-24
Romans 12:2
Proverbs 12:1
Proverbs 18:15
2 Timothy 3:16
Colossians 4:6
Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/lorenzoantonucci
Get in touch with him at aarondanthony.com and check out his debut short story anthology Honey Dreams on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.
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