Anyone who has ever had to tell someone a difficult truth understands dread. How will the person receive a truth so painful to accept? Will emotion get the better of me so that I deliver the message poorly? Should I reconsider? Maybe I’m the problem? When the other party is skilled at evasion and apt not to take responsibility, the entire process becomes more difficult. Here are 5 tips for establishing some parameters in such a case, and they come directly from Scripture, where confrontation was a fact of life (and, temporarily, death) for our Savior.
1. Consider Your Motive
Paul’s writing provides insight into the problems facing the new church and its believers, some arising out of misunderstanding, some purely out of sin. They had problems with false leaders, sexual immorality, strife between believers, and more. Paul, writing a strongly-worded letter of rebuke and discipline to the Corinthian church, stated, “Our authority builds you up; it doesn’t tear you down.” The result for Paul was that he was not “ashamed of using [his] authority.” (2 Corinthians 10:8) That is, Paul’s motive was to help and to heal, not to bring shame.
If you are a manager, a parent, a spouse, or a friend thinking about confronting an employee, child, spouse, or friend about a problem, ask yourself whether you aim to build that person up or knock that person down. Good conflict resolution starts with examining the heart. “Search me, God, and know my heart” (Psalm 139:23). Pause, pray, and think. Some tough conversations will wait, providing a chance (if you are angry) to calm down and reflect.
And in that time of praying, the Lord might reveal a motive which is unjust such as bias or pressure to please others. Maybe you want to feel superior and hostile to this individual, like the elder brother in the Parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32) As Tim Keller explains, the older brother does not approve of the way the father spends his inheritance on a feast to celebrate his brother’s return. In other words, the older brother’s heart is cold towards the father and the younger brother; he resents his financial losses rather than rejoicing at the return of his brother. As a result, the older son regards his father with disrespect, haughtiness, and superiority.
2. Pull Out The Plank
Maybe you are not cold and resentful. Perhaps there is a real issue at stake, there can still be a taint of sin in your perspective. Preparing for conflict really does start with some deep inner reflection. Ask the Lord to “see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:24) Jesus told his listeners in Matthew 7:5 not to be so concerned about the sin of others: “First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.” Not only are we hypocrites when we hone in on another person’s behavior without addressing our own, but we also fail to see clearly.
There is always a chance that the situation you think is unfolding actually looks very different when you have all the information. Remember when Jacob saw his brother Esau approaching with his army and prepared for conflict? “He divided the children among Leah and Rachel and the two female servants. And he put the servants with their children in front, then Leah with her children, and Rachel and Joseph last of all.” (Genesis 33:1-2) Yet, Esau wanted to reconcile. Jacob expended a considerable amount of thought and energy preparing to defend his family and servants against Esau’s imagined wrath.
Conflict is always bad, but we need to think before we speak or act. It is far easier to prevent problems by being slow to speak (James 1:19) than to fix them if we act too quickly. Don’t nurture anger and then create a situation to satisfy that emotion.
3. A Loving Approach
Among the many compelling aspects of David Powlison’s approach to counseling was this: “I must care. I must love. I must treat with respect. . . . It has been life and joy for me to come to Christian understandings—I want my readers to share the same, to know the goodness and wisdom of the same Savior who mercifully found me.” Good Christian counseling involves some confronting - some potential for conflict. If a client really wants to overcome addiction (for example), he or she cannot merely lay responsibility for childhood abuse, grief at the loss of a spouse, or chronic pain. There is also a responsibility on the client’s part to make changes, to grow: to repent of sin and let God do a sanctifying work.
Powlison’s approach started with a redemptive purpose: to inspire hope and change. Since the second greatest commandment is to love our neighbor, and our neighbor is right in front of us, then our objective is to love the person with whose actions or attitude we have a problem. We cannot make others want to change, but we have to want it for their sake. This is one of the hardest parts of relationships, personal or professional: lovingly confronting sin in a way that is hopeful but not controlling.
Jesus exemplified this approach by healing a person, exhorting him or her not to sin, and then leaving it to that individual to make changes without micromanaging. When there is deep, deep trouble (such as the man in the graveyard), we see him sit with that person and give counsel. He always respectfully and lovingly considered each person, yet Jesus honored the dignity and autonomy of individuals, realizing they needed a firm but gentle intervention, not a lecture, not shaming, not hostility, which makes a person turn away resentfully.
4. Letting Go
The result is out of our hands, however; we cannot approach this important meeting with a disruptive employee or pornography-addicted spouse as a kind of deal with God. We cannot say, “If I do this, Lord, you MUST make my husband/wife/employee behave better.” For one thing, God is not a genie in a lamp. He calls the shots. We step out in faith as believers. We pray and we ask for help from God and from wiser people than ourselves. We get our own hearts right with God, and then we pursue what is best for everyone involved while sending a message of grace, mercy, love, and self-control. Everything leading to this point presents an opportunity to grow in our relationship with the Savior, to trust him more, and to recognize that HE is enough. Although we want to see change for the better, that’s not ours to control.
But ours is a transactional and results-oriented culture. We expect to see our efforts rewarded on our terms and we put God in a box. Even as believers we do this, and yet Christ’s example is completely opposite. Paul wrote that “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8) We need to approach our friends, spouses, children, or employees with the same affection and intention. While they are still sinning, we will still care about them enough to try and stop them from self-destructing. We will speak up in order to protect others, even if we get yelled at or the individual punishes us in some way by giving us the cold shoulder, resigning from work, or saying cruel things.
And, as Christians, we adopt this approach whether the other party is a believer or not. Jesus died for us all while we were yet sinners. Only those who believe in him alone for salvation will be saved by his blood, but that salvific work is available to everyone on the basis of grace alone. Who knows: the unbeliever in the hot seat might actually meet Christ as reflected in the way a Christian handles such a delicate and difficult situation?
5. Keep Praying
In Matthew 5:44, Jesus is recorded as saying, “Pray for those who persecute you.” Confronting someone who is hurting you is courageous, and the other party might not change. But that does not mean we are free to abandon them to the Devil. They are certainly God’s business - he will do as he pleases in this individual’s heart, and maybe a miraculous conversion will take place. We know from Paul’s story that such things are possible. We even hear stories of Nazi generals and violent criminals giving their lives to Jesus.
But what if this does not happen? In that case, says Jesus, continue praying. Let your heart remain tender for this person - but don’t let your brain go soft, allowing the person to continually abuse you. This is not the same thing at all. Prayer for someone who has rejected or abused you is a powerful act of sacrifice that prevents hatred and bitterness. Prayer allows us to remember that we were in the same state before we became believers: we were once also far from God, going our own way, treasonous and haughty in our disbelief.
Praying for the person with whom we have conflict promotes humility before the Lord, who could have rejected us in our sinful state at any time. He had the power and authority to do so, but used his power and authority to restore us to himself and to do a work in our hearts by which we grow more like our Savior.
Ultimately, the way in which we approach a difficult interaction, where our hearts pound and we wrestle with our emotions, does something to us as Christians. If we invite the Holy Spirit into the mix, then that “something” is sanctification. No matter what happens - whether the other party is humbled or haughty - the Lord is doing good work. Today’s confrontation, if handled with love and respect, plants a seed, the fruit of which could be revealed much later. Just plant it - God will take care of the rest.
Sources:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OasF7lWlX_M&t=276s
https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justin-taylor/6-principles-for-effective-redemptive-communication/
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