When it comes to romance, our culture tends to prioritize physical attraction over everything. Chemistry. You simply can’t argue with it. If it’s there, the relationship is bound to succeed. And if it’s not, well, you might as well pack it in now.
The trouble is, that’s not how God designed us. Sure, physical attraction matters—God created it, after all—but it’s not the most important thing in a relationship. Character is.
Studies show that the effects of infatuation (whatever you call them—the butterflies, liver quivers, and honeymoon period) last, on average, about 18 months. Experts call this “limerence,” a time when your body releases all kinds of hormones that produce euphoric feelings of hope. You feel alive, unstoppable, impassioned. It’s truly a beautiful feeling. And it feels like it will last forever. But it’s a scientific fact: This is only a phase. What feels eternal and unchanging is actually a quickly ticking clock.
Relationships that are established on limerence quickly crumble when that time has passed. It’s not just that our physical beauty fades (though that is also a constant problem). More importantly, the effect of a person’s physical beauty fades. The sense of intoxication gradually evaporates. And no amount of Botox or Grecian formula can prevent this.
When that happens, many people assume they made the wrong choice. If they had found “the right person,” surely those feelings would have lasted forever! So they talk about “falling out of love” because it feels like it just sort of happened. And in a sense, it did. But what they lost wasn’t love, it was limerence.
If you’re looking for a love that lasts, you’ll never find it by building your relationship on chemistry. The butterflies will eventually fly away. The beauty will eventually fade. Instead, you’ll look for something more durable, something that becomes more attractive over the years, not less—character.
I know that talking about character feels distinctly un-sexy. It’s as if I’m saying, “Don’t think about the euphoria you get when you’re around that person! Forget how they make you feel inside! Instead, focus on how often they’re late for work!” I get it. Character feels boring, even irrelevant for romance. But trust me, It won’t take long at all for you to realize how vital character is.
Fellow pastor Matt Chandler says that during his treatment for brain cancer several years ago, he realized that his good looks and his wife, Lauren’s, physical beauty were utterly meaningless to them. He says,
When I got cancer, everything that was sexy about me vanished for 2 years—my strength, my vibrancy, my sense of humor, even my hair … I became a shriveled up version of what I had been. But Lauren had entered into a covenant with me, and she loved the character that God had formed in my heart. All that mattered in that chapter of our marriage was her character and mine. Character sustained the marriage, fueling and reigniting all the rest.
Maybe you’ve met a new person and think, “Oh, he’s so cute with that six-pack …” or “Oh, she’s so cute with her long hair …” or “I melt when they smile at me!” All of that may be true. But when you’re on your way to the emergency room at 3 a.m. because your spouse or your kid is unwell, none of that will matter. All that is going to matter to you is if they’re the kind of person who can petition God in prayer, a spiritual rock you can lean on as you trust the promises of God together.
My wife, Veronica, has always been beautiful. She’s several numbers higher than I am on the 1–10 scale, for sure. But there’s no denying reality: We are getting older. And yet, there’s a beauty in Veronica’s character that just gets more beautiful each year. Her body has given birth to four children, which any woman will tell you has a lifelong effect. But what I see is a body that has sacrificed itself for 24 years to serve our family—and that’s even more beautiful than what I fell in love with in college.
You ask, “J.D., are you saying physical attraction means nothing? I should only date someone because of their love for Jesus?” No, not at all. God created physical attraction. No one wants to hear, “I don’t really find you physically attractive, but your quiet time routine is on point.” Pursue someone you’re attracted to physically, yes, but what should attract you first and most is their character.
We see this in Song of Songs. In chapter 1:6, the woman says, “Do not gaze at me because I am dark, because the sun has looked upon me. My mother's sons were angry with me; they made me keeper of the vineyards, but my own vineyard I have not kept!” (ESV). It’s funny how beauty standards change from culture to culture and over time, isn’t it? Today, many of us seek a tan, laying out in the sun or spraying ourselves with weird chemicals. In the time of Song of Songs, however, a tan was unflattering because it meant someone worked in the fields they were poor.
The bottom line is that this woman is insecure about how she looks. In verse 9, the man responds, “I compare you, my love, to a mare among Pharaoh's chariots.” That may not translate to the 21st century, so I’m not suggesting you compare your partner to a horse. But the author is making a point: The Egyptian pharaoh had white mares that pulled his personal chariot. They were the most beautiful horses in the world and believed to be from the garden of the gods themselves. In other words, this man is saying that his woman, who sees herself as ugly, is beautiful in his sight.
If I listed out all the qualities I love most about Veronica, near the top would certainly be how I feel about myself with her. She’s my biggest fan. She’ll tell me when I’m wrong, and we get into it sometimes, but she’s my most constant encourager. From the very beginning, she’s helped me see the unique way God has shaped me and helped me believe in what he has for me. Like everyone else, I have flaws and insecurities, and we talk about those, but she calls out my strengths, too. She makes me feel “like a mare among Pharaoh’s chariots,” or whatever the male version of that is. (A stallion? A stud?)
Whoever you’re spending your life with, make sure it’s someone who locks in on that inner beauty, that unique manifestation of God’s image in you, and calls it out.
One last note is worth mentioning here. As you look around for a person of character to date, realize that other people should be doing exactly the same thing. Just as important as finding a person of integrity is being a person of integrity. After all, why would someone filled with honesty, integrity, and wisdom want to be with someone who lacks all of that?
Your character matters, of course, far beyond the dating world. But it matters in dating, too. So don’t only ask, “What kind of person am I looking for?” Make sure you also ask, as Andy Stanley suggests, “Am I becoming the person that the person I’m looking for is looking for?”
Photo Credit: SWN Design
Pastor J.D. completed his Ph.D. in Theology at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. He serves as a member of the Board of Directors of Chick-fil-A, serves as a Council member for The Gospel Coalition, and recently served as the 62nd president of the Southern Baptist Convention. Pastor J.D. and his wife Veronica are raising four awesome kids.
"Editor's Note: Pastor JD Greear's "Ask the Pastor" column regularly appears at Christianity.com, providing biblical, relatable, and reliable answers to your everyday questions about faith and life. Email him your questions at [email protected]."
Settle the Most Important Question of Your Life
Have you ever wrestled with doubt about your salvation? Wondered if you’ve truly given your heart to Jesus? You’re not alone. In his book, Stop Asking Jesus Into Your Heart, Pastor J.D. Greear offers biblical clarity and reassurance about what it really means to be saved—so you can live with confidence in God’s promises.
When you give a gift of $35 or more to support this ministry, we’ll send you a copy of this powerful book as our way of saying thank you. Your generosity helps share the life-changing message of the gospel through Summit Life radio, TV, and podcasts.
Give today and take hold of the assurance God wants for you!
