(The following is a transcript of the video above, edited for readability)
I have been a widow for five and a half years now, and sometimes people ask me, "What can the church do? How can the church help?" I will have to say that our church has been fabulous. They have loved me and my children through this in a way that's just really remarkable. I'm very grateful for that. I suppose I speak from a position of someone who has been loved well. What does that look like, if that can be helpful?
I would say one thing is to pray for the widow, for the children, whoever's left behind, and let them know that you're praying for them. That has meant so much to me, when people just even passing me in the hall at church just said, "Hey, I've been praying for you." Just to know that you're not alone and that your brothers and sisters are with you and care enough to pray for you is really huge.
Everybody grieves differently and in different ways, on different timetables. For some women, it's painful to have their husband's clothes still in the closet, and so they should clear them out as soon as they can. For other women, it's really nice to have them still around, it's comforting to still see them there, so they should leave them there until they're ready to clear them out. I think it's easy for people to look at someone who's hurting and want to fix them, and doing that out of love. They hate to see them hurt and they have ideas about how to hurry them along through the process. I would say don't do that. Let each person grieve the way they grieve, don't rush them.
I would guess that most widows will want to talk about their husbands. Now again, everybody's individual and there may be women who don't want to, but I would bet people probably do. I think for those who are trying to comfort someone in grief, you're never really sure, "Should I bring this up? Should I not bring it up? Should I mention his name? I don't know what will be helpful." I've advised widows, if you want to talk about your husband, take the lead, talk about him and then people will know you want to. But in the absence of that, you could at least say, "Are you comfortable talking about so and so?" Then share memories, share things you appreciate about him. I think that nine times out of 10, probably more than that, it will be comforting to the widow.
I found and I think my family found that we existed in three modes, functioned in three modes, sometimes more than one at a time and they would rotate through an unpredictable order. But one was just doing life, doing the next thing, getting up, getting to school, getting to work, making a meal, doing your homework, whatever it was, just functioning, doing the next thing that had to be done.
A second mode was just being sad and being okay with being sad, facing that sadness and not trying to suppress it, not trying to hide from it or run away from it or keep ourselves so busy we didn't have time to think about it, but sometimes just taking time to be sad, to cry alone or together, cry with friends, and not to try to get away from that, but to let that grief be real and be processed.
Then the third mode was just recognizing the hope and the glory of heaven and the resurrection, and really celebrating that and knowing that's where Al is. He is in the throne room now, worshiping the lamb face to face, and that's where we're going. I'm sorry to cry. But just knowing that it may seem like a long time, but the time will be short and we'll be together again. The scope of eternity will be a blip, and just really looking forward to that and letting the hope of the resurrection spill back into the now.
I think we rotated through each of those modes, functioned in each of them. I would say people can look for ways to join the widow in each of them. When it's doing life, just practical stuff, "Can I come help you rake your leaves? Do you need help trimming the hedge?" Just saying, "Hey, I'm good at computers, I have a feeling you're probably not. Here's my card, put it right next to your computer. When you have trouble, feel free to give me a call," something like that, just practical stuff. Bring a meal, drop a card, make a call, shoot an email, something like that.
Sometimes if, here I am again, sorry, if the widow is feeling sad, be sad with her and don't be afraid of that. It's scary, because grief can be very painful. I would imagine it's very scary to think of joining somebody in that and not shying away from it, but just looking the sadness in the face and saying, "This is real, I'm really sorry. I hurt with you," but also reminding her of the hope of heaven and just the amazing promise of the resurrection. Sorry. Just I would say walking alongside her in each of those functions.
1 Thessalonians says, "I want you to grieve as those who do not have hope." It doesn't say don't grieve. It's okay to grieve, I think we should grieve, but grieve with hope. That makes an enormous difference. Just to walk side by side with her and recognize that death is the enemy, but death doesn't have a sting anymore because of Jesus. That's huge.
www.wts.edu
www.christianity.com
(Article first published March 25, 2013)
What Does the Bible Say about Caring for Widows?
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. (James 1:27)
Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. (1 Timothy 5:3)
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. (Psalm 68:5)
Leave your fatherless children; I will keep them alive. Your widows too can depend on me. (Jeremiah 49:11)
Do not take advantage of the widow or the fatherless. (Exodus 22:22)
Woe to those who make unjust laws, to those who issue oppressive decrees, to deprive the poor of their rights and withhold justice from the oppressed of my people, making widows their prey and robbing the fatherless. (Isaiah 10:1-2)
Cursed is anyone who withholds justice from the foreigner, the fatherless or the widow. (Deuteronomy 27:19a)
The LORD watches over the foreigner and sustains the fatherless and the widow, but he frustrates the ways of the wicked. (Psalm 146:9)
Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow. (Isaiah 1:17)
(Excerpted from "Bible Verses about Widows" from BibleStudyTools.com)
Further Reading:
9 Things to Know About a Widow’s Grief
What Do Widows in the Bible Teach Us about Loss?
7 Ways You Can Help Widows in Your Church
Photo Credit: Getty Images/itakdalee
