Setting boundaries has become a constant topic among mental health care professionals and counselors. As people deal with family or coworkers, abuses happen. These counselors encourage individuals to set healthy boundaries with those who have “crossed a line,” as it were.
At the same time, the Bible tells us to forgive others. Looking at God as a model, this forgiveness seems radical and limitless. However, we also must consider how radical forgiveness interacts with setting boundaries with people. Does our forgiveness necessitate removing healthy boundaries? We can find guidance on this question when we look to the scriptures which will help us learn how to maintain both.
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To forgive means to release a person from the debt of their wrongdoing and gives the possibility of reconciliation. In Old Testament Hebrew, the most common word for forgiveness is salach, which the text primarily uses for God’s forgiveness. Salach means the pardoning of sin with God’s mercy and grace. Like in Psalm 103:12 where the writer says, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” Salach points to God’s complete forgiveness toward restoration with humanity.
In Greek, the New Testament mostly uses aphiemi, meaning, “to let go, send away, or release.” This active term expresses forgiveness as a choice to dismiss a person’s sin or offense. Jesus addresses this in his teaching on prayer in Mathew 6:12: “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgive our debtors.” A second common Greek word translated to forgiveness is charizomai, from the root word charis or grace. Charizomai conveys the idea of freely and willingly granting a pardon. Colossians 3:13 teaches this with, “Forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Forgiveness is a choice to excuse a wrong so relationship can be fully restored, releasing someone from a debt in love and grace. Forgiveness also gives up the right to seek revenge or recompense. This includes both the vertical and horizontal. Through Jesus’ sacrifice, believers are reconciled to God through repentance and confession. Then, Christians can extend this same forgiveness to others.
Humanity requires forgiveness because sin (disobedience of the Creator) separates us from God and others. Without forgiveness, the separation and burdens remain, preventing restoration of our relationship with God. God’s forgiveness completely removes the eternal penalty of sin and restores right relationship when people repent.
In the same way, people need forgiveness from one another because of sins committed against others. This can restore relationships. For the person wronged, unforgiveness leads to bitterness and division—more sin, ironically. Forgiveness allows healing. Forgiveness frees both the forgiver and the forgiven, releasing the weight of sin and offense. Through forgiveness, people reveal God’s greater grace and the Gospel.
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Forgiveness and reconciliation are interconnected, but forgiveness alone doesn’t reconcile people. Reconciliation requires something more.
Forgiveness removes the initial barrier of bitterness that keeps people from restoring relationship. Unforgiveness kills any hope for reconciliation.
However, forgiveness is one-sided, depending only on the choice of the one who was wronged, not the offender. People can forgive people even if the person in the wrong doesn't repent or seek to make amends. Doing this frees the one being forgiven and paves the way for a restored relationship but doesn’t guarantee it. For example, Jesus forgave the soldiers who drove the nails into his hands and feet, saying, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34) Those individuals didn’t ask for his forgiveness, yet Jesus lovingly provided it. At the same time, his forgiveness alone didn’t make those people Christians.
Reconciliation takes two people, one to remove the grudge and the other to take responsibility for the offense. Without these two elements, trust can’t be restored. The relationship remains broken. As Paul says in Romans 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” This acknowledges how a person can only do their part. No one can force another to be reconciled, even if forgiven. Sometimes, the other person refuses to change or even admit being wrong. In such cases, Christians can have peace if they do their best to show love.
As an extreme example, an abused spouse can forgive the abuser without returning to the relationship or placing themselves back in a dangerous or toxic situation, especially if the guilty party won’t change or doesn’t believe they need to.
Think of Jesus, who died for those who might believe. He went through the process without forcing anyone to return to him and experience eternal life, even though if anyone could make us turn, he could. But that wouldn’t be a relationship. God’s forgiveness is universally available, but reconciliation depends on confession of sin (admitting the wrong) and repentance (turning back to God and doing right).
Just as this doesn’t make God weak but loving, freely forgiving someone who doesn’t repent isn’t weakness. Nor does it enable wrongdoing. Instead, it expresses God’s love and the desire to live in peace without unforgiveness or bitterness.
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Even before the Fall, God gave Adam and Eve boundaries. They hadn’t sinned, yet he told them what not to touch: the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Therefore, boundaries alone don’t have to stem from wrongdoing. Setting boundaries based on what is right and good can simply be a wise decision.
For example, as a married man, I set boundaries in my life to stay away from the appearance of impropriety to protect my marriage and others, as well. This isn’t because anyone has sinned but to lovingly make sure I keep my vows and have a healthy marriage.
Boundaries set limits to protect our emotional, physical, spiritual, and relational health. Through this, we define what is acceptable and what isn’t. Healthy boundaries shouldn’t be to punish anyone but to make sure relationships remain healthy. These healthy boundaries should respect people’s rights and dignity, in love, not out of fear or seeking to control. A person with healthy boundaries understands responsibilities without stepping into areas they have no business managing.
Boundaries apply to every area of life, protecting people from abuse and empowering them to honor God with their lives. Proverbs 4:23 teaches the principle of guarding your heart, how people must take personal responsibility for what influences them. God’s commandments, like the original ten, guide God’s people in living holy lives in right relationship with God and the community. God’s boundaries exist for humanity’s benefit. He desires abundance and goodness.
When people ignore boundaries, they violate the dignity of the image of God, leading to various kinds of harm and broken trust. The Bible warns about these things. “Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.” (Proverbs 25:17) Wisdom includes respecting others’ space and limits. The Old Testament law specifically dignifies ownership and forbids disrespecting borders and land boundaries (Deuteronomy 19:4). And when people lost their land from bad choices, the Year of Jubilee restores everyone’s borders and ownership (Leviticus 25).
After the Fall, God added boundaries to Adam and Eve—exile from the Garden paradise. Sometimes people need to be given boundaries due to destructive behavior and actions. This is done in love, to protect ourselves or others and to make clear to the person what is right and wrong. In 1 Corinthians 5:1-13, Paul tells the church to remove a man from fellowship since he was engaged in sexual sin. The apostle makes his motives clear, to protect the church community and to encourage the man’s repentance, a redemptive act. In the same way, any boundaries Christians give should be based in forgiveness and be redemptive, not punitive.
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All sin has its root in disobedience to God. Even abuses of one another reflects a sin against the Creator who made all things and humanity in his image.
Forgiveness, then, begins with God, and it is a divine act, including when we must forgive other people. In our own human weakness, it can be difficult to let go of hurt and betrayal. We need God’s help to truly forgive and see people as he does—broken but valuable. With God’s perspective, no person remains unredeemable. God reveals his forgiveness by offering it freely through Christ, and he gives us the ability to do the same through the Holy Spirit and sharing his divine nature with us. In addition, knowing God’s forgiveness to us, who also didn’t deserve it, helps us approach conflict in the right way.
We forgive in our hearts first. It becomes a personal and willing decision to release the offender from their sin debt, at least as it pertains to us. Forgiveness doesn’t require an apology or change from the other person. I need to free my own heart from anger and bitterness, independent of anyone else’s actions. It’s important to note our forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending wrong didn’t happen. In fact, forgiveness assumes a wrong happened. Letting go of sin reveals our surrender to God’s peace and justice.
From this internal decision, our forgiveness leads to action. We can express grace through kind actions, words, and prayer for those who have wronged us. Paul experienced abuses and oppression, and he teaches in Romans 12:20, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.”
Acting with love, we still use wisdom to make sure we don’t enable sin or place people in unsafe situations. This might require setting healthy boundaries. This can look like limiting contact, clearly communicating what behavior is acceptable, or even removing ourselves if we need to. Jesus withdrew from crowds and confronted sin directly when appropriate, as we see in his conflicts with Jewish religious leaders. In this way, we can express forgiveness while refusing to enable wrongdoing, at least with things we have control over. Loving people includes holding people accountable.
And these boundaries must be continually reevaluated in prayer and spiritual discernment. As we spoke of earlier, Paul had the church remove a person, but in the next letter he told them to forgive and restore him to the community (2 Corinthians 2:5-11). Boundaries can shift as people change, and they rebuild trust through consistent action.
God gives boundaries and offers forgiveness, and since he’s not divided, these things don’t contradict each other. In fact, we should include them both in our relationships with people. Through these together, we honor God and offer others the opportunity for grace and growth.
Peace.
Further Reading
What Does the Bible Say about Forgiveness?
The Power of Forgiveness
7 Ways to Set Boundaries with Grace
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