Along with questions and comments about suffering and evolution, one of the major oppositions to Christianity, I hear, has to do with guilt. It goes something like this: “We were religious when I was growing up, and I felt so guilty because the pastor always said Christ died because of me. I couldn’t take the guilt, so I left.” How can we respond with love and truth?
This Is Personal
Firstly, acknowledge the other person’s feelings. Guilt weighs on people, whether that guilt comes from their sin, sin is done by someone else, or from a misunderstanding. Let the other person talk and maybe — as my pastor would say — tell them, “I’m sorry that happened to you.”
Imagine hearing those words for the first time, from the mouth of a professing Christian, no less. We can’t take away any person’s pain, nor should we deny their experience, even if it arises out of distortion or there is a real reason this person should feel guilty.
Yet, by saying, “I’m sorry,” we give a person his or her dignity. We say, “I hear you.” We offer comfort. We tell them, “What you feel is real.”
As part of the body of Christ, we also take some of the responsibility for what another member or members of that same body might have done: that is, causing pain to another person by pushing religion instead of offering Jesus.
Sure, it’s not your fault, you weren’t there, but if one Christian behaved in a certain way, they might believe that all Christians are the same, for better or worse. We can take someone by surprise by being humble, being sorry, and not being defensive.
Consider this an opportunity to personally address a wrong committed or a right that was omitted. It’s helpful to see this as an opening from which fruitful discussion can spring.
Lies and Conviction
Ed Welch wrote the following in his book Shame Interrupted: “When you believe what God has said rather than lies, you are doing valuable work.” Some of what we believe about ourselves is a lie.
For instance, if someone told you that you would go to hell for getting divorced, disobeying your parents, playing hooky, or cheating on a test, they were wrong. That is not what God has said.
People go to hell if they do not profess Christ as their personal Savior; that’s it. “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).
He urges us to come to him in our sins (we are all sinners), and if we truly repent and believe, we will be saved.
This doesn’t make us suddenly and immediately perfect, but Christ wants us to come with our brokenness and ask him to fix it.
Whoever believes in the saving work of Jesus Christ, and realizes they need to be saved from their personal sin, will live forever with him in eternity (John 3:16). Not “whoever cleans up his act” or “whoever pays penance for being a bad person.”
After reading Welch’s book and contemplating the issue, it seems to me that shame is the lie we hold on to, perhaps even as a defense against the real, saving work of Christ, which wants to address the actual sins we are responsible for.
Think of it this way: if a woman insists she is a bad person and she’s going to hell because she divorced her mentally abusive husband, every reasonable person will argue, “You’re not responsible for what he did to you,” and many will say that Scripture backs her up in a case like this. She is in no way to blame for his abuse or her choice to divorce her husband.
But what about the unforgiveness in her heart or the addiction she developed as a way to cope with painful memories? While one can understand how she got to this point, her coping strategies enslave her; they burden her; and they feed into the lies which crop up when we isolate ourselves.
If this person says she is a Christian, she is also turning to idols instead of turning to Christ. Shame can work like a smoke screen against revealing the real problems. Shame camouflages the sin of bitterness.
For the one who says, “I love Jesus, just not church,” you can remind this person that Jesus lived in fellowship with a “perverse generation” (Matthew 17:17). His friends were doubters, competing for the best place in heaven, and abandoned him at the cross.
These were the friends he traveled with day and night for three years. And as for bitterness, “whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25). Unforgiveness has to be addressed.
We need to be sensitive and realize that it takes time to admit to sin and to develop new patterns, new intentions, and new habits. Trusting is difficult, especially when it appears that an entire entity (a church) has rejected you.
No one can overcome these hurdles alone. But another important fact we can remind people of is that Jesus hates the sin that was committed against this person. He hates what she has had to endure.
He loves her, and he wants to walk with her on the path to peace and freedom from bitterness and addiction. Satan works hard to build up the lies that shame us, but his best strategy is to keep the name of Jesus out of our discussions.
No name is more powerful than His name, and it is Him that we worship, not the church. His best weapon against a transforming life of faith is to isolate people. Satan doesn’t want us to be in fellowship with believers, with comforters, and, least of all, with Christ.
Not Easy, But Freeing
If shame is a lie, then I think guilt is conviction. It’s God’s nudge in our hearts, urging us to face our sins. That’s not easy — it’s not meant to be because the solution was Christ’s agonizing death, but the reward is so great.
Sin can be very hard to face, but being accountable enables us to discern what is our responsibility and what is someone else’s. Sin can be hard to pinpoint, but you can’t hide it from God, and he won’t hide it from you.
After a while, it feels better to recognize and deal with it, asking for God’s forgiveness, maybe asking for someone else to forgive you. The peace that follows feels like a 75lb rock coming off of your shoulders.
But as I said, it’s hard, and you don’t want to do this alone. Encouragement and prayer are two benefits of fellowship, which is one reason why I sometimes ask others to help me when I have a sin issue. Please help me be accountable, and please help me see the truth.
I choose trustworthy Christian friends; I don’t tell the entire church. And this helps me to recognize that Jesus is in the midst of my personal sin battle, interceding with the Father for my sake. That’s always powerful and beautiful.
But if I feel guilty and I don’t examine my heart, I stagnate. Moreover, someone or many people are often watching us as we navigate through humbling experiences. How we handle them impacts the spectators: our children, friends, co-workers, etc.
When the Lord said, “Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28), he wasn’t just saying, “bring me your hunger, oppression and sickness.” Jesus was saying, “bring me your sin; I know what to do with it.”
The Samarian woman: the woman caught in adultery: they were treated badly in response to their sin. Those public responses were also sinful, but even when that is so, we are called to address the sinfulness of our own hearts and our own actions.
Christ said, “Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit” (John 15:2).
Being pruned hurts, but God does this for our good and his glory. “We all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit” (2 Corinthians 3:18). We are becoming more like Jesus.
A Challenge to Doubters
If you left the church because of how guilty that community made you feel, please consider the difference between shame that does not belong to you and guilt that convicts you of your sin in order to restore you to a personal, transformative relationship with God. I am sorry that your church loaded an unbearable religious burden on you (Matthew 23).
Jesus never loads religious burdens on anyone, but he does ask are you with me or against me? (Mark 9). He is merciful, but he doesn’t let us off the hook. “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 7:21).
If you really believe there is no God, the question is moot. But if you believe in God, rejecting his authority doesn’t remove it but cuts you off from his grace, mercy, and transforming power.
Call on Jesus’ name — he won’t demoralize you. He will sanctify you. And then, maybe — choose a church that preaches and lives out the gospel in front of you.
For further reading:
How Do I Deal with Guilt in a Healthy and Biblical Way?
How Should We Respond to Sin in Our Lives?
How Does Sin So Easily Entangle Us?
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