To begin addressing this topic, we must first define what exactly is narcissism. According to Merriam-Webster, one who is narcissistic is “extremely self-centered with an exaggerated sense of self-importance.”
Though modern psychologists have deemed narcissism a personality disorder, one can see that at its core it is the sin of pride, conflating self above others, which is the antithesis to the Gospel of Jesus. So, what happens when narcissism enters the church? It can lead to varying forms of abuse such as: spiritual, emotional, physical, and sexual.
What Does Narcissism Look Like?
Before we delve into the ramifications of narcissistic leaders, we must also realize that it can be prevalent within our own hearts as well. Jesus warns in Matthew 7:5 to “first take the beam of wood out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take the splinter out of your brother’s eye” (CSB).
Have you ever left a church because the worship service didn’t speak to you? Or it wasn’t your style? How about when you thought the pastor was not very charismatic (i.e., boring)? Stop and ask yourself — is worship about you or about God? The reality is that we can all fall into the trap of narcissism if we are not careful.
It is why Paul warns in Philippians 2:3 to “do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant that yourselves” (CSB). Anyone can be tempted by power and status because our sin nature is selfish. How do we avoid it?
1. Pray. Earnestly seek the Lord’s wisdom for any blind spots within your character. The Holy Spirit is faithful to convict, but we must have our hearts tuned to listen.
2. Have a system of accountability in place with like-minded believers that are not just yes-men is the vitally important practical application for Proverbs 27:17 — “Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another” (CSB).
1. Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse occurs when anyone distorts God’s Word to fit their own agenda rather than dividing through proper exegesis. It is seen most prominently when discussing the biblical principle of submission.
According to Ephesians 5:22-24, biblical submission is within the confines of marriage — “wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He [Jesus] is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything” (CSB).
Unfortunately, too many times purported Bible scholars have stopped at verse 24 and deemed it biblically mandated that husbands must rule over their wives. However, considering Ephesians 5:25-28, we see that God intended husbands to be loving, servant leaders of their families, willing to die to self for the good of those under their authority just as Jesus did.
To take it a step further, there are those seriously misguided within Christianity that would say that the act of a woman submitting to a man extends beyond marriage — without mincing words, this is a lie from Satan.
Shortly after graduating high school, I began my very first serious relationship with a young man who grew up as a missionary kid. We would often talk of the future. He would insist that I would have to always defer to him on every single issue once married, yet he would follow that by saying he would not need to discuss things with me.
His usual example would be that any purchase I would make, regardless of cost, would have to be run by him first. Conversely, he could theoretically go out and purchase a boat on a whim if he so chose without consulting with me.
If I came back with a rebuttal on how that was not fair, he would immediately say things such as — “well, then you would be acting in an ungodly way. Don’t you want to be a godly wife?” It was my first time experiencing spiritual abuse.
I now know that it was a red flag for spiritual abuse from a man looking to exploit and abuse the headship given by God. Friends, this is not what God had in mind when he said, “wives submit to your husbands.”
Thankfully, I got out of that awful situation and, eventually, the Lord brought my husband into my life. It is infinitely easier to submit to a man who loves you as Jesus loves the church.
2. Narcissistic Leadership
Another red flag of spiritual abuse within the church can be a my-way-or-the-highway leader. If I were to imagine a biblical figure that epitomized narcissistic behavior it would certainly be the Pharisees — puffed up superiority stemming from their extensive knowledge of the Law, only to neglect the self-reflection that Jesus challenged them with when they so readily pointed out the sins of others, while ignoring their own (John 8:3-11).
My husband is the pastor of a rural Southern Baptist church. They are such a loving, Holy Spirit-filled congregation in which God has so graciously placed us to serve. At the time that my husband was called to serve at our church, we had been in Fort Worth for seminary for close to a decade.
Some of the deepest hurts that I have ever experienced came from future co-laborers that were on that campus. I expected to be taken under the wing of caring elder sisters in Christ, those that had been in the trenches of ministry, who could offer sage advice to a young believer.
What I found, instead, was that I did not fit the mold that the leadership of this institution deemed appropriate for a pastor’s wife. I was told by the, then, president’s wife, that my skill of coaching sports was of no use to women such as herself, but that maybe someone could find some use for it.
It was crushing. You see narcissism can even come in the form of proposed standards from those in leadership — those that are meant to be trusted and respected. The Pharisees of Jesus’ time were also deeply concerned with appearances; thereby, shunning those they deemed less than perfect (Mark 2:15-17). Sadly, this sounds a little too familiar in many churches today.
If there is someone within your congregation, be it a leader or layperson, who has everyone so intimidated that the thought of questioning them could lead to becoming unemployed and/or ostracized within that community, then, I urge you to pray for discernment on how to proceed. Staying quiet will only aid the abuse.
3. Sexual Abuse
Israel’s greatest earthly king, David, succumbed to his own narcissism when he knowingly chose to take the wife of another man simply because he so desired (2 Samuel 11). David’s sin of pride and covetousness led to abuse of power and eventually murder (2 Samuel 11:15).
His story should serve as a stark reminder that even those who set out to whole-heartedly serve the Lord can fall into the trap of narcissism if they foolishly take their eyes off Jesus and arrogantly turn them inward.
One of the greatest evils that plagues the church today is the wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing that abuses those under his care. Over the last couple of years, there has been much-needed light shone into the despicable coverups within certain organizations. Narcissism within the church leaves a trail of rightfully angry, disillusioned, broken, and abused victims.
We as the body of Christ must be vigilant and willing to speak out when we see these warning signs within the church body. Growing up during my softball days, my parents would admonish me to keep quiet when an opponent would purposefully step on my ankle or run into me at first base.
Their words — “let it go, Amanda, don’t say anything” — were hard to understand and accept. I recognized later that their advice came from a place of being abused themselves in different ways throughout their lives.
Some folks are not strong enough to stand up when they see injustices happen; however, I believe that as Christians endowed with the power of the Holy Spirit, we are able to rightly discern what is holy and what is evil.
And with that, we are to boldly speak the truth in the face of that evil. No, matter the cost. At the end of the day, what’s more important? Keeping the reputation of the good old boys’ club intact or the souls of the abused? I know who my God wants to be protected and it’s not some man-made construct of American church culture. It’s His children.
Call Out the Wolves
Narcissism can be an arrogant pastor on a power trip and not the humble servant-leader like Christ as we are warned in Proverbs 16:18 — “Pride comes before destruction, and an arrogant spirit before a fall” (CSB).
It can be a wealthy member who believes that his or her worldly wealth makes them the CEO of the church, forgetting that we are all equal co-heirs in the blood of Christ.
At the broadest level, narcissism within a church will ensure that the mission of the church is no longer gospel-focused, rather focused on the narcissist. May we be vigilant and discerning in calling out the wolves among the sheep.
For further reading:
What Are Modern Examples of a ‘Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing’?
What Is Spiritual Abuse and How Can We Recognize it in the Church?
How Do We Show Love to Toxic People?
Why Should Nothing Be Done Out of Selfish Ambition?
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Olivier Le Moal
