Emily grew up in church but slowly drifted away during her college years. She popped in and out of church buildings but never really found anything she would call “home.” That all changed when she went to a service at Krateo Church.
Krateo seemed like the perfect place—a tight-knit community that embraced her with open arms. The sermons were hard-hitting and relevant, and the worship was dynamic. It didn’t take long for Emily to get plugged in. She threw herself into church activities, joined Bible studies, volunteered in ministries, and began attending their leadership training.
For the first few months, everything felt right. The church was growing, and so was Emily. But slowly, when she became more committed, things began to change. To keep her from “outside distractions,” Emily was encouraged to distance herself from friends and family who were not yet part of the Krateo life. She chalked it up to a commitment to holiness and a desire to see her grow spiritually. She wanted to grow spiritually, so she was happy to spend her free time helping the church.
In December, Emily began dating a co-worker. Her budding romance prevented her from attending all of the events at Krateo. The leaders expressed their disappointment and implied that her spiritual growth was at risk if she was not fully devoted to the Krateo way. They subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, reminded her that “true followers of Christ sacrifice everything”. That likely meant she would need to sacrifice her new relationship with Paul, her co-worker.
With a promising relationship now ended, depression seemed to surround Emily. To alleviate these feelings, she threw herself into the activities at church. When the depression mixed with the exhaustion of activity, she attempted to share her struggles with one of the pastors. It was not encouraging. She was rebuked for not trusting in God and reminded that this resulted from dating someone not part of Krateo. She also said she needed to “trust the pastor’s vision” and not pull back. Questioning leadership, even slightly, was viewed as rebellion.
Over time, Emily felt she could no longer voice her thoughts or make decisions without the church's approval. It had become her only community, so she feared losing it. Though it made her feel uncomfortable, she was afraid to voice any concern when the pastors began scrutinizing her “worldly” spending. They had a new building project and needed greater giving—assuring Emily that God’s blessing would come, but it also would depend upon her giving. Any questions she had about the project's financial details were met with resistance.
The final blow for Emily came when she was diagnosed with a rare blood disorder. This would mean she had to step back from a few commitments. Rather than responding with care, the leaders chided her for giving in to this “spiritual attack.” They threatened her that “isolating herself” would keep her from healing and might lead to God’s judgment. Emily felt trapped. The church, which had once brought life, now felt like a prison.
Emily is a victim of spiritual abuse. Were there warning signs?
C.S. Lewis once said, “Don’t use words too big for the subject. Don’t say “infinitely” when you mean “very”; otherwise, you’ll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.” I think his words also apply to a subject like abuse. If we overuse the term, we will flatten it in such a way that we’re unable to call especially grievous instances what they are.
To this end, it is important to define spiritual abuse. One of the better ones that I’ve read comes from Michael Kruger:
Spiritual abuse, then, is when a spiritual leader— such as a pastor, elder, or head of a Christian organization — wields his position of spiritual authority in such a way that he manipulates, domineers, bullies, and intimidates those under him, as a means of accomplishing what he takes to be biblical and/or spiritual goals.[1]
Darby Strickland’s definition adds an important layer as well: “Spiritual abuse occurs when an oppressor establishes control and domination by using Scripture, doctrine or his “leadership role” as a weapon. This form of abuse can be subtle because it can mask itself as a religious practice.”[2]
I think it will be helpful for us to consider a few things, which are spiritual abuse, and then to give a few signs that you are in a culture that is susceptible to spiritual abuse. If some of these cultural things are present, it might not mean that you are being abused but rather that you are in an unhealthy culture. There is a difference. It is abuse when the person is using spiritual authority (or religion) to manipulate, coerce, control, and/or exploit you.
Let’s consider Emily’s story and dissect what was actually spiritual abuse.
At what point in Emily’s story do you think the spiritual abuse began? It’s hard to discern, isn’t it? That is the nature of this kind of abuse. It crosses between acceptable things and even what the gospel may require us—into something entirely different. Often, we can only see this in hindsight.
Perhaps my readers who are versed in Greek caught a little clue in the name of the church. Krateo is a word that can mean to possess power, but in the New Testament, it often means to apprehend or control something. We’re often attracted to power. We like certainty. And we like the security which power can often provide for us. However, that power was soon used against her in Emily's story.
One of her first clues should have been their tendency to isolate from friends and family. It became obvious when they interfered in her budding relationship with Paul. Again, the Bible does speak about healthy relationships. Church leaders certainly have the purview to provide counsel and direction. But a healthy leader seeks your good, offering wisdom and guidance while respecting your freedom to make those decisions. Conversely, control makes the decision for you and punishes you if you fail to follow.
Diagnostic Question: Does the preaching and counsel leave me in the hands of Christ or in the hands of the leadership?
Manipulation can also be difficult to detect. I gave you a little clue when I referred to the sermons as “hard-hitting but relevant.” From the outside, these sermons look like the pastor is passionate and standing upon truth. But after a prolonged exposure, you begin to realize that the Word of God is used against people instead of pointing to Christ. If you are not on the receiving end of a cudgel, you can likely justify it as a necessary fight against evil. But when you are the one experiencing those barbs, it takes on new meaning.
You can imagine a scenario where, after a conversation about her battle with depression and needing a break, she is treated to a sermon on “Giving It All for Christ.” None of the other congregants would know he was talking about Emily, but Emily would know. And it would signal to her that she is not safe to express any concerns. Her personal struggles were twisted to fit their narrative and to serve their ends.
Diagnostic Question: Is God’s Word used against others or to point to what Christ has accomplished?
Spiritual abuse thrives on fear—fear of God’s punishment, of losing your community, and of losing your standing with God. This is why those early movements of isolation were so important to maintain the abuse. It’s not only to shut out the outside and contrary points but also to make you entirely alone. In Emily’s case, this fear was used to control her actions. They implied that she would face spiritual consequences if she did not sacrifice enough or fully commit to the Krateo way.
Their lack of reciprocity compounded her fear. You can see in the story how many demands were placed on Emily—but these were entirely one-sided. When she needed her Krateo “family,” they were not there for her. She was expected to give time, energy, and resources but had no corresponding care from her leadership. The emptier she became, the more dependent she became on the group she found herself in. Every step she took felt like it was outside the boundaries and would lead to God’s disfavor. Because of this, she could blame all those feelings of emptiness, shame, and guilt for her actions instead of those of the leaders.
Diagnostic Question: Is your relationship with your church a partnership?
When we are being spiritually manipulated, controlled, and made to fear, this constitutes spiritual abuse. You can experience spiritual abuse across a spectrum of intensity. Some instances might be more subtle and cause minimal harm. Others could be severe and create lasting and significant harm. Often, the degree of severity is dependent on how deeply abuse is engrained in the culture of the church.
There are many signs that a church culture might be susceptible to abuse. That does not mean that abuse is happening, but only that the culture is ripe for it. Next month, we will consider these in more depth. For now, consider a few things from Emily’s story.
Did you notice that Krateo seems to have a culture of secrecy and “trust the leadership”? That is something present in almost every culture where significant abuse happens. A lack of information and transparency is usually there for a reason. Often, very dark secrets are being held. When you cannot ask questions, this is a red flag.
While Emily was withering away, you can almost guarantee that her leaders were “thriving.” Andy Crouch gives us some important words on this point:
The best test of any institution, and especially of any institution’s roles and rules for using power, is whether everyone flourishes when everyone indwells their roles and plays by the rules or whether only a few participants experience abundance and growth.[3]
Emily was fulfilling her roles and withering. Abundance and growth seemed to happen only in one direction—and when Emily was struggling, she was cast aside. If you are questioning whether or not you are in an abusive church, consider the question Crouch poses. If everyone does their “job,” would everyone thrive?
Join us next time for signs your church is susceptible to spiritual abuse.
This week on Jesus Calling, we’ll hear from two influential voices in the Christian community, Joe Dobbins and Aimee Byrd. Joe Dobbins, pastor of Twin Rivers Church in St. Louis, Missouri, and author of Hope After Church Hurt, shares he and his wife's painful experiences with their church and the healing process that followed. His insights provide a roadmap for those struggling with similar wounds, offering steps toward restoring faith and re-engaging with the church. Following Joe's story, our next guest is speaker, blogger, and podcaster Aimee Byrd. Aimee opens up about her lifelong journey of searching for belonging in the church, and how she learned through trials and painful hurts that God wants us to ask questions, and even though we might be scarred by those who twist truths to facilitate how they think we should live, we can find our way back to God and what He says about how we were meant to live. If you like what you hear, be sure to subscribe to Jesus Calling on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode!
[1] https://michaeljkruger.com/what-is-spiritual-abuse/
[2] https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/what-is-spiritual-abuse-in-marriage/
[3] Andy Crouch, Playing God, 185
Photo Credit: ©Priscilla du Preez/Unsplash
Mike Leake is husband to Nikki and father to Isaiah and Hannah. He is also the lead pastor at Calvary of Neosho, MO. Mike is the author of Torn to Heal and Jesus Is All You Need. His writing home is http://mikeleake.net and you can connect with him on Twitter @mikeleake. Mike has a new writing project at Proverbs4Today.