We all probably know what it feels like to walk into a new place and not feel welcome. It can be frustrating, embarrassing, and even confusing, especially if you are in a place where you expect to be over the top with hospitality.
Some of the places that I have visited where I felt unwelcome the most often have been automobile repair shops (where you would think they really wanted my money and business) and fast-food restaurants (where the customer was supposed to come first).
I can also remember feeling like an outsider at some community sports games that I went to watch, and I was even there to support the home team!
I have also felt unwelcome in some homes that I have visited. There were times that I knew that the visit was going to be unpleasant anyway because I was only there in the aftermath of a tragedy or because of a difficult conversation that needed to take place.
And there were other times that I felt unwelcome because the home belonged to a stranger that I was randomly visiting early on a Saturday morning to knock on the door and invite to a church event.
But sadly, the place that many people feel the least welcome is not in a business or home but in a church building. This even leads to some people leaving the church.
This is so difficult to deal with because most people assume (and rightfully so) that a church is supposed to be loving, caring, and welcoming because the God they say they follow is loving, caring, and welcoming. Not only that, but many people that visit a church are familiar with the Bible enough to know that it teaches Christians to be hospitable.
For example, Paul says in Romans 12:13 to "contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality," Peter similarly says to "show hospitality to one another without grumbling" (1 Peter 4:9), and Paul tells church leaders to set the standard of hospitality for their congregation (1 Timothy 3:2).
Or if nothing else, many people inside as well as outside the church are familiar with the parable of the “Good Samaritan” that Jesus taught, which instructs us to go and be a kind neighbor (Luke 10).
According to Dictionary.com, hospitality is friendliness, reception, warmness, and generosity to strangers and guests — not to friends or people you already know.
But despite God's loving nature and despite the principles and instructions about love and hospitality in Scripture, we all know that there really are some churches that we will visit where we will not feel welcome at all. So why is that?
After being in the "people business" for many years (working in restaurants, camps, and churches), it has been my experience that people are not hospitable to guests for one of six reasons.
1. They Are Being Self-Centered
Let's start with the harshest (and I think rare) option because it is probably the easiest conclusion to jump to first. There are people that are simply not allowing God’s love to work his way through them, resulting in self-centeredness and self-focus that puts off other people.
The reasoning behind this attitude could be that they are new or immature in their faith, they are struggling with shame and guilt from their own sin, or they are not even Christians.
Whatever the reason, the lack of godliness (or lack of God in someone at all) will result in a lack of attributes such as love, patience, kindness, and gentleness (all of which are pieces of the fruit of the Spirit from Galatians 5 that would enable someone to be hospitable).
The resolution for this problem is for the unloving person to have an encounter with Jesus, who alone can save and change.
2. They Do Not Know How to Be Friendly
Some people did not get the privilege of growing up in an environment where they were taught what you might consider basic manners or people skills. Sometimes that is because of a broken home or simply a different culture or sub-culture.
Others may have been taught how to be polite, but because it was not modeled for them, they never put it into practice. Still, others have developed a callousness and coldness in response to difficult life events.
Whatever the reason for their ignorance, this is an opportunity for individuals in the church to come alongside them to disciple and train them on how to be more welcoming and friendly to others.
3. They Are Introverted
While being introverted is never an excuse to be impolite or rude, it is true some people’s personalities really do affect their hospitality to others in certain larger-group settings (such as church gatherings) where there are a lot of people they may not know.
It is common for some people to be comfortable enough to be talkative around people they already know while also being shy and quiet around strangers.
While most people that are naturally introverted can learn how to cope and become friendly to strangers (and many have to because of their job), it may be wiser for a church to simply not put them on a greeting team where they have to be the front line of friendliness.
4. They Are Insecure or Intimidated
Personality is not the only factor that holds some people back from being hospitable — for others; it is fear. Because of past hurts and hang-ups, some people keep to themselves when they are around people, and they do not know for fear of saying the wrong words, attracting unwelcome attention, or doing something awkward that would embarrass them.
If someone is insecure and intimidated, then others in the church must help them find freedom and victory from those things by befriending them, involving them in a small group to get more comfortable with people, and lovingly encouraging them with scriptural truth, such as 2 Timothy 1:7 that tells us that God does not give us the “spirit of fear and timidity,” but of “power, love, and self-discipline.”
5. They Assume Someone Else Will Do It
One of the most debilitating beliefs that many Christians have is the view that (whatever it is), someone else will do it.
Sometimes this is understandable because someone else has always done it, sometimes this is from a place of immaturity because they do not yet understand their calling or giftedness, and other times this is because of an aloof hands-up-in-the-air “it’s not my problem” type attitude.
However, the cause of this assumption can also be insufficient leadership above them that has not led them to see the need to step into that role. To combat this attitude, the church leadership must help the church body see the need for being hospitable and develop a culture of friendliness to guests.
6. They Feel a Little Bit Like Outsiders Themselves
The sad reality is that in churches that do not have a great sense of togetherness, or it is difficult for anyone to become part of the tight-knit family (or clique), then anyone that is new that has not been integrated into the church body yet still feels like an outsider themselves.
Because of that, they most likely will not feel the freedom or responsibility of being hospitable to even newer people that they do not know — sometimes because they aren’t sure if those new people are outsiders like them or part of the “in” crowd already (which creates a cycle of inhospitality).
Hopefully, someone that is new to a church will take the initiative to get to know others and get involved. However, if those efforts are met with resistance and coldness from the current church body, then it may be time to go find another church.
It’s hard to be gracious when we feel like others are not gracious to us, and it is hard to be friendly when we do not think others are friendly to us.
This is when we need to have the kind of mindset that the “Good Samaritan” had in the parable that Jesus taught in Luke 10:25-37 that we mentioned earlier. In the story, Jesus was explaining to the crowd (and specifically a lawyer who asked a question) what it means to love our neighbors.
In the narration, a stranger was beaten up by some robbers and left to die beside a road. Although two religious people saw the hurting man, they did nothing about him. In fact, one of them intentionally walked away from the stranger so he wouldn’t have to even look at him.
However, an outsider from Samaria (a culture that the Jews did not care much for) saw him, went to him, had compassion for him, and went overboard to take care of him. After Jesus told the story, he asked the lawyer this question:
“Which of these three, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?” Of course, the man said, “The one who showed him mercy.” That is when Jesus responded with this challenge: “go, and do likewise.”
So if you are in a church that you do not think is particularly welcoming and hospitable to you, but you think you need to be there for other reasons, then maybe if you take the first step and initiate a conversation or connection instead of waiting on someone else (so go and be the neighbor), then you just might discover that others are in the same boat of immaturity, ignorance, introversion, intimidation, etc. and our hospitality might make a friend!
And as the writer of Hebrews tells us, when we show hospitality to strangers, we might even be "entertaining angels" without even knowing it! (Hebrews 13:2).
For further reading:
Why Do People Stop Going to Church?
Why Are There So Many Angry Pastors in the Church?
How Should Christians Respond to Toxic Positivity Within the Church?
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Keith Lance
